About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

My weight is not changing. It just won't budge. Next week though I can actually stop eating and have time to do 2 hours of exercise everyday.
Goodbye school. I won't fucken miss you.

Ahkay that was a lie. But i'm so glad to be finished and out of there. I have my last ever exam this afternoon. It's history. I have no drive to even go to my exam. It's three papers but I'm going to do one. I've already passed the year and to be honest I would rather concentrate on my dancing competition tomorrow. My life from now untill next July is only going to be work, dancing and getting thin. No other distractions. I have nationals in July and I am dying to do good. I want to win so bad.

I gymed yesterday, and then did a hour and a half dancing lesson so it was good to finally get some exercise done. By the end of next week I should be back to normal.

I'll update next week.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

New tattoo :D

Two days untill my school life is over!!!
I don't think I can contain myself. I'm so excited!

In other news, I suck. I reckon ive been eating around 800 calories per day, with no exercise. I just feel like I've given up. But I haven't. These exams have sucked the life out of me.
As of tomorrow, one meal per day, no more than 500 cal per day and I must exercise for atleast an hour and a half everyday. One week, just one week of this and I should start feeling better about everything. I would love to be back to the days where I would eat 300 over like three days. God I miss it so much.
Sorry I'm problely dragging you down with me.

In other news, I saw Harry Potter for the 4th time today and my god it's still amazing. I'm getting my first ever tattoo next Friday!!!!! Ahhhhhh I'm super excited for it! It's a Harry Potter one :) the sign of the deathly hallows. Kinda cliche but I'll love it. To me it represents the end of an era. The end of my childhood because to me, Harry Potter was my childhood. Harry Potter is one of the few things in this world that truly makes me feel good about myself. The deathly hallows to me stand for the quest for something bigger and better than humans, for power. That is what I want. To always keep searching for something that is bigger and better than what I have, because we can all be better.

Meh, I'm super tired. Can't think of much else to say except that i am finally going to the gym tomorrow!!! Excited to have a sweat shesh. Haha

love you all.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I love you girlys.

I am never eating again in my life. 

I can just feel my life crashing down around me. I'm in my final year doing my final exams but I honstly don't give a shit about them. I can't bring my self to study. All I do is sit on tumblr looking up thinspo and Harry Potter stuff. It's like I don't even care about my school marks anymore. Which is true. I don't anymore. I can't wait to be finally finished school. I can get away from all the stupid and annoying people at school and finally start living my own life, how I want to do it. I'm gonna work my butt off and get super rich and super thin. I'm getting a tattoo in celebration of finishing school, next week Friday. I'm so damn excited I can't wait. 

Saturday night was horrible. I had work which was the only good thing about my night. After work I went to my bff house and her brother, his gf and another friend were there and they were super drunk. Like off their faces. So of course I sculled as much wine as I could in about ten minutes to catch up with them. Bad idea. My bff had a massive chat with me about how I accidently told her I was bulimic when I was drunk once. She then told me another friend had seen all my thinspo photos and thinspo quotes on my iPod. This is why I don't let people go through my iPod!!! I don't know how she managed to get hold of it for long enough to see everything. Anyway my
Bff had a massive vomiting session and went to bed. So then her brother gf and myself had a massive d&m (deep&meaningful). She kept telling me how talented and wonderful and beautiful I am and how it kills her when I say I hate myself and that I'm fat. What the fuck don't you people get?? I am fat and I seem to be fucken useless at everything I do. My bff just texted me saying 'hey hun how you feeling? Gd luck for ur exam tomorrow. We need to have a chat sometime soon about you know what. Love you' 
Well guess what? We are never ever going to have the chat where I admit to having a problem. It's never gonna happen. I need it too much. I'm lost without it. I would rather kill myself than have to talk about it. 

I had so much it say, but I just can't write any of it down. I just seem to block out all my feelings and nit let anyone in. It's the only way I can deal. 

I'm liquid fasting. I've eaten farr to much the past two days. I'm not even going to weigh myself. I will liquid fast till Thursday morning. 

I plan on sitting in starbucks for 4 hours and studying for my drama exam tomorrow morning. My exam starts at 2pm. 

I love you all. Reading your blogs gives me so much hope and happiness. I would be dead without you girlys. 


Sunday, November 14, 2010

short but sweet

Emma Watson is effing amazing.
Shes the same height as me and is my first goal weight 110.
Damn her and her amazingness. Although I'm not to sure if I'm keen on her new hair cut... I liked it long. Emma Watson pics coming tomorrow :)
I love harry potter by the way. DIE HARD POTTER-HEAD. At my new job (movie cinema) I'm organizing the midnight screening. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M SO EXCITED.

