About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I'm sure my weights just stuck at 117.

Then again, I haven't been exercising as much because my whole body is just breaking down on me. It's so horrible. I think I have some kind of virus because I wanted to throw up all yesterday and my muscles have been so weak. Dance has been way too hard. Maybe in dying. One could hope. I mean what's the point in life? To reproduce? Well I hate kids so I'm never having any. Dont worry, I'm not going to kill myself :) it's just sometimes I think about life and past peoples lifes and really, what dies matter? We are all going to die one day. Earth is going to die one day.

I can't eat junk food :D it just makesme feel so ill and so crap. Blegh it's gross. So that's good I suppose. However I'm still fat. I want to starve so badly. But I know I need to keep my strengh up for my dancing comp this weekend, so next week.

Google Kyle Warren bagpiper. Hottest piper ever. He is so kind and nice and amazingly good looking. I'm defs in live hehe. So glad I got to hang out with him both times he played in Auckland. Fuck, New Zealand needs guys like him! I swear we have the worst quality guys ever. It sucks. Forever alone :(

Thursday, October 6, 2011

2nd post today...

I'm bored at work, hence my 2nd post.

Two things:
1) I went out for lunch with my dad today and he said that my face was looking thinner :)
2) After we finished, he said 'You didn't eat much did you?'. I said "No I ate heaps". Realised that that I didnt actually eat much at all.

Thin for the win!

Intake today:
-Trim Hot chocolate
- Orange and date scone
- Diet coke
-Indian for lunch (little bit of nann bread, rice, mixed veggies.

Planned intake for tonight:
- Diet coke
- Trim hot chocolate

No exercise today :( I over slept my alarm this morning and got in to work late. Not that anyone actually noticed. My last day and everyone that I work with except for one person has taken the day off. Fuck them. Actually they gave me a $50 mall voucher yesterday so I'm not complaining :) When my mum left after being here for 4 years she got nothing. I've only been here for 10 months.

Then I'm working at my 2nd job tonight. Mehhhhhh. So no exercise.

But tomorrow I will do extra workouts. 1 hour dancing practice, 30 minutes bike, 30 minutes core workout, stretching. I don't have much free time tomorrow so thats all I can fit in. Oh and under 600 cal of course :)

The weather is amazing here in Auckland today. I want to go to the beach so bad! Which actually makes me want to not eat anything and run my fat butt off. Need to get bikin ready. asap.

Mother fucker. I hate periods. Go the fuck away.
I had major cramps last night and this morning. I need up eating 3 peices of my mums brownie :O not good. But I'm not beating myself up about it. Soon my period will be gone forever!

Im going to talk to my bestfriend who lives 10 hours away tomorrow. I think she cones home in around 4 weeks, but I'm going to find out the exact date and by that date I will be down to 110. No excuses.

Its my last day at work today! I'm kinda excited because this job makes me so fucken hungry. But I'm going to need to get some cash pronto. However I have a job interview on Monday morning! I have no idea what the actual job is but its for a marketing solutions company. I really hope I get it! Even if I only stay there for a few months, it will be enough money for my USA trip.

In more exciting news: I GET TO DANCE WITH THE RED HOT CHILI PIPERS ON MONDAY NIGHT!!!! Ahhhh I'm so super exciting. They are an amazing bagrock band. YouTube them now!
They performed last Friday in Auckland, but I was too injured to dance :( so I'm fricken excited that I actually get to dance with them this time around. And a few of them are total hotties! Dougie is 19 - total cutie and Kyle Warren is 25 and a world champion bagpiper. He is extremely handsome. *drooling so bad right now*. Haha

So not much else is happening. I'm still fat ( I need to stop binging, it's actually killing me. Eating your feelings does not work. Ever.). But that's gonna change.


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Light at the end of the tunnel

I'm feeling much better today. I've calmed down and sorted out a new life plan. Everything will be alright.
I'm still a bit concerned about my lack of funds for my NYC trip, but if I save my ass off and manage to get a new job between now and December, I should be alright. Worst case, I'll just have to get a loan which I would pay off next year. Just trying to stay positive.

My body was suprisingly looking okay this morning. My stomach is starting to look much more toned, you can see my ribs and
hip bones more and my back is looking more boney. I just need my ankle to heal and then I'll be able to get back to full on exercising. Once I can do that, the weight will start to melt off, it always does.

