123.8

Fuckkkkkk. 123.8???
Thank god I'm fasting.

I did half an hour of cardio as I didn't have time to do anymore :( I can do heaps tomorrow so it should be fine. I've got work soon. God I hate it there. When school ends I'm outta there and gonna get a full time job. Can't wait!

So far today I've had a coffee with trim milk and a coke zero. I'm feeling kinda fine. I should be able to resist food at work. God I hope I can.
I have some new goals and rules so I'll post them up when I get home from work.

New rules New me.

I really should be at class. I dont know why im skipping. It's a bad bad habbit.

This is how its gonna go from now:

Mondays - 500

Tuesdays - fast

Wednesday - 300

Thursday - 400

Friday - 300

Saturday - 500

Sunday - 500

-atleast 2L of water everyday

-one hour of cardio everyday

-No ice cream!!!!

-no random chocolate bars!

-must weight myself every second morning. Starting tomorrow. And post it all on here.

-If i go over i MUST purge

For two weeks this will be my life. No going over, no fucking up. I can make it work this time.

Ive had 100 cal already so i have 400 more. Hmm what to eat???? Im so tempted to go out to starbucks and get a coffee and a muffin but i must resist!

Emily if you do you will be a failure for the rest of your life and no one likes a failure.

My weekend was alright. Actually no thats a lie. I ate at work on Saturday night and then about 800 cal on sunday. Last night i watched a documentry called 'the day before'. It was on fashion house proenza schouler and mann it was good thinspo. All the girls were tiny and wonderful. The clothes were amazing too.

I went to the gym before school this morning but only for 45 minutes but i was sweating hard out and so outta breath so thats good.

I supposed i better go back to school and stop looking up thinspo. Thank god i have a car.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.

XX

Things are looking up, oh finally.

Okay i know i was meant t fats.

Yep whats new Emilys a fucken Failure. That is failure with a capital F.

One thing that actully went right today, I actually did some work for design and i somehow managed to hand it in on time. And it wasnt even that bad.

I ate a small chcolate brownie (150 cal) and a low-fat chocolate milk (150 cal). I couldnt purge it as it was at school and the stupid teacher wouldnt let me go to the bathroom. Oh well.
And i just had a coke zero to stop me from dreaming about the food in my kitchen.

I over slept this morning so no gym :( but i'll do an extra hour tomorrow to make up for it. Im about to go do half an hour of dancing practice and then im off to work. Work = food = fat = me crying vomtiing my face off. Hahahahahah. yeah its not even funny. I know.

I'll post when i get home from work.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

failure is my middle name

Hello my loves.

Today was shit. Im certain that everyday just keeps getting worse. I can only find comfort in my control and knowing that my body is (generally) empty. Except for today...
AND yesterday....

Yesterday wasnt too bad i did an hour of cardio at the gym (-500 cal, i think) and ate around 600 cal. Today... Whoa. Did an hours pilaties in the morning then me and my friend who i did the class with decided not to go to school today because we didnt want to. Really wishing i went now. We went back to her house and watched trashy tv all day and planned our trip away to Wellington (the capital on New Zealand). Did i mention we ate? Alot? Im not even going to count calories cause i know it will just make cry, but heres a list of what i ate.
-Half a small slice of chocolate swirl cake
-4 m&m's
-Tomato sandwich
-just under a pack of crackers
-An apple
-Picklet with golden syrup
-bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce
-2 mini chocolate bars
-8 chocolate chip biscuits

fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.
I am fat. I havent lost any weight. Im still a whopping 124 pounds. Gross someone cut it all off. Now! This afternoon i went for an hours walk and then i had a 2 hour dancing class. So attests i burned some of it off. But about an hour ago i got really bad stomach pains and it was horrible. I know its from eating too much but it still hurts. So tomorrow im going to do something i haven't done in a while. A good old fast. Diet coke will be allowed. It will be hard as im going to the gm before school and then i have work tomorrow night and i'll be working on a conference where we get to eat all the food that's left over. Its hell.

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I've been just really angry at everything and everyone. But mainly me. After dancing tonight i just hopped in my car and went for a dangerous drive and finally stopped and burst into tears. I just felt like everything i had had worked so hard for in my dancing, my school work, my body - its all gone. Im insanely poor as well. My dream trip to NYC, which was meant to happen in January has now been put off till March cause im poor. Fml.Fml.Fml. I cant do anything right in dancing and i suck big time. Im failing school and to be honest i don't give a fuck anymore. I used to be able to see my collar bones. Hellloooooo.......? Where have you gone????? Gone where everything else has gone. Down the toilet.
That reminds me. Ive purged everyday this week except for today. There was no chance to do it. I dont know why i used to have trouble with it. It's so easy. Just shove your fucken fingers down your throat.