I had a family dinner tonight, which none had told me about, so i ate around an extra 200 - 300 cal. I'm alright with that, I'm feeling emptier even though i never managed to get in any exercise. Ill weigh myself tomorrow and I'll go to the gym :) and have a dance class :D

Yeah short post, I'm super tired.

Night y'all

Saturday, November 13, 2010


Ahhh I had been negeletcting this blog far too much. It makes me sad.
I'm currently trying to cram and cram for my english exam on Friday. I'm so screwed. I need to study so much but it's just not staying in my brain.

When i weighed myself yesterday I was 119. I'm so happy to be out of the 20s!!!
I'm not going to weigh myself today. I might tomorrow. I'm always terrifed of stepping on the scale because the numbers ate always wayy to high for my liking.

I haven't reallly done much exercise lately. Stupid study taking up all my time
Tonight though I'm going to go for a run, something I haven't done in about 6 months. If I get alot of study done today i'm going to go see ghost writter with my bestie at our new work. Ahhh I love it so much there. We get free movie tickets and half price food and drinks. So I'll get a diet coke and small pack of m&m's. I'll try and have just that today.

Two weeks, once my exams are over, I'm all yours! I can starve and exercise to my hearts content :)

love you all

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

binge fuck ups

Back to blogging :) I had an insane last week trying to get all my art done. It was so hetic.

Yesterday morning i weighed myself and i was


I had finally gotten out of the 20's! But i fucked it up. I felt like such a disappointment.

I had around 8 water crackers with a tiny slice of cheese and tomato on top. Not many calories but it fulled me up. So then i went to work and i just started thinking about food. I couldn't stop thinking about eating a whole pizza, some kfc, pasta, a Burger, a milkshake, chocolate, falafel wraps, hot chips. Just everything. Eating it all and then throwing it all up.
So i finished work and was on my way to the gym, but instead i drove straight to KFC. I orded small fries, small potato and gravy, small coleslaw and two bread rolls. I drove to an empty car park and just sat in my car, stuffing my face. Then i attempted to throw it all up into a plastic bag, but i only managed to get like half of it up. I cryed so hard because i couldn't get it all up. Other cars started coming into the car park so i thought i better go to the gym.

I did an hour at the gym. Felt better about myself. Went home. Ate a mini chocolate bar and bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce. Felt terrible so i watched 'A view from the top' instead of studying.

I worke up this morning and weighed myself



Today i have had a bowl of pasta (300 cal), a trim mocha and a ice block (190 cal). I might have another trim mocha tonight but we'll see. I'm going to do a kickboxing class at my gym in an hour. I NEED to be 119 tomorrow.

I made a tumblr the otherday. I'll put my link up later.
Any of you girls have tumblr? I would love to follow you all :)

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

almost done :)

Just taking a short break from my art - FUCK YES I AM ALMOST DONE - having a mental block.

Today was a fail.
Half a curry, rice and nann bread for lunch
Bowl of pasta for dinner.

I feel so bloated and full. It's making me feel sick.
I cant purge as my parents are home. Grrrrrrrrrr. I need to get it all out now!

Tomorrow is my last ever full day at school. Thursday we have prize giving and then on Friday we only go in for an hour. Where has this year gone??? Ive been looking forward to this day for so long. But now, i am scared. I have major butterfly's and i feel like crying. I don't want to leave. Honestly i don't. School is always there. It's regular, it's a routine. That's something i need in my life. But now? It's all going. I am having a Major freak out.

I plan on fasting tomorrow. I just need to feel empty. Tomorrow night i am going to see inception at my work. ( i just got a new job at a new cinema and we get to see movies for free!) Yeah i know it's old but my cinema has it for two weeks so me and my bestie are going to see it. At my work we also get half price off all food and drinks. That could mean total failure to me. but ill just get a tezza tea (they are sooooo good) which is 128 calories. I'll try my hardest to stick to that.

I gymed today, not much but in my extremely sleep deprived state atleast it's something. I did 20 minutes on the bike and then an hour of yoga. I can start going hard out everyday next week :)

Love you all.


Monday, November 1, 2010


Real update coming tomorrow. Just an update...

I'm almost finished all of my art. I don't know how many more of these 4.30am's i can take. Tomorrow night, i can sleep :)
I have two full days left of school. Forever. Ive still got exams, but no school... I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Get my drink on is the most likely option. Drown those fucken voices with vodka and cheap wine. Then I'll be able to live.
Totally binged today. But it's alright as I've been eating under 400 the past few days and i can just fast tomorrow. That will work right? It better work.

I need sleep. I cannot write let alone think right.

Life please slow down? Please?