My skin, on the other hand is looking terrible!! I'm breaking out all over and I can't stop it or hide it. I'm thinking I might try a fruit/vege detox.

Intake today will be very average. Around 700 cal.
Trim mocha - 140
Mango muffin - 260
Veggie pizza, homemade - 300

I've been addicted to the edconfessions tumblr the last few days. It may be the mist triggering thing ever! I love it!

Hope you are all having wonderfully skinny days.


Monday, October 3, 2011

I'm just another failure at life.

Serisouly though. I am.
I have nothing going for me. I'm so bored with life, but I just don't know what to do.

I'm sick and tired of being constantly injured, embrassing myself on a daily basis, of always being alone, of being fat, of not having any money so I have to steal it from work, of constantly fighting with my parents and my sister, of having $4000 credit card debit, of not having achieved a single one of my goals this year, of having nothing I'm good at.

I just want to escape and get away from it all.
I'm going to NYC in December. All flight are payed for but that's it. And I'm so poor. I can barley afford basic living let alone actually saving. Fuck I don't even have a passport yet. Atleast that will be a month of not eating :/

I just want to have an actual plan and some direction in my life. I just want to perform. But I don't know if I'm ready to give up on my highland dancing yet. I've worked so hard for so many years and I'm still not ranked. I'm still not part if the elite group.

Fuck, I don't know what I'm doing with life. My plans are changing almost every day.
My full time job finishes this Friday. I'm super fucked if I can't find another one.


I just want all this to stop. I need that light at the end of the tunnel but I just can't see it.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Flames are burning around me

My life feels like it's falling down around me.
My contract at my current job ends next week. I still don't have a new job secured. I might have a new jib lined up, but then again maybe not.
I've fucked my ankle, so I'm the most injured I've been all year. I was meant to dance in two performances this weekend but now I can't. I've got to have 7 days complete rest. Which means no exercise at all for seven days. Which means an increase in my appetite. Fuck me now.
I have no money at all. Im meant to be going away for a dancing trip in 3 weeks. I have no idea how I'm going to afford it. I'm going to the USA in December for a month and I have no money for accomidation or food or spending money. Fuck me again.

I'm going to stop eating now. Jokes. But actually 600 cal max. It still feels like too much. I'm just way to fat to even be allowed to eat.

If I'm busy, I don't even get hungry. The problem is at work, my job is do boring. All I think about is my fat and what meals I should eat.

I will not weight myself until the end of October. That way there will be extra pressure on myself to weigh as little as possible.

Hope all is well with you all. Gonna catch up on all your blogs tonight!


Monday, September 19, 2011

Mirror says fat.

I am not eating anymore.

I've just been putting so much crap junky stuff in my body the past week, I feel like a whale.

I don't think I've actually put on any weight. I refuse to weigh myself. I'm going by what the mirror says amd the mirror says I'm fat. Maybe my thoughts are just getting more twisted. Idk.

Burned 300 cal this morning, but I think I ate around 1000. Fuckety fuck.
I couldn't work our tonight because I had work. I worked 14 hours today. Plus I've killed ny right eye. My contact did something werid and made my eye go all inflamed and sore and i wanted to claw my eye out. Not fun. Then I watched the glee project and it was the episode where Cameron goes home and I got all emotional and started crying and now my eye hurts like a mother fucker.

Massive workouts planned for tomorrow, with no actual meals :)

I want to starve.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


I feel fat.
Hence the lack of posts.
Ive been super busy and just feeling like shit.

I'll update again tonight or tomorrow. Or whenever I feel like it.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Sick of being freaken sick

I'm sick again.
Nearly fainted/collapsed/vomited at dance yesterday. The room was spinning and I couldn't even stand up straight.

Then I had a dinner party for my friends 20th birthday last night.
I ate wayy too much and I couldn't purge and I can't even exercise.
I feel like I'm about to die if I even do as much as jump.

So I plan on reading all day. Just finished one book called 'thirteen reasons why' by Jay Asher. It blew my mind. It's about a girl who committed suicide and recorded all these tapes when she was alive explaining why she was going to take her life.

It's fathers day so I had to make breakfast for my dad. I made pancakes and had 2 (300cals). I didn't even really realize I was eating them till after I had finished. Fuck.

The fact that I can't exercise today is driving me crazy. I need to do something so bad.

I'm tired. Time for another sleep.....


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Note to self: Dont drink and blog.