From now i am getting thinner. I am losing weight. Dont care about anything else.

God Emily, get your life back on track.

Die.Die.Die that's how I feel

Today.
It was stressful. As usual I left my history assignment to the last two nights. Bad bad idea. I spent the whole day doing it and I didn't even get it finished. I'm such a fucken failure. History used to be my best subject and now I'm failing that too? Great. Life os fucken dandy. I ate around 500 cal today so not to bad. Then I had an hour of hard out dancing. I almost started crying because I haven't been doing much practice lately and I feel like I've lost all the progress I made in the run up to nationals. I actually just wanted to run out of my dance studio, go home and have a big fat cry. I feel like I'm sucking at everything these days. 

Tomorrow I have a dancing competition. It will only be small but that's alright. I hardly eat anything when I'm dancing but I drink lots of sugery drinks and sf redbull. But I probley burn it all off. Then at night my three bff's are coming round to mine and my dad is cooking us dinner. It's going to be a fucken massive Indian fest (my dad likes to cook). Then there will be the snacks and the waffles in the morning. How strong will I be? How much will I fail? And there's no chance of purging either. It's impossible when there are other people in my house. 

God I hate my life. TGIF. 

My hands smell like vomit. It's gross.
This afternoon I binged on mini doughnuts and 5 mini chocolate bars. Ew gross. I don't know why. I wasn't even hungry and I wasn't even bored. I think it was because I was all alone.
So after my binge I went to the bathroom and purged.

But I'm still a failure. I had one toasted cheese sandwich and 3 cookies. My parents are now home so there is no way I can purge again.
Why can't I just be strong and restrict like I use to?
Tomorrow I'll try.

Teenage dreams.

I haven't gone anywhere...
Although I feel like I have...
I'm floating. And not the empty kind of floating as my parents made me eat dinner with them tonight and my house is wayy to quiet to purge. No I'm mind floating. Maybe it's because of the insane amouts of school work I have to do for the next two nights. Or maybe my minds changing. I dunno. I've just been thinking alot lately. About me, my body, my bones, my money, my life, what I really want.

So what do I really want out of life?

1. Money. I will be a millioaire by the time I am 30.
2. To be perfect. I will have bones, I will be what others girls wish they could have.
3. I want to go and possibly live in NYC. It's been a dream of mine since I was little.
4. I want to be loved. I can't keep having random one night stands, it just tears me apart. I need to know someone loves me, that someone thinks I'm amazing, to be held and cuddled. I want that so much....
But not as much as I want to be perfect.

I just read winter girls. Wow. I don't even know what to think. I had searched so hard for this book. I looked in all my local bookstores and libarys but noone had it. Today at school I was in the libary, trying to pass time when I walked past it. I couldn't belive my eyes. It's deffently fate. It made me feel so bad about not trying hard enough to get out of dinner. It made me realise a few things. This, this desire to be perfect, to float, to be weightless, it's totally mental. As much as people can tell me 'come on one bite won't hurt', yes yes it will. It's all mental. It's not something we can switch off. As much as we try. It's here with us and it's what connects us. It makes us who we are.
I highly recommend winter girls. I know mist of you would have read it by now but if you haven't, do! I don't want to eat ever again.

I think I'm starting to get addicted to coffee. Ive had 6 cups today. It just tastes so good. But I can't drink it black. I have to have non fat milk in it.

I had a massive fight with one of my friends today in front of a whole lot of people at school. I just couldn't take her anymore. She fucken complains and gets stressed out about everything. She always has to have the most troubles, the most problems. All my other friends have been bitching about her behind her back as well, yet I was the only one with enough balls to say (yell actually) to her. An example of what she does: she has two school assignments due this week. As usuall she has only just started as doesn't know what she's meant to be doing. So she expects to be able to copy everyones work and for everyone to just take her moodyness and stress. Also she's always like 'omg I'm do fat, em can you help me lose weight? Argh I hate my thighs I'm so fat etc etc'. So at lunch today she has a pie, yought, chocolate and a full fat red bull. Like how dumb can you get? She's always in a downer mood and what REALLY bugs me is the fact that she will never listen to anyone and she doesn't think anyone has problems in their lifes. Trust me, I almost told her about what I feel like, how I think and she was like 'no you problems don't compare to mine. You just don't understand' like wtf???

Sorry about the rant. I've just had a tough day.

Thank you for all being here when I need you.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX