About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Note to self: Dont drink and blog.

Oh my lord.
Last night was interesting.
I got WASTED on a bottle of wine, one vodka lemon and lime and half a purple rain cocktail.
Then I spent half the night making out with this guy who I kinda knew. And he was a damn good kisser ;)

But then he ran off after some international chick....
So I went on a drunken search for my two bff's. Found one (she was super drunk) hanging out with a random. So I stole half his drink hehe. Then later I found my other bff and her boyfriend and they were having a massive fight. She was crying her eyes out and I don't blame her. Her boyfriend is such a dick. So went went to get food *cringe* Kebab's to be exact. I swear I either spent $20 on food or I gave a massive tip. Whatevs. But then I got hot chips as well, which I don't remember ordering.... But at least it sobered me up a bit. I got home like 3.30am

Got up 7 to go to work. And I was still drunk. I think the hangover is starting to kick in now but it should be too bad because Ive eaten and kept hydrated.
Food today has been terrible. I went to McDonald's for breakfast. Fuck. I feel so ashamed.
I got hot cakes and then 2 hash browns. After that I had 2 trim hot chocolates and and orange juice. For lunch I got a kebab but I ate like 4 bites because I wasn't even hungry and it had hummus in it and I hate hummus. It's so gross.

So I'm currently drinking a diet coke because my stomach is all grumbly :(
Fasting tomorrow to try and reverse the damage I did last night and this morning.

Blegh I'm currently dying. I need sleep asap.


Haha bitches I'm drunk.

I am not held account able for the amount of calories I have tonight.

Fick one one of my sober friends jus saw this

Haha fml.

I'm rather drunk haha.
Hope you girls are having are wonderful day no matter what the the time zone.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Hell Yesss!!!

Finally some movement in my weight!
Even after eating a little bit last night. I had 3 crackers with tiny slices of light cheese.
I was not going to eat anything but I got home after an insanely hard dance class and I felt like I was going to faint. I still hadn't done my night exercises so I needed to have a tiny bit of energy to do that.

I was going to try to fast again today but I am going out clubbing tonight so I know I need a little bit of something in my body otherwise I'm going to get wicked wasted and that's always when I binge :(
Tomorrow might be interesting.... I generally eat a fair amount the day after I go drinking, even though it's never more than 1000cal it's still a freaken lot.
So for lunch I have rice with spicy veggies. And only a small container worth so it won't be much.

No gym this morning :( I went to bed rather late and I need my sleep if I'm going out tonight.

Hope you all have a wonderful day! I know I will.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Breaking fast...

Broke my fast :(
I was going so well, but I had totally forgotten that I had told my dad I would go out to lunch with him. There was no way I could get out of it.
We went to a Turkish place and I got a mini falafel salad. I added it all up and it came to 150 cal. Not too bad, but I wasn't even hungry!

Atleast I dont have to work tonight anymore so I can workout at home :)
I plan on starting my fast again. I was 16 hours in, but I think I'm going to go for another 24 hours.

My friend just asked if I wanted to go to the hot pools. I actually started shaking when I read the message. There is no way I'm getting in my Bikin in public looking like this. Here in New Zealand it's not swimsuit season for another 2 months! I have until then to get ready. Not now. No way. So I made up an excuse that I had a dancing thing that night, which is half true. I have a performance that afternoon till 6.

Did a half-assed work out this morning :( I was late to the gym so I didn't get to do my whole workout :( but it's alright because I van workout tonight! Yaya.

A friend of Ana: im 5'6. This fast better help me lose, otherwise I will lose my mind!

I swear if I haven't lost anything by tomorrow morning, I will go crazy. Like kill everyone crazy.


I am still 120. So frustrating. I could rip out my hair, I'm that mad.
But I don't get it.
I've been exercising and eating an average off 600 cal per day.

So I'm fasting tomorrow. This will be very interesting as I haven't fasted in agesss.
Oh well. Im going out wedesday night so I won't eat much till then and I can get super wasted on not much. Yess plan.

My weekend was so average. I had an amazing workout on Sunday. 1 hour cardio, 1 hour weights and stretching. Then yoga Sunday night and kickboxing class this morning.

