About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I have been neglecting this for far to long.
I read all your blogs yet I just don't post. I can be bothered.
However there is an update post coming tomorrow.

Ps. I'm also down a few pounds :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Just ate 300 cal of nachos.

Liquid diet for the next three and a half days.
- No soda except for diet
- Max 3 glasses of jucie
- 2L of water
- Max 500 cal
- soup counts as liquid.

We dont need to eat. Food is unthinkable.

Admit it.

So I've had to put the ABC diet on hold this weekend. I was forced to eat far too much. I was going to restart on Monday but I have an insanely busy week, so I think I'll just restrict. But the week after that, I'll do it again ad it's the start of my two week holidays. It's so much easier to not eat during holidays. I can chose to not be surrounded by food, I can go to the gym anytime, I can make solid lies about having already eaten and I can sleep for half the time. 

In other news, I'm going to see paramore!!! Frick I'm excited! My favourite band in the world ever since misery business. I'm getting my tickets on Tuesday :) it's gonna make my holidays amazing! 

On PT I saw a post called 'admit something'. Reading through all 47 pages made me realise that we are going through so much of the sane things. So I though I would admit somethings to you guys:

- I hate feelings. I can't stand people getting to close to me. Hugs make me feel uncomfortable. I feel I don't deserve to feel

- I afraid to get intimate with people I love and care about as I am scared they will judge and stop liking me. I've kissed 11 guys, all whilst I was drunk and I hardly knew any of them. I've only had sex with two guys. Both times I was drunk. The first time was with a guy I knew for 20 minutes beforehand. All I know about him was that his name was dan and he was from Brazil. The second guy goes to my school but I had never spoken to him before. We did  it at my friends 18th behind a shed. I only do this as it makes me feel cared about and special for a moment. 

- I steal things. I've stolen around $400 from my work, $200 from a friend when I was 11. From the age of 12-16 almost all my clothing and make up was stolen. I never get caught.  But I quit doing it cause I was scared that one day I would have taken a massive load and would have gotten caught. 

- I'm an amazing liar. It's one of my special talents. I lie all the time without thinking about it. I'm fricken pro. I can hold a straight face for ages. 

- I'm going through a reckless stage in my life. I wanna go out party, get wasted, try diffent drugs (I really want to do coke and E), fuck random guys, steal stuff, spend all my money on food. Basically anything my parents wouldn't want me to do. 

- I'm super vain. Even though I think I'm fat I look at girls and think 'i'm thinner than her. Eww she's a fat cow.  I'm wayy hotter than her.' etc. I think I'm really pretty and out of so many guys leauges. But I never ever leave the house without make up. Even to the gym. I expect everyone around me to think I'm the hottest girl in the school, even though I hate the sight of myself.

- I love to drive fast. Whenever I'm angry or upset I go for a drive. Which is not the best idea. Slow drivers kill me and I yell abuse at them from my car. Somepeople really need to learn how to drive. 

- there's one girl in my group and 3 of us just can't stand her. I punch her zall the time. Everyone thinks I do it because it's funny and I love to punch people, which is true. But I do it because  I want to knock some common sence into her and I live hurting her. 

So now you know the real me. No one in my real life knows half that stuff.

Good news - I stoped purging. I just can't do it. After my best friend told my mum I was and my mum laughed in my face, I just stopped. But I've pulled in the pounds this weekend. I sweat my mum was trying to force feed me.

Other news - exams are over!!! And u failed every single one. All good though, it's only mocks and I planned to. I'm planning in trying to fast tomorrow. It's my school fashion show this week and I am one of 5 dancers. Fuck I planned to be so much thinner by now. I hope I can get slimmer in 3 days. Wish me luck!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Monday, September 13, 2010

How about a quicky ;)

122.3 is my current weight. Fuck. Fat fat fat. Thank god for the ABC diet :)
not to sure what I'm going to eat today. I'm going to work soon and I think i'm meant to be working, cause I wasn't rostered on one of my three managers told me to come in. I'm really hoping that they actully need me and I won't get sent home.

It would ruin my day.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

ABC day 1

I think we all know how bad I am at doing what I plan to do. So I decied I need a kick up the backside to get me into gear. So I'm going to give the ABC diet another try. 

Today is 500 cal. 
So far I've had:
- 3 crumpets with golden syrup: 300 cal
- half a cup of soup: 50 cal
- 2 peices of bread: 100
- maragarine non fat: 6 cal
Total = 456

So not bad for today. That's the least I've eaten in a while :) I have an hour dance class soon. I swear I burn like 500 cal. I sweat so much. Highland dancing (what I do) is so intense. Because the dances are only like 3 minutes each and you rest in between, it's almost like interval training. You get your heart rate up, you bring it down, you get it up etc. 

My eyes are currently dying. I've been looking at a computer all day trying to get my art design done. I'm currently on study leave although I haven't actully done any study yet. I'm working tomorrow, day and night, so I have no time to study for my English exam on Wednesday. Atleast these are only our mock exams. 

Life is boring as due to exams being on and me still sort of being grounded. Atleast I got my car back!!!! Now I can go to the gym again :) but I didn't have time today and I won't have any time tomorrow, so I'll go hard out on Wednesday :)

Nothing exciting is happening atm. I'll weigh myself tomorrow though.

500 cal day tomorrow as well. 

Love you skinnies. 


Saturday, September 11, 2010

I fucked up today. Real bad.

I will not eat tomorrow.
This time I swear on my fucken life.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

It's all in the power of postive thinking

Fucked up again.
I know BIG surprise.

But starting now, for 48 hours i will liquid fast. It will happen this time.

But anyway, I have made up some new rules for my life (cheesy i know). I'm just hoping that they will help me to get back to where i was this time last year. I was at my lowest weight.

I will keep following these for 21 days and i shall see how it goes.
- No eating after 8pm. No exceptions
- 2L of water everyday
- at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday
- Only eat around people
- Eat only if hungry of forced
- Do not spend any money on food when out, that's what your parents are for
- No more purging. My throat is feeling like shit and i dont want to ruin my teeth. It may feel like an easy way out, but you wont get thin doing it. IT WON'T WORK.


I will be bikini worthy this year. No more trying so hard to lose weight durning summer. The fat will be gone before summer. This time it will work. I have 20 days to get down to 110. I can do it. It's all in the power of postive thinking.
If my posting gets a little non-existiant it's because im doing my mock exams at school at the moment. Im in my final year at school and they are kind of imporant and i need to do good.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

I'm having an insane fat day today.
I was doing well and then I fuck up.
As I always do.
I have no control.
I will fast tomorrow.
I don't care how hard it is.
I will fast. 

Monday, September 6, 2010

quick update.

I just finished a bowl of nachos. For breakfast. Deciding if i should purge. I think i will.

Im late for school again. Oops. What a rebel. Im over it anyway.

Planning to not each more than 200 cal for the rest of the day. I wasnt even hungry,

Vodka is a bitch

This weekend was..... Wow. Let's just say I'm grounded and had the worst hangover I've ever had. 

Saturday - I worked all day and had a sandwich and a caramel slice. Whilst getting ready for my friends leaving party i ate around 10 chips and 3 slices of garlic bread. We were all getting ready at my friends house so I showered there. I had a massive urge whilst showering to get all the food out of my stomach. It was almost as if i didn't yet it out it would rot and my stomach and kill me. It made me look so fat. So I vomited in her shower. I got almost all the food i had eaten that day out. I could even see the veggies from my sandwich come up. But her shower drain blocked and I couldn't get it all down. So I had to scope most of it out and finally the drain started working again. But if her shower clogs anytime soon, it's totaly my fault!
Then we had like 5 minutes to drink our vodka before we left. Everyone had 2 shots but I had 5. Then I had a vodka and sprite. On the way to the party I had half a bottle of wine before I dropped it and it smashed. I'm so glad it did though. After that it just got worse. I TOLD MY FRIENDS I WAS BULIMIC. Who the fuck does that? I'm so angry I even let the thought of saying that come to my mind. As you can probley tell, I was so smashed. Later at the party I started throwing up so my friends took me outside. I then proceeded to stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up. My friends tryed to stop me and were horrified but I just told them 'don't worry it's all good. I do this all the time'. 
I must have been supppppeeerrrrrrrr smashed. So my friend J rang my mum and told her to come pick me up. She apparently then told my mum that I was bulimic! Thankfully my mum hasn't questioned me about it yet. Neither have my friends, but they haven't had a chance to privatly talk to me. 

Sunday - one of the worst days of my life. I was meant to be at work at 7.30am. That was so not happening. I couldn't hold anything down, not even water, it wasn't till around 3pm that I finaly had a glass of coke and it didn't come back up. This was the worst hangover I've ever had. I felt like I couldn't move, talk or breathe. My throat was so sore from throwing up and it still is now. 

Today I wasn't feeling the best so I didn't go to school. My intake today was pretty shit:
- two crumpets with golden syrup 200 cal
- one serving of dorrtios 140 cal
- two sandwichs with cheese, tomato and lettuce ??? Cal's 

Tomorrow will be better. It's my friends 19th so i'm gonna make cupcakes. I'll have to eat one. Then after school I will gym and I have a dance assesment at school which will burn some cal's.

I need to get thin soon. For the rest of the week I will restrict as much as possible and blog every day. Promise.