Oh my lord.
Last night was interesting.
I got WASTED on a bottle of wine, one vodka lemon and lime and half a purple rain cocktail.
Then I spent half the night making out with this guy who I kinda knew. And he was a damn good kisser ;)

But then he ran off after some international chick....
So I went on a drunken search for my two bff's. Found one (she was super drunk) hanging out with a random. So I stole half his drink hehe. Then later I found my other bff and her boyfriend and they were having a massive fight. She was crying her eyes out and I don't blame her. Her boyfriend is such a dick. So went went to get food *cringe* Kebab's to be exact. I swear I either spent $20 on food or I gave a massive tip. Whatevs. But then I got hot chips as well, which I don't remember ordering.... But at least it sobered me up a bit. I got home like 3.30am

Got up 7 to go to work. And I was still drunk. I think the hangover is starting to kick in now but it should be too bad because Ive eaten and kept hydrated.
Food today has been terrible. I went to McDonald's for breakfast. Fuck. I feel so ashamed.
I got hot cakes and then 2 hash browns. After that I had 2 trim hot chocolates and and orange juice. For lunch I got a kebab but I ate like 4 bites because I wasn't even hungry and it had hummus in it and I hate hummus. It's so gross.

So I'm currently drinking a diet coke because my stomach is all grumbly :(
Fasting tomorrow to try and reverse the damage I did last night and this morning.

Blegh I'm currently dying. I need sleep asap.


Haha bitches I'm drunk.

I am not held account able for the amount of calories I have tonight.

Fick one one of my sober friends jus saw this

Haha fml.

I'm rather drunk haha.
Hope you girls are having are wonderful day no matter what the the time zone.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Hell Yesss!!!

Finally some movement in my weight!
Even after eating a little bit last night. I had 3 crackers with tiny slices of light cheese.
I was not going to eat anything but I got home after an insanely hard dance class and I felt like I was going to faint. I still hadn't done my night exercises so I needed to have a tiny bit of energy to do that.

I was going to try to fast again today but I am going out clubbing tonight so I know I need a little bit of something in my body otherwise I'm going to get wicked wasted and that's always when I binge :(
Tomorrow might be interesting.... I generally eat a fair amount the day after I go drinking, even though it's never more than 1000cal it's still a freaken lot.
So for lunch I have rice with spicy veggies. And only a small container worth so it won't be much.

No gym this morning :( I went to bed rather late and I need my sleep if I'm going out tonight.

Hope you all have a wonderful day! I know I will.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Breaking fast...

Broke my fast :(
I was going so well, but I had totally forgotten that I had told my dad I would go out to lunch with him. There was no way I could get out of it.
We went to a Turkish place and I got a mini falafel salad. I added it all up and it came to 150 cal. Not too bad, but I wasn't even hungry!

Atleast I dont have to work tonight anymore so I can workout at home :)
I plan on starting my fast again. I was 16 hours in, but I think I'm going to go for another 24 hours.

My friend just asked if I wanted to go to the hot pools. I actually started shaking when I read the message. There is no way I'm getting in my Bikin in public looking like this. Here in New Zealand it's not swimsuit season for another 2 months! I have until then to get ready. Not now. No way. So I made up an excuse that I had a dancing thing that night, which is half true. I have a performance that afternoon till 6.

Did a half-assed work out this morning :( I was late to the gym so I didn't get to do my whole workout :( but it's alright because I van workout tonight! Yaya.

A friend of Ana: im 5'6. This fast better help me lose, otherwise I will lose my mind!

I swear if I haven't lost anything by tomorrow morning, I will go crazy. Like kill everyone crazy.


I am still 120. So frustrating. I could rip out my hair, I'm that mad.
But I don't get it.
I've been exercising and eating an average off 600 cal per day.

So I'm fasting tomorrow. This will be very interesting as I haven't fasted in agesss.
Oh well. Im going out wedesday night so I won't eat much till then and I can get super wasted on not much. Yess plan.

My weekend was so average. I had an amazing workout on Sunday. 1 hour cardio, 1 hour weights and stretching. Then yoga Sunday night and kickboxing class this morning.

This not getting rid of my fat is messing with my brain... I can't even think.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Binge? Hell no.

My weight is still the same. I don't fucken understand it.
Why won't the weight just go away.

I ran today for the first time in 3 months. Only 3kms but it's something.
My thighs are so sore. Massive workout planned for tomorrow. So keen.
Plus I'm getting wasted tomorrow. Excited to get drunk out of my brain. To just forget all my worries.