This not getting rid of my fat is messing with my brain... I can't even think.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Binge? Hell no.

My weight is still the same. I don't fucken understand it.
Why won't the weight just go away.

I ran today for the first time in 3 months. Only 3kms but it's something.
My thighs are so sore. Massive workout planned for tomorrow. So keen.
Plus I'm getting wasted tomorrow. Excited to get drunk out of my brain. To just forget all my worries.

I'm starving right now. Want to binge. But I won't. But I'm starving.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Welcome to another day in paradise...

Still the same freaken weight.
Not happy.
Then again I havent been going that well this week. No major binges and everyday has been under 800 cal but I haven't been doing much exercise :/ hopefully tomorrow morning will be better.

Had a great workout this morning. Not amazing, but it was still great. Had a 45 minute dance class tonight and I left covered in sweat so that's gotta be good.

Outtake today:
Aprox 450 cal

Intake today:
Soup - 200 cal
Afghan biscuit - 150 cal
Few spoonfuls of plain pasta - aprox 100 cal
Glass of trim Choc milk - 100 cal
Total: 550

Damn. Not as good as I had hoped. My mum made me pasta for dinner and I felt really bad because she never makes me dinner and she was just trying to be nice. So I had to eat a couple if spoonfuls. But I swear if I haven't lost any weight by tomorrow morning, I will cut a bitch.

Today I realized that my bff has recently lost a lot of weight. I just can't deal with this. I'm the skinny one. I'm the fucked up one. She can't take this away from me. I need to find out how much she weights and then weigh less. There's no way I would ever be the average one. Fuck.Fuck.Fuck. Even my mum said that she's lost weight.

This is turning into a competition that she doesn't even know she's playing. Well guess what sweetie? I will win.

One of my good friends is back at home for 2 weeks from uni and I swear she's lost weight as well.


I don't intend of losing weight. To lose something means there's a chance of finding it again. I am getting rid of my fat. I don't ever want it back.

Stay Strong.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

No Exercise = Crazy Emaily

No gym again today.
I'm finding myself fantasising about what workouts to do.....

I think I'm going crazy!

I ended up sharing 1/2 a small packet of m&m with my bff at work last night.
I was so angry because I kept on making shitty coffees. My god, they tasted so bitter and I couldn't understand why so I started freaking out (making a good coffee is like my 'thing'). I'm going to blame it one the beans. Yeah good job Emily, always blaming something else.

My bff stayed over at house last night so I couldn't get any sneaky exercise done and I had to skip on the gym this morning. I was going to do a massive workout tonight but they were a person short at my cinema so I said I would take the shift. (I'm in desperate need of money!)

My dad took me out for lunch today. I had a tofu curry. Didn't eat any of the tofu or veggies. Just rice and sauce. No idea how many calories. I hate not knowing. It makes me feel like I have no control of anything. So because of that, no more food for the rest of the day.
Just water, diet coke and an iced tea (95 cal).

I'll do a miniature work out when I get home home work tonight.
100 crunches.
3 minutes of squats
3x 1 minute planks
3 minutes of leg lifts
plus stretching.

Then tomorrow morning, GYM :) I'm gonna sass that gym session so hard.

Im thinking of doing a liquid diet on Friday and Saturday day. But eating something before I go out on Saturday night. Just light cheese and crackers.


Right. Going to go get a diet coke. yay.


Monday, August 22, 2011

It's a better day, so just smile :)

Hello my lovey Lady's!

Hope your days are all going well?
Today has been a better day for me.

So far I went to the gym this morning (over slept my alarm AGAIN! But i still made it there in time for a short workout). Did 20 minutes on the bike (Burned -190 cal), leg weights and 5 minutes of ab's. Tomorrow I'm going at night so there's nothing stopping me from doing a proper workout.

Had a dance lesson last night (at the moment they are almost always private lesson which means its a lot harder!) and my shins freaken started hurting again.


But it was a good workout (-300 cals). After not doing any dancing for a month, my muscles are feeling super weird today.Which is why i hate taking breaks :(

In happier news, I should be able to run again in two months! In my right ankle I currently have a torn ligament, bruised bone, tiny fracture in the bone, and extra fluid within one of my ankle bones. My left ankle is sprained (and hurts like a bitch when i dance) and my big toe on my left foot is sprained (but almost healed!). But if my shin splints don't die very shortly, I'm going to have to wait a lot longer than 2 months to go for a run.

