Happy.

I'm done with this trying to recover shit.

I need to get it all off. I want my back bones back. I want my collars bones back. I want it all back.
I know ive been sinking into a dark cloud of god knows what. I couldn't think. I was really thinking about ending it all. We have alot of pils in my house that would do it.

I'm feeling clearer now. I know what I want. I want it all back.

Plan for tomorrow:
Clean house.
Dance practice.
Ab workout.
Gym.
Teach dance.
Dance class.

So three workouts in one day. Makes me very happy. And all I want us to be happy with myself again.

Re-Start

Well it looks like I'm back here again.

I struggling big time right now and tumblr just isn't cutting it when it comes to needing to vent.
I no longer know what I weight and I really don't care anymore because its all about being empty, pure, just bones. Actually that's a fucking lie. I'm terrified to weight myself. Maybe if I was thinner I would be able to do it.

I haven't purged in about a month and my last binge was last week. I'm restricting everday (even if it feels like I'm just eating normally).
Breaking into tears at dance class has become a constant thing. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore.

Now onto catching up with all your blogs.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.
Emily.
xx

I'm sure my weights just stuck at 117.

Then again, I haven't been exercising as much because my whole body is just breaking down on me. It's so horrible. I think I have some kind of virus because I wanted to throw up all yesterday and my muscles have been so weak. Dance has been way too hard. Maybe in dying. One could hope. I mean what's the point in life? To reproduce? Well I hate kids so I'm never having any. Dont worry, I'm not going to kill myself :) it's just sometimes I think about life and past peoples lifes and really, what dies matter? We are all going to die one day. Earth is going to die one day.

I can't eat junk food :D it just makesme feel so ill and so crap. Blegh it's gross. So that's good I suppose. However I'm still fat. I want to starve so badly. But I know I need to keep my strengh up for my dancing comp this weekend, so next week.

Google Kyle Warren bagpiper. Hottest piper ever. He is so kind and nice and amazingly good looking. I'm defs in live hehe. So glad I got to hang out with him both times he played in Auckland. Fuck, New Zealand needs guys like him! I swear we have the worst quality guys ever. It sucks. Forever alone :(

2nd post today...

I'm bored at work, hence my 2nd post.

Two things:
1) I went out for lunch with my dad today and he said that my face was looking thinner :)
2) After we finished, he said 'You didn't eat much did you?'. I said "No I ate heaps". Realised that that I didnt actually eat much at all.

Thin for the win!

Intake today:
-Trim Hot chocolate
- Orange and date scone
- Diet coke
-Indian for lunch (little bit of nann bread, rice, mixed veggies.

Planned intake for tonight:
- Diet coke
- Trim hot chocolate

No exercise today :( I over slept my alarm this morning and got in to work late. Not that anyone actually noticed. My last day and everyone that I work with except for one person has taken the day off. Fuck them. Actually they gave me a $50 mall voucher yesterday so I'm not complaining :) When my mum left after being here for 4 years she got nothing. I've only been here for 10 months.

Then I'm working at my 2nd job tonight. Mehhhhhh. So no exercise.

But tomorrow I will do extra workouts. 1 hour dancing practice, 30 minutes bike, 30 minutes core workout, stretching. I don't have much free time tomorrow so thats all I can fit in. Oh and under 600 cal of course :)

The weather is amazing here in Auckland today. I want to go to the beach so bad! Which actually makes me want to not eat anything and run my fat butt off. Need to get bikin ready. asap.

Emily
xx

Mother fucker. I hate periods. Go the fuck away.
I had major cramps last night and this morning. I need up eating 3 peices of my mums brownie :O not good. But I'm not beating myself up about it. Soon my period will be gone forever!

Im going to talk to my bestfriend who lives 10 hours away tomorrow. I think she cones home in around 4 weeks, but I'm going to find out the exact date and by that date I will be down to 110. No excuses.

Its my last day at work today! I'm kinda excited because this job makes me so fucken hungry. But I'm going to need to get some cash pronto. However I have a job interview on Monday morning! I have no idea what the actual job is but its for a marketing solutions company. I really hope I get it! Even if I only stay there for a few months, it will be enough money for my USA trip.

In more exciting news: I GET TO DANCE WITH THE RED HOT CHILI PIPERS ON MONDAY NIGHT!!!! Ahhhh I'm so super exciting. They are an amazing bagrock band. YouTube them now!
They performed last Friday in Auckland, but I was too injured to dance :( so I'm fricken excited that I actually get to dance with them this time around. And a few of them are total hotties! Dougie is 19 - total cutie and Kyle Warren is 25 and a world champion bagpiper. He is extremely handsome. *drooling so bad right now*. Haha

So not much else is happening. I'm still fat ( I need to stop binging, it's actually killing me. Eating your feelings does not work. Ever.). But that's gonna change.

Emily.
X

Light at the end of the tunnel

I'm feeling much better today. I've calmed down and sorted out a new life plan. Everything will be alright.
I'm still a bit concerned about my lack of funds for my NYC trip, but if I save my ass off and manage to get a new job between now and December, I should be alright. Worst case, I'll just have to get a loan which I would pay off next year. Just trying to stay positive.

My body was suprisingly looking okay this morning. My stomach is starting to look much more toned, you can see my ribs and
hip bones more and my back is looking more boney. I just need my ankle to heal and then I'll be able to get back to full on exercising. Once I can do that, the weight will start to melt off, it always does.

My skin, on the other hand is looking terrible!! I'm breaking out all over and I can't stop it or hide it. I'm thinking I might try a fruit/vege detox.

Intake today will be very average. Around 700 cal.
Trim mocha - 140
Mango muffin - 260
Veggie pizza, homemade - 300

I've been addicted to the edconfessions tumblr the last few days. It may be the mist triggering thing ever! I love it!

Hope you are all having wonderfully skinny days.

Emily
xx

I'm just another failure at life.

Serisouly though. I am.
I have nothing going for me. I'm so bored with life, but I just don't know what to do.

I'm sick and tired of being constantly injured, embrassing myself on a daily basis, of always being alone, of being fat, of not having any money so I have to steal it from work, of constantly fighting with my parents and my sister, of having $4000 credit card debit, of not having achieved a single one of my goals this year, of having nothing I'm good at.


I just want to escape and get away from it all.
I'm going to NYC in December. All flight are payed for but that's it. And I'm so poor. I can barley afford basic living let alone actually saving. Fuck I don't even have a passport yet. Atleast that will be a month of not eating :/

I just want to have an actual plan and some direction in my life. I just want to perform. But I don't know if I'm ready to give up on my highland dancing yet. I've worked so hard for so many years and I'm still not ranked. I'm still not part if the elite group.

Fuck, I don't know what I'm doing with life. My plans are changing almost every day.
My full time job finishes this Friday. I'm super fucked if I can't find another one.

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck

I just want all this to stop. I need that light at the end of the tunnel but I just can't see it.