I'm starving right now. Want to binge. But I won't. But I'm starving.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Welcome to another day in paradise...

Still the same freaken weight.
Not happy.
Then again I havent been going that well this week. No major binges and everyday has been under 800 cal but I haven't been doing much exercise :/ hopefully tomorrow morning will be better.

Had a great workout this morning. Not amazing, but it was still great. Had a 45 minute dance class tonight and I left covered in sweat so that's gotta be good.

Outtake today:
Aprox 450 cal

Intake today:
Soup - 200 cal
Afghan biscuit - 150 cal
Few spoonfuls of plain pasta - aprox 100 cal
Glass of trim Choc milk - 100 cal
Total: 550

Damn. Not as good as I had hoped. My mum made me pasta for dinner and I felt really bad because she never makes me dinner and she was just trying to be nice. So I had to eat a couple if spoonfuls. But I swear if I haven't lost any weight by tomorrow morning, I will cut a bitch.

Today I realized that my bff has recently lost a lot of weight. I just can't deal with this. I'm the skinny one. I'm the fucked up one. She can't take this away from me. I need to find out how much she weights and then weigh less. There's no way I would ever be the average one. Fuck.Fuck.Fuck. Even my mum said that she's lost weight.

This is turning into a competition that she doesn't even know she's playing. Well guess what sweetie? I will win.

One of my good friends is back at home for 2 weeks from uni and I swear she's lost weight as well.


I don't intend of losing weight. To lose something means there's a chance of finding it again. I am getting rid of my fat. I don't ever want it back.

Stay Strong.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

No Exercise = Crazy Emaily

No gym again today.
I'm finding myself fantasising about what workouts to do.....

I think I'm going crazy!

I ended up sharing 1/2 a small packet of m&m with my bff at work last night.
I was so angry because I kept on making shitty coffees. My god, they tasted so bitter and I couldn't understand why so I started freaking out (making a good coffee is like my 'thing'). I'm going to blame it one the beans. Yeah good job Emily, always blaming something else.

My bff stayed over at house last night so I couldn't get any sneaky exercise done and I had to skip on the gym this morning. I was going to do a massive workout tonight but they were a person short at my cinema so I said I would take the shift. (I'm in desperate need of money!)

My dad took me out for lunch today. I had a tofu curry. Didn't eat any of the tofu or veggies. Just rice and sauce. No idea how many calories. I hate not knowing. It makes me feel like I have no control of anything. So because of that, no more food for the rest of the day.
Just water, diet coke and an iced tea (95 cal).

I'll do a miniature work out when I get home home work tonight.
100 crunches.
3 minutes of squats
3x 1 minute planks
3 minutes of leg lifts
plus stretching.

Then tomorrow morning, GYM :) I'm gonna sass that gym session so hard.

Im thinking of doing a liquid diet on Friday and Saturday day. But eating something before I go out on Saturday night. Just light cheese and crackers.


Right. Going to go get a diet coke. yay.


Monday, August 22, 2011

It's a better day, so just smile :)

Hello my lovey Lady's!

Hope your days are all going well?
Today has been a better day for me.

So far I went to the gym this morning (over slept my alarm AGAIN! But i still made it there in time for a short workout). Did 20 minutes on the bike (Burned -190 cal), leg weights and 5 minutes of ab's. Tomorrow I'm going at night so there's nothing stopping me from doing a proper workout.

Had a dance lesson last night (at the moment they are almost always private lesson which means its a lot harder!) and my shins freaken started hurting again.


But it was a good workout (-300 cals). After not doing any dancing for a month, my muscles are feeling super weird today.Which is why i hate taking breaks :(

In happier news, I should be able to run again in two months! In my right ankle I currently have a torn ligament, bruised bone, tiny fracture in the bone, and extra fluid within one of my ankle bones. My left ankle is sprained (and hurts like a bitch when i dance) and my big toe on my left foot is sprained (but almost healed!). But if my shin splints don't die very shortly, I'm going to have to wait a lot longer than 2 months to go for a run.

Intake today:
1/2 a pear - 40cal
Carrot soup - 200cal (rounding it up)
Caramel slice - 300cal (rounding it up)
Diet coke - 1cal :)

Total: 541

I'm not going to have anything else today. I'm feeling satisfied right now (although i didn't need that slice, not at all). I do have to go to work at my cinema job tonight and it's kinda easy to not eat there as everything is just junkjunkjunk. I always end up having a trim hot chocolate though. Just because I get so cold and i love chocolate milk.

I didn't weigh myself today and i doubt i will till Friday.
It is actually one of the most terrifying things to do.
I really do need to start weighing myself everyday though.

As long as i can look good for when I go out this weekend, Ill be happy. If i look the slightest bit fat, I am getting super trashed. Good plan!!

Stay Strong.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Freaking out...

Oh my lord.
I'm freaking out right now. Seriously, my heart is beating way to fast and i can think straight.

Ive eaten wayy too much. I'm not empty anymore. I didn't even go to the gym this morning. I'm at my office job so there is no way i can purge here.


Super charged worked out tonight.

I'm sure my weight hasn't changed. If i could get down to 117 by Friday I would be so happy.

I'm still freaking out. And to make today better I have gone over my credit card limit. Fuckkkk. I am in so much debt, yet I'm going to the USA in 3 months so I need money for then. Who knows wayys to get money quickly??

ahhh my life=down the drain.

fail fail fail.

Friday, August 19, 2011

I don't have time to get to the gym today but I'm trying to fit in at least 30 minutes of exercise at home.
But in the up side I now weigh:
10 pounds to lose by the end of next week. Haha I'm sure that's not gonna happen. But I'm hoping for atleast 5.

Yesterday was a bit of a failure. I was doing fine at work. Ate around 500 cal. Went to my night job and ended up binging on crisps and chocolate. Lots of chocolate. So I purged at work. I got most of it up but my teeth still feel really gross. Maybe it's just my tounge that feels gross. Idk.

Got work again tonight. I will have nothing but diet coke.

Not sure if I'll eat today. But I most likely will. Around 300? All good.

Fuck I'm in a werid mood.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

New York, New York

I have the worst cold ever.
My brain feels like it's about to explode out of my head.

I haven't been able to do any exercise since Monday as I feel like I'm about to die everytime I walk. So I haven't weighed myself.
But I don't think any progress has been made. I'm still a fat slug.

I went out for dinner with my friends last night. And I purged. Not all of it because someone walked into the bathroom when I was half way through. I'm really loud when I do it, so I can never have anyone near me.

But yeah, I havent purged since like march. I'm not sure how I feel about this....

Thinking about starting the skinny girl diet on Monday. Maybe. But most likely I will.

In happier news I have officially booked all my tickets and accomidation for my USA trip in December!
I'm in LA from the 7th-12th, then San Fran from the 12th-16th, then NYC (Brooklyn) from the 16th-22nd, then mid town manhattan 22nd-28th, then upper west side 28th-2nd which is when I fly home! But now I actually need to start saving.


Monday, August 15, 2011

This fucken cold can go die in a hole.

Holy Hippogriffs.
I feel like i have been run over by a train. My throat is inflamed and so sore, my nose is all blocked up, I have a splitting headache and my body is aching all over. It's so cold here in Auckland (it actually snowed here in Auckland yesterday! It hasn't done that in like 50 years) but my body is so hot, its like I'm surrounded by 20 heaters. I cant concentrate. Ive been at work for 4 hours and all I've done is book 3 flights. I swear it feels like I'm on drugs. But i have no appetite at all, so i suppose there is one up side to being sick.

But i just finally got over a cold last week and now I'm sick again? Unfair. I can never workout as well as i want to when I'm sick.

Didn't gym this morning because i fell straight back asleep after i turned my alarm off. I'm going to blame it on me being sick. I will go tonight though, no matter how i feel.

I didn't weigh myself this morning either :( I was running wayy too late for work. But I will tomorrow morning.

My mum gave me a whole lot of carrot sticks to take to work today :) I do love her a lot sometimes! I was planning to just have those and liquid (green tea,water, diet coke) for the rest of the day but now I'm meeting up with my bff at lunch time so I have no idea if she will want to get lunch or not. I suppose I should eat something to fight the cold, but i really don't want too.

I'm going out for dinner tomorrow night so no food for me during the day tomorrow. I love knowing ahead of time when I will be eating so I can plan my meals around that.

Nothing else interesting is going on :( Except I didn't get a job that i applied for. But I'm actually quite glad I didn't because that means I can go to New York for Christmas and New Years! Yayayaya!!! I'm so excited. My contract at my current job ends at the start of October. I'm trying to get a job in a bar or something at the moment, which would be great because we have the rugby world cup coming very shortly! Ive emailed two nightclubs and I'm going to go into a bar tomorrow and talk to the manager. Money=My life :)

Hope you are all feeling better than I am right now! (Tbh the room is spinning and it's taken me wayy to long to write this!)

Stay Strong.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Here we go again.

Well I'm at the gym again... On the bike again... On my iPhone, on blogger again....
I can see this turning into a daily thing.

I had an interesting weekend. I got duper wasted on Saturday night, my god. I have not been that drunk in a long time. But I hardly danced at all :( when I go out, I usually count on all the dancing to kinda balance out my intake. Around 3pm my bff and I thought it would be an amazing time to go get some food. So we walked for half an hour to get buyers from velvet burger. They are AMAZING. Not all fatty like McDonalds, but semi healthy.

When I woke up in the morning I was like 'the fuck?'. I was totally out if it. I ate some rice and drank some Ginger beer. An hour later I was sweet as! Hellz to the yes for brilliant hangover cures.

My bff and I ended up going out for lunch. We went to this amazing French cafe and had crepes with fruit. Then I ate 5 maracoons :( fuck fuck fuck. I had a veggie burrito for dinner as well. I don't want to know what my intake was. I didn't even get any exercise done.

But today is a new day. I'm at the gym right now and I'm planning on not eating very much at all. Plus I have a dance class tonight. Yay for more exercise! I am not weighing myself today, no freaken way would I. After the weekend I had?
But I might tomorrow. I'm just terrified of what I will see on the scale.

Can't I just be 110 now? I would be so very happy with that.

Stay Strong.

Friday, August 12, 2011

On the bike at the gym :)

Good afternoon everyone!

Im currently at the gym on the bike on my iPhone, so please excuse any spelling/grammar errors!

Yesterday was alright, but my night didn't go as planned.

At lunch I couldn't decide on what to eat so I ended up walking around my town for 45 minutes. Finally I ended up at a food court. I got a veggie curry combo which comes with rice, naan bread and a drink so I had a diet coke.
I ate only half the rice, 3/4 of the naan bread, half the sauce from the curry, none of the veggies. So not too bad.
Around 3pm I had a chocolate chip cookie. I wasn't going to eat anything else and I went to work and didn't gave anything there! (this is my 2nd job at a cinema, so it's surrounded in fat food).

I got home and my bff called me in tears. She had been out to dinner with her parents and they got really drunk. Her dad managed to put a hole through a door and got in a fight. Her mum was just screaming at ransoms yelling out 'my daughter is a whore!'. So she came round to mine and we ended up having a few glasses of wine and watching Harry potter 5. Then we had some brownie. Mutha fucken brownie. I had 2 small slices :(

Anyway this morning I has a bagel and a black coffee for breakfast. So I'm not going to have anything else for the rest of the day. But we are going out clubbing tonight so I'm most likely going to get super drunk, so I cam purge if I eat anything and no one will ask questions :)

Ahhhh fuck, shins so super sore right now and I'm sweating like a pig. Its gross, but being fat is worse!

No idea what my weight is but I'll weight myself on Monday.

Stay strong.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

2nd update today.... Can you tell I'm bored?

So my intake today didn't go as planned.

What actually happened:
Trim coffee - 140cal
Veggie sandwich -200 cal
Choc chip cookie - approx 80
2x brownie - 250
Total: 570cal

Meh. Could have been better.
I've got dance class in an hour so that should burn some off.
Tomorrow morning I think I'm going to do a 15/20 bike ride and then an hour of yoga. I love yoga. It allows me to clear my mind and focus on whats really important durning the day like work and not food.

I think I'm going to try and not weigh myself all Friday and the weekend. It might drive me crazy but hopefully I'll get a nice suprise on Monday morning :)

New goals!

15/8 - 119lbs
19/8 - 117lbs
22/8 - 115lbs
27/8 - 113lbs

And then if I accomplish that I'll sort out the next lot of goals.

If I can get to 117 by the 19th I'll get a new lipstick and if I can get to 115 by the 22nd then I'll buy a née clubbing dress!

I know in a few days this will all get easier. It always does.


When i weigh myself, I do it in the morning, just after I've gone pee.
This morning I weighed in at:

Didn't end up going to the gym this morning because my left foot was in so much pain and I was so freaken tired.
But no all is lost because i have an hour dance class tonight and then I'll d random exercises before bed. Will hopefully be down another pound tomorrow.

Planned intake:
Mini brownie - 80cal
Pumpkin soup - 120cal
Bread roll - 100cal
Skinny coffee - 140cal
1/2 a serving of fro-yo - 50 cal
Total: 490 cal

Planned outtake:
Dance class 200 cal

So it's not going to be a complete fail of a day.

Last night on the way home from work, people were handing out free boxes of chocolates. I wasn't going to take any but some guy thrusted it into my hands so i had to take it.
I got home and gave it straight to my mum. I was so happy that i had enough control to not eat it and not eat any that was offered to me.
Control=not completely gone!

Im currently at my work right now. Im a data entry/systems admin person so I'm just on the computer all day. Yesterday i spent almost the whole day on blogger, just catching up on everyones blogs!

Hope you all have amazinly skinny days!

Stay Strong.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Lets just restart.... again.

So it's been about 5 months since I've posted or even been on here.

To be honest i did try to 'recover'. I tried to be healthy. Eating around 1000 calories, exercising around 2 hours per day. That lasted for a few months. I gained a little muscle and burned off a lot of fat, but i still wasn't happy. But i wasn't completely hating myself either.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. After my dancing nationals, I sunk into this dark black cloud. All because i didn't do as well as i had hoped. After 7 months of putting my self through hell, training 3 hours a day on a torn ligament, sprained ankle and horrid shin splints, I didn't place. What was the point in putting myself through all that if i wasn't going to get anything as a reward.

So for 3 weeks i didn't exercise, binged on junk food like i never have before and sunk into a slight depression. I gained 6kgs in two weeks. That's around 12lbs. I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I wanted so badly to just cut all the fat off. I couldn't look in the mirror without crying.

But i decided enough was enough. I got my hair cut, dyed it slightly darker, got a new blazer, new pair of heels, brought new make up and decided to stop fucking around with my body. I can be better that what i am now. I know this because Ive been so close to my goal before. All i need is my control, my will-power back.

So I'm back and will hopefully be back for a long time. Ive tried to recover, Ive tried to be healthy but for me, none of that shit works.

My plan:
One meal a day, with one small snack if need be.
Gym, every morning before work.
600 calories max. everyday.

Today's intake:
Trim coffee - 140
Mini bagel crisps - 130
Taco salad - 250
Total = 520 cal.

No hard out exercise for me today :( I went out last night with a friend (and I had to eat because she is starting to get suspicious about my eating again) and i got quite tipsy. So i slept in this morning and was late for work. Then i have work tonight at my second job, so i wont get home till 10.30. But I will do heaps of sit ups and squats.

My current weight:
125lbs (ewww)

By the 23rd of August I will be 115 or lower. That's when i see my best friend next. She lives 9 hours away and I have to be semi thin when i see her next.

If i can get down to 118 by next Thursday (so a week and 1 day) then I will buy myself a new dress (max. $80). I love having incentives :D

Im so glad to be back. I love this amazing, supportive community.
Hopefully i'll write everyday, but maybe not. Who knows.

Stay Skinny.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Yesterday was abit of a flop. Not a really one but still a flop. I ate around 300 more calories than I had planned to. I blame cookie dough ice cream. It's so deliciously evil.

But even though I ate over my calories I had a massive surprise when I weighed myself this morning:

113 (51.4kg)

I had to weigh myself another ten times to make sure it wasn't lying. It wasn't.
It's werid though, last time i was this light my arms were tiny, I was eating almost nothing and I was so headed all the time. Hmmmm. Odd. I am exercising alot more now though. Last night I did notice how flat my stomach had gotten again. It's starting to look good, can't say the same about my thighs and my butt. Oh well, looks like I've still got a long way to go.

Food for today:
Breakfast: trim mocha
Lunch: salad
Dinner: rice wafer with low fat veggie cheese and tomato.
I have a feeling that I've brought enough coffees to get a free muffin. I might eat it. I know muffins are just packed with calories but I do have dance tonight and I went to the gym this morning.

I'm on my way to work at the moment. I missed 5 different ferries this morning. So not a good start to the day.

Love you all, stay skinny!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Fat fuckers

Okay so fuck this shit.
I just wanna chop off all this fat.
I've tried being healthly. Eating no more than 1200 but no less than 600 calories.
But it ain't working.
I just had a little break down in front of my mirror.
I am fat.
My thighs are huge.
I have muffins on my hips.
I've lost my collar bones.
I just can't deal with this anymore.
I've tried to ignore the voices in my head but I can't resist them any longer.
Which is why I'm back here. Blogging. I've been on tumblr, but it's just not the same.