Intake today:
1/2 a pear - 40cal
Carrot soup - 200cal (rounding it up)
Caramel slice - 300cal (rounding it up)
Diet coke - 1cal :)

Total: 541

I'm not going to have anything else today. I'm feeling satisfied right now (although i didn't need that slice, not at all). I do have to go to work at my cinema job tonight and it's kinda easy to not eat there as everything is just junkjunkjunk. I always end up having a trim hot chocolate though. Just because I get so cold and i love chocolate milk.

I didn't weigh myself today and i doubt i will till Friday.
It is actually one of the most terrifying things to do.
I really do need to start weighing myself everyday though.

As long as i can look good for when I go out this weekend, Ill be happy. If i look the slightest bit fat, I am getting super trashed. Good plan!!

Stay Strong.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Freaking out...

Oh my lord.
I'm freaking out right now. Seriously, my heart is beating way to fast and i can think straight.

Ive eaten wayy too much. I'm not empty anymore. I didn't even go to the gym this morning. I'm at my office job so there is no way i can purge here.


Super charged worked out tonight.

I'm sure my weight hasn't changed. If i could get down to 117 by Friday I would be so happy.

I'm still freaking out. And to make today better I have gone over my credit card limit. Fuckkkk. I am in so much debt, yet I'm going to the USA in 3 months so I need money for then. Who knows wayys to get money quickly??

ahhh my life=down the drain.

fail fail fail.

Friday, August 19, 2011

I don't have time to get to the gym today but I'm trying to fit in at least 30 minutes of exercise at home.
But in the up side I now weigh:
10 pounds to lose by the end of next week. Haha I'm sure that's not gonna happen. But I'm hoping for atleast 5.

Yesterday was a bit of a failure. I was doing fine at work. Ate around 500 cal. Went to my night job and ended up binging on crisps and chocolate. Lots of chocolate. So I purged at work. I got most of it up but my teeth still feel really gross. Maybe it's just my tounge that feels gross. Idk.

Got work again tonight. I will have nothing but diet coke.

Not sure if I'll eat today. But I most likely will. Around 300? All good.

Fuck I'm in a werid mood.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

New York, New York

I have the worst cold ever.
My brain feels like it's about to explode out of my head.

I haven't been able to do any exercise since Monday as I feel like I'm about to die everytime I walk. So I haven't weighed myself.
But I don't think any progress has been made. I'm still a fat slug.

I went out for dinner with my friends last night. And I purged. Not all of it because someone walked into the bathroom when I was half way through. I'm really loud when I do it, so I can never have anyone near me.

But yeah, I havent purged since like march. I'm not sure how I feel about this....

Thinking about starting the skinny girl diet on Monday. Maybe. But most likely I will.

In happier news I have officially booked all my tickets and accomidation for my USA trip in December!
I'm in LA from the 7th-12th, then San Fran from the 12th-16th, then NYC (Brooklyn) from the 16th-22nd, then mid town manhattan 22nd-28th, then upper west side 28th-2nd which is when I fly home! But now I actually need to start saving.


Monday, August 15, 2011

This fucken cold can go die in a hole.

Holy Hippogriffs.
I feel like i have been run over by a train. My throat is inflamed and so sore, my nose is all blocked up, I have a splitting headache and my body is aching all over. It's so cold here in Auckland (it actually snowed here in Auckland yesterday! It hasn't done that in like 50 years) but my body is so hot, its like I'm surrounded by 20 heaters. I cant concentrate. Ive been at work for 4 hours and all I've done is book 3 flights. I swear it feels like I'm on drugs. But i have no appetite at all, so i suppose there is one up side to being sick.

But i just finally got over a cold last week and now I'm sick again? Unfair. I can never workout as well as i want to when I'm sick.

Didn't gym this morning because i fell straight back asleep after i turned my alarm off. I'm going to blame it on me being sick. I will go tonight though, no matter how i feel.

