About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I went to the supermarket. I picked up frozen yought, can of wiped cream, nuts and two protein bars. I walked around thinking about it for about half an hour. Put it all back. Went and got a diet coke and food for my dancing comp so I won't binge on food that is sold there.

That is a sucess to me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I can do that

I planned to fast.

Again fail.

Chocolate browine - 300
fried rice - around 150
chocolate - 180


My parents are going away tomorrow for three nights.
Should I fast? I really want to. You know what I think I will. There won't be anyone here to tell me what to eat! Hell yes! Ok that's a plan. A good plan. Then Friday night me and my friends are going out for dinner then to a party. I'm thinking we might go get sushi or if not I will stay under 300 cal. Saturday I have a dancing comp so I have to eat :( then that night I'm having drinks so that's a major cal intake. Sunday I won't ear anything until dinner. This is a great plan!

I will stay strong this time. I'm sick of being fat. I look at food and I hate it so much. It just seems gross. Fat is gross. I want to starve myself like I did at the start of the year. It worked so well.

Life is just wayyyy to syressful atm which makes me want to eat. I have school show practice, orginazing stage challenge, school work, dancing and work. And to make it worse, I just list my planner. I actully can't live without it. I have no idea what classes I have tomorrow. Fuckkk.

Night my loves.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Your're too good to belive

I think i am going to cry.

I wiegh: 119!!!!!!

My bmi is: 19.8!!!!!

Thats like exactly what it was when i started this blog.

For fucks suck, i am a fat pile of lard.

I should have fasted today.....


I decied that i was feeling thin enough to eat, but i was so wrong.

Intake today

Two small muffins- around 200
two rice crakers with tomato - around 100

And im stopping there. Right now it is 1.23pm NZ time. I will not eat again until 5.30pm tomorrow. I cant belive i would myself do this again. But this time it is coming off and staying off.

A photo of me about a month ago that my sis took for my design assignment. I tryed to upload more but blogger is being stupid.

I was gonna do a massive blog but now i'm so mad at myself that i cant think of anything else to write.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.



Only the thin will be happy

Food intake today:
rasberry white chocolate muffin - 250
half a starbucks choc frappa -? Don't even want to know!
Yought - 185
rice waffers with tomato - 100

not to bad. Still I didn't need the starbucks. Anyway tomorrow I WILL fast. Gota lose this weight. It just won't come off. Grrrrrrr. I'm so frigen stressed right now to make things worse. Two weeks till break :)

I did an hour at the gym and a hour and a half dancing lesson today. That's burnt atleast 600 cal.

Sorry this is such a bad post. I only have two classes tomorrow so I have pleanty of time to write!

Girls, thank you so much for your comments. It really helps me get through.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

This has been an absoultly shitty week.

I am unworthy of this blog.
I am unworthy of all you fabulous skiiny girls.
I just don't understand how I keep failing so bad.
I want to go and die tonight. I would rather die than be fat.

Tomorrow will be water, diet Coke and rice waffers only. I actully can't let myself down one more time.

Friday, March 19, 2010


This has been such a bad week. TGIF. I only got 3 hours sleep last night. I didn't each much until i had nachos and ice cream..... Fuckkkkkk.

But I'm going to have a little competition with myself. If at this time on the 2nd of April, I have lost atleast 10 pounds then I will get myself a mani pedi. But if I havnt lost more than 8 pounds then I must do a three day fast, no ifs or buts. I know this will work cause I hate losing with a passion.

Write mote later.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Freak freak gotta get thin

I should be doing my drama journal work which is due in 10 hours and in that time I have to sleep, shower and go to two classes. But I want to blog.

Intake for today:
1 rasberry muffin
1 tomato
2 rice cakes

Under 600 cal. Getting better. I remember when I used to do under 300 everyday. It was so easy....

But I must from now on! I'm no longer modling for my friends show as her boss wants more mature looking people, like over 25. Whatevs. But I do highland dancing and in two weeks I have a really big compition and I just found out my ex will be there. I want to see him so badly, but at the same time I don't. We live 6 hours away so I broke it off cause I hated the long distance. I've just been reading through the emails we sent each other and it makes me so happy, even though it was a year ago. It's proof someone did actully want and love me once. I'm a firery ball of emotion at the moment. I can't seem to write down what I'm feeling.
But I do know this, I must be thinner. No if's or but's. I will look amazing. I don't want to be like ew WTF was I thinking! I want him to be like I miss her so much, she looks amazing etc. God I'm starting to freak out. Okay moving on before I explode...

My life is insanely busy. I don't have a social life anymore or any free time with school work, work, school show practice, dance training and stage challenge. I had several minor breakdowns today. I need a fricken holiday. That's why I'm writtingthis at 1am when I'm ment to be doing my homework. But I can't be bothered with it anymore. I cannot wait till I finish school. 8 months to go. Some of my teachers a physcos. Today my history teacher locked me out of class because I was 2 minutes late! I stood there for like 5 minutes until I thought, fuck this I hate history anyway I'm going. So I hoped in my car and drove down to the beach and then to go get food, but I didn't get any! Insted I brought gum and diet coke. Love it. So tempted to go to KFC though. But I didn't :)

I'm so tired, almost falling asleep. But I'm still going to up for another 3 hours atleast. This is what happens when I leave 7 weeks of work to the last night. As usual. No gym for me tomorrow, I would fall off the treadmill. I've already done it twice (almost).

Thank you all so much for your comments! I love reading your support. Sorry I'm not replying or commenting on your blogs. I fully just have no time today.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

We will be thin


What's that?


Emilys a failure???

Yeah that sounds about right.

Two rice cakes tomorrow = 66 cal.

I tired of giving up.
I'm over not losing any weight.
Things are gonna change from here on in.
Gotta get to atleat 105 by the end of April, but sooner would be better.
Not even gonna tell you what I ate today. I serisouly considered purging.

Fasting Friday and next Tuesday as well.
My parents are going away next weekend....
Yay but in gonna be able to eat what I want when I want. Fuck.
Don't know if I'm strong enough for this yet.

Hope you all had better days than me.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

hunger hurts but starving works

I will not eat

I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely

a moment on the lips, forever on the hips

We will be thin.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Today has been horrible. I fucked up. I seem to do that alot. Nothing solid will pass my lips tomorrow. It will be a better day.

That is all.


Sunday, March 14, 2010


The reason i didnt post during the weekend, is because i was in such a shitty mood and so busy that i was eating horribly. I just didnt want to face up to what i actully ate.

Anyway Friday night i worked till 1.30am. It was an 18th birthday party and there was so many hot, drunken guys. I was in charge of the bar so i was giving out free or half price drinks to all the hotties :) But there was heaps of corn chips and potato chips and so i pigged out. I only did it because i was so tired and i had to keep myself awake. Grrrrr i was so mad at myself. But i had gone to the gym that morning so its not all bad.

Saturday i had a dancing compition. I didnt eat much all day yay! But i didnt do as well as i hoped. two 1st's, three 2nd's and one 3rd. I just wasnt focused at all. But i got runner up in my age group. But its still not good enough. Im a really compeditive person btw and i hate losing. That night again i was uber tired when i got home i ate a fair bit. But i was just so over everything that i didnt care.

Sunday morning i did a dance workshop with Lady Gaga's dancers!!!! It was amazing, although not as hardcore as i had hoped :( On the subject of Gaga, did you see her body in her 'Telephone' video? Wowa. She is thin! I love her even more now :)
Then Sunday afternoo i had school show practice. We are doing 'Fiddler on the roof'. Its an alright musical, nothing like 'Wicked' though! But half the people didnt even turn up and we were there for 5 hours. Fml. It totally killed me.
But later that night i started going really hot, i was shakey, i could walk proply, i was having trouble thinking right and i was dizzy as. It fricken scared me! I have no idea what it was.

Today i went to the gym this morning :) and i have dance practice. But i also have an insane amout of homework to do, so im gonna finisht this up now.

Food today
Starbucks Grande caramal machiccato with non fat milk - 190 cal
2 rice wafers - 76 cal
1 small tomato - 25
1 Protein shake (with non fat milk) - 150
Total = 441 cal.

I just realised that most of my high cal foods are drinks. From today until the 26th of march, i will not drink any drink that has over 50 cal (apart from my protein shake).

I was gonna uplaod some photos from the workshop with Gagas dancers, but blogger wont let me :(

Hope you skinnys all had wonderful days!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Imma be modeling

My friend Liz works at a clothes store and is orgianzing a fashion show for the charity oxfam. It's on march 24th. And she wants me to model in it.....

So this really gives me a deadline. I have till the 24th of march, 13 days away, to get as thin as possible. I can see several fasts coming up and many many many hours spent at the gym.

Because no wants to see a fat hufalump struting down a catwalk do they? I already have a kick ass walk, so I need to make myself look as model like as I can. I haven't done a fashion show in almost two years! I used to do my school fashion show every year, with the most walks :), but I couldn't do it last year cause I was in America! (virigina to be exact- it's so pretty!)

Any tips on how to lose alot of weight in 13 days? Apart from not eating and exercising my butt off haha. Cause I will be doing those anyway!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Yesterday day great. I didn't completly fast though :( but still it was alright.
falafel pita - 450
kit kat (chocolate bar) - 218
golden syrup slice - 200

oh dear lord. Horrible. Urgh. But I did have dancing lessons today :)

tomorrow im going to the gym for 2 hours and then not eat anything until dinner in which I can have a rice wafer (38 cal) and some fruit. Saturday is my dancing comp so there is no way I can restrict or even start to think about cal, but I'm dancing all day so I should burn it all off! Then Sunday I have a dance workshop with.....

I'm so excited! It's gonna be so mean and sooo hardout. I'm going to sweat so much :)

Hope you all had fabulous days!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Please don't care

I hate how my parents care so much.
They broke my fast. Forced me to eat.
But it only was a sandwhich and a cookie.

But I am still going strong today. I will not eat, but I will have a protein shake.
Gonna do two hours at the gym today. I wish I didn't have to go to school and I could just dance and work out all day. Life would be amazing! Haha but that's not going to happen anytime soon! I have a dancing compition on Saturday. I havnt been to one since new years! But that means that I will have to eat Friday and Saturday.

I will not eat today.

Stay Srong, Stay Thin.


Monday, March 8, 2010

115 days till thin day

Fast is going good. Little bit hungry but i think ill be fine :)
Im going to try to fast all day tomorrow as well because when i was at the gym this morning my weight was: 119!!!!!!

And thats why im fasting tomorrow as well.

Anyway i have 115 days till my school ball. 115 days to get to 95 pounds. 115 days to get thin. I so can do this! Last year i got down to 108 pounds but then i put all my weight back on during break :(
So my plan is:
- Eat under 600 cal everyday
- atleast 1 24 hour fast a week
- eat hardly any carbs
- atleast 18 hour exercise per week
- Water water water

It so can work. I will look amazing. Maybe i might even get asked to go with someone this year! or not... I dunno. I tend to repel boys. Its not that i dont like them cause i do, it just they dont like me. But thats alright as i am carrer focused. Well thats what i tell myself when really i am dying inside when im the only one out of ALL MY FRIENDS who doesnt have a date. I hardly the fattest one, not the uglyst one so what the hell more do i have to do?

Get thin thats what.

Got so much homework to do tonight so i better go get started :(

Love you all.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Sunday, March 7, 2010


Yesterday wasnt too bad. I was fastimg up until 6pm when it was dinner time. I had a bowl of the soup my dad had made for me cause i was sick and a cookie my mum made. I just felt to bad to turn them down.

Today i didnt go to the gym as i usually do as im still sick and wayyy too tired. Im at home atm during my study breaking and im eating.....

But its alright cause i need to fed of my cold.
So far i have eaten:
Half a bowl of soup
2 peices of bread
2 cookies
protine shake.
And im stopping there. Thats my full intake for today. Yay! But i might have another cookie tonight if my parents complain that im not eating. Plus i have dancing tonight!!!

Tomorrow i will go to the gym and fast! Then on Wednesday gym and under 200 and try and fast? Maybe.

Gota go back to school now :(
Hope you are all having wonderful skiny days!

Btw who has seen 'Alice in Wonderland'? i might go see it this weekend but ive heard that its average as.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Friday, March 5, 2010

Were not the same

Short post again, I am sorry.
Worked 12 hours today. I feel dead. Plus I'm still sick. :(
Ate around 700 cal. I gross myself out . Can't belive I did that!!!
Fasting tomorrow. Yay I love it. I'm working 5 hours and then school for 4 hours for 'fiddler on the roof' practice. But my dad is making me soup tomorrow night. Fml. But it's alright to have half a bowl I suppose. I'll just say I'm still sick and really tired.
Monday I will actully write a good post.

I love you all. I read everyones blogs, even though I don't comment atlot of the time. I'm going to try harder from now on. Posting from my iPod again :( Frick gotta get my own laptop!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Real life thinspo

So much to say but so little time! I'm still sick and I ended up going to school today. I'm working like all weekend :( But it should keep me busy yay! Planning a fast for Sunday and Monday. No time for gym or ballet this weekend :(

So there's this girl in the year below me at school and she has been diaganosed with Anorexia. I think she looks amazing and I love how she is all bones. Is that sick and wrong? Everyone at work tonight was like eww she looks so gross, she needs help. I want to be as thin as her, but I'm not keen on developing anorexia. She's so skinny that she has no been dropped by her modling agency. But I think she looks amazing.

Planning on having only this tomorrow
Protien shake
another fruit
a muffin from work
plus coffee that I make (I'm the Batista at work!)

Then Sunday fast!!!! Plus I get to see B (the ana girl) on Sunday. Real life thinspo right there!

Having my car and bring able to drive is going to make me fat. It's so hard not to go drive through at MacDonalds or just drive to the suppermarket. At lunch, all my friends want me to drive them to get food. But I'm going to say no now cause I always eat when we go out. I'll just tell my friends that I'm saving my petrol. Also Ive told them that they can't let me buy food because I'm saving.

Next week is going to be great. I just know it will be.
Posting from my iPod touch again so a more detailed post will be coming when I can get on my computer when my parents arn't home. So much more to tell you all!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Zip your mouth like a padlock

I'm sick. Ate a bit to much today. I am feeling so guilty right now. I always eat when I am sick. Doing a fast when I get better. Not going to school tomorrow so I can spend loads of time on here! Yay


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Running strong

I thought I wasn't doing to bad...
Then I calulated my intake..
Holy fucks.

Hot chocolate - 150 cal
Brownie - 350 cal
Protein shake - 150 cal
Scrambled eggs on toast - 300 cal
total - 950!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wooooooaaaaaaaa. Not cool.
Staying under 500 tomorrow.

But I did gym today and that burned around 400 cal.
Otherwise, life is alright. I got my drivers lisence, I've actully started saving for my NYC trip, I'm working heaps and my friends are amazing. But I am insanely behind on school work, i like to forget about it and not think about it. But I have to do it tonight or I'm in so much trouble. Also my love life is still DOA. My 15 year old sister just got her first boyfriend. It's so cute. But so unfair. But whateves.... Atleast I'll be thin. Sorry my post's are so undetailed. I'm blogging from my iPod touch and I kinda suck at it.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.