I didn't weigh myself this morning either :( I was running wayy too late for work. But I will tomorrow morning.

My mum gave me a whole lot of carrot sticks to take to work today :) I do love her a lot sometimes! I was planning to just have those and liquid (green tea,water, diet coke) for the rest of the day but now I'm meeting up with my bff at lunch time so I have no idea if she will want to get lunch or not. I suppose I should eat something to fight the cold, but i really don't want too.

I'm going out for dinner tomorrow night so no food for me during the day tomorrow. I love knowing ahead of time when I will be eating so I can plan my meals around that.

Nothing else interesting is going on :( Except I didn't get a job that i applied for. But I'm actually quite glad I didn't because that means I can go to New York for Christmas and New Years! Yayayaya!!! I'm so excited. My contract at my current job ends at the start of October. I'm trying to get a job in a bar or something at the moment, which would be great because we have the rugby world cup coming very shortly! Ive emailed two nightclubs and I'm going to go into a bar tomorrow and talk to the manager. Money=My life :)

Hope you are all feeling better than I am right now! (Tbh the room is spinning and it's taken me wayy to long to write this!)

Stay Strong.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Here we go again.

Well I'm at the gym again... On the bike again... On my iPhone, on blogger again....
I can see this turning into a daily thing.

I had an interesting weekend. I got duper wasted on Saturday night, my god. I have not been that drunk in a long time. But I hardly danced at all :( when I go out, I usually count on all the dancing to kinda balance out my intake. Around 3pm my bff and I thought it would be an amazing time to go get some food. So we walked for half an hour to get buyers from velvet burger. They are AMAZING. Not all fatty like McDonalds, but semi healthy.

When I woke up in the morning I was like 'the fuck?'. I was totally out if it. I ate some rice and drank some Ginger beer. An hour later I was sweet as! Hellz to the yes for brilliant hangover cures.

My bff and I ended up going out for lunch. We went to this amazing French cafe and had crepes with fruit. Then I ate 5 maracoons :( fuck fuck fuck. I had a veggie burrito for dinner as well. I don't want to know what my intake was. I didn't even get any exercise done.

But today is a new day. I'm at the gym right now and I'm planning on not eating very much at all. Plus I have a dance class tonight. Yay for more exercise! I am not weighing myself today, no freaken way would I. After the weekend I had?
But I might tomorrow. I'm just terrified of what I will see on the scale.

Can't I just be 110 now? I would be so very happy with that.

Stay Strong.

Friday, August 12, 2011

On the bike at the gym :)

Good afternoon everyone!

Im currently at the gym on the bike on my iPhone, so please excuse any spelling/grammar errors!

Yesterday was alright, but my night didn't go as planned.

At lunch I couldn't decide on what to eat so I ended up walking around my town for 45 minutes. Finally I ended up at a food court. I got a veggie curry combo which comes with rice, naan bread and a drink so I had a diet coke.
I ate only half the rice, 3/4 of the naan bread, half the sauce from the curry, none of the veggies. So not too bad.
Around 3pm I had a chocolate chip cookie. I wasn't going to eat anything else and I went to work and didn't gave anything there! (this is my 2nd job at a cinema, so it's surrounded in fat food).

I got home and my bff called me in tears. She had been out to dinner with her parents and they got really drunk. Her dad managed to put a hole through a door and got in a fight. Her mum was just screaming at ransoms yelling out 'my daughter is a whore!'. So she came round to mine and we ended up having a few glasses of wine and watching Harry potter 5. Then we had some brownie. Mutha fucken brownie. I had 2 small slices :(

Anyway this morning I has a bagel and a black coffee for breakfast. So I'm not going to have anything else for the rest of the day. But we are going out clubbing tonight so I'm most likely going to get super drunk, so I cam purge if I eat anything and no one will ask questions :)

Ahhhh fuck, shins so super sore right now and I'm sweating like a pig. Its gross, but being fat is worse!

No idea what my weight is but I'll weight myself on Monday.

Stay strong.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

2nd update today.... Can you tell I'm bored?

So my intake today didn't go as planned.

What actually happened:
Trim coffee - 140cal
Veggie sandwich -200 cal
Choc chip cookie - approx 80
2x brownie - 250
Total: 570cal

Meh. Could have been better.
I've got dance class in an hour so that should burn some off.
Tomorrow morning I think I'm going to do a 15/20 bike ride and then an hour of yoga. I love yoga. It allows me to clear my mind and focus on whats really important durning the day like work and not food.

I think I'm going to try and not weigh myself all Friday and the weekend. It might drive me crazy but hopefully I'll get a nice suprise on Monday morning :)

New goals!

15/8 - 119lbs
19/8 - 117lbs
22/8 - 115lbs
27/8 - 113lbs

And then if I accomplish that I'll sort out the next lot of goals.

If I can get to 117 by the 19th I'll get a new lipstick and if I can get to 115 by the 22nd then I'll buy a née clubbing dress!

I know in a few days this will all get easier. It always does.


When i weigh myself, I do it in the morning, just after I've gone pee.
This morning I weighed in at:

Didn't end up going to the gym this morning because my left foot was in so much pain and I was so freaken tired.
But no all is lost because i have an hour dance class tonight and then I'll d random exercises before bed. Will hopefully be down another pound tomorrow.

Planned intake:
Mini brownie - 80cal
Pumpkin soup - 120cal
Bread roll - 100cal
Skinny coffee - 140cal
1/2 a serving of fro-yo - 50 cal
Total: 490 cal

Planned outtake:
Dance class 200 cal

So it's not going to be a complete fail of a day.

Last night on the way home from work, people were handing out free boxes of chocolates. I wasn't going to take any but some guy thrusted it into my hands so i had to take it.
I got home and gave it straight to my mum. I was so happy that i had enough control to not eat it and not eat any that was offered to me.
Control=not completely gone!

Im currently at my work right now. Im a data entry/systems admin person so I'm just on the computer all day. Yesterday i spent almost the whole day on blogger, just catching up on everyones blogs!

Hope you all have amazinly skinny days!

Stay Strong.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Lets just restart.... again.

So it's been about 5 months since I've posted or even been on here.

To be honest i did try to 'recover'. I tried to be healthy. Eating around 1000 calories, exercising around 2 hours per day. That lasted for a few months. I gained a little muscle and burned off a lot of fat, but i still wasn't happy. But i wasn't completely hating myself either.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. After my dancing nationals, I sunk into this dark black cloud. All because i didn't do as well as i had hoped. After 7 months of putting my self through hell, training 3 hours a day on a torn ligament, sprained ankle and horrid shin splints, I didn't place. What was the point in putting myself through all that if i wasn't going to get anything as a reward.

So for 3 weeks i didn't exercise, binged on junk food like i never have before and sunk into a slight depression. I gained 6kgs in two weeks. That's around 12lbs. I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I wanted so badly to just cut all the fat off. I couldn't look in the mirror without crying.

But i decided enough was enough. I got my hair cut, dyed it slightly darker, got a new blazer, new pair of heels, brought new make up and decided to stop fucking around with my body. I can be better that what i am now. I know this because Ive been so close to my goal before. All i need is my control, my will-power back.

So I'm back and will hopefully be back for a long time. Ive tried to recover, Ive tried to be healthy but for me, none of that shit works.

My plan:
One meal a day, with one small snack if need be.
Gym, every morning before work.
600 calories max. everyday.

Today's intake:
Trim coffee - 140
Mini bagel crisps - 130
Taco salad - 250
Total = 520 cal.

No hard out exercise for me today :( I went out last night with a friend (and I had to eat because she is starting to get suspicious about my eating again) and i got quite tipsy. So i slept in this morning and was late for work. Then i have work tonight at my second job, so i wont get home till 10.30. But I will do heaps of sit ups and squats.

My current weight:
125lbs (ewww)

By the 23rd of August I will be 115 or lower. That's when i see my best friend next. She lives 9 hours away and I have to be semi thin when i see her next.

If i can get down to 118 by next Thursday (so a week and 1 day) then I will buy myself a new dress (max. $80). I love having incentives :D

Im so glad to be back. I love this amazing, supportive community.
Hopefully i'll write everyday, but maybe not. Who knows.

Stay Skinny.