So I'm cutting down to around 300-400 cal per day with at least an hour of exercise. But I'm doing around 2 hours 5 days a week now.
I need to be thin. I would be so happy with 110 pounds (50kg). I would be the happiest girl on earth.

So tomorrow:
Trim mocha for breakfast - 140 cal
Couscous salad for lunch - 200
Rice wafer with cheese and tomato for dinner - 80

Plus I'm doing a kick boxing class before work and 1 and a half hour dance class after work.

Although today I brought 2 pairs of lee rider jeans. Both are a size 6 and fit perfectly. Size 6 (xs) is the smallest size they make. Which is odd. Because I'm back up at 124 pounds and yet I'm wearing xs?

Weird. Anyway I'm looking forward to catching up on all your blogs!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Once again, I'm back

I just can't stop fucking up. I can't help it. Everyday I look in the mirror and want to cry and tear all the fat off my body. How the fuck did I let myself get to this point. 

Everything starts new now. Once again, I'm back to the weight I was when I started this blog. What a complete failure I am. 

Btw I've kinda ditched blogger for tumblr. I like the pretty pictures :) I'll post my URL sometime. Leave yours and I'll be happy to follow. 

Monday, January 31, 2011


So I'm back at the footcourt again. The one with the free Internet :)

I brought myself a plate of noodles and a diet coke. I ate about 5 mouthfuls of the noodles. I will not eat anymore. No way. But I'm proud if myself cause I ate less than half the plate. Contemplating throwing it up but I'm always terrifed of getting caught throwing up in public places. Did I say that I started purging again? Well I have. I don't like it and I don't want to do it but it's better than being fat right? I've only done it twice in the last five days so as long as I don't fall back into the whole binging/purging routine it's all good.

Exercise wise - I feel like I've been doing alot better. I've being going to the gym almost everyday and dance class every second day. I defently feel like I've lost a little round my stomach but I've still got muffins/love handles. They. Must. Be. Removed. ASAP.

I went and saw Black Swan the other night! Holy mother fucker. Natalie Portmans body!!!! Damn I want it. I will get it. I'm trying to limit carbs although it's friggen hard cause everything I eat tends to be carbs. That can be stopped though :) but she does look amazing. Also being a dancer myself it would be the perfect body for me. I plan on going back to see it as many times as I possibly can. It really is that amazing.

Update on the boy :) - he was outta town this weekend. But I'm gonna try and see him tomorrow after work as he's away this coming weiend as well. I haven't seen him in just over two weeks. Arghh it's killing me! We've been txting, kinda. And he usually txts me first which must mean he's still interested in me right? I really hope so.

So that's all. Nothing new really. Nothing exciting. I'll gym tonight and weigh myself tomorrow morning.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

Fucken boys

I'm actually gaining some control back.
Thin for the win :)

idk I just don't feel like eating anymore. But I'm not sure if it's because of the fact that I'm fat or that I have sunk into this depressive mood because of the boy. I haven't seen him since last week because he has been sick and he's not the greatest at replying to my txts. I'm feeling rather unloved and I can't help thunk what I've done wrong. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want to lose him. Fml I'm falling for him way to hard. I will see him this weekend. It will happen. If I don't and he doesn't give me a reason for not wanting to hang out I'm giving up on him. And realtionship in general. I will throw myself back into losing weight. Like I was this time last year cause I've kinda tryed to eat more for my friends but that might just change after this weekend. Oh if he only knew what ge was doing to me.
I hooked with a random the other night. Just to see what I felt. I felt so horrible like I wanted to kill myself. Not really but I felt so bad. Hooking up with randoms has never given me that feeling. Plus he was a super bad kisser.

Love fucken sucks. I hate it and yet I want it so much.

Anyway I'm off to the gym :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I am currently sitting in a food court by my work that has free wifi. Why did I only just find this??????
I got a subway veggie delight 6inch and a bowl of hot chips. They fucked up my subway so I only ate half and then I was on rumble which made me not want to eat my chips, so I only ate half. Yay. Plus I had a non fat coffee from sb this morning so i've had enough for the day :) but I didn't gym this morning so I feel gross and it's that time of the month which just makes it worse. TMI sorry! Hehe.

I am super excited about going out tonight! And hopefully seeing the boy :) but I'm looking like a cow and my face has broken out so bad :(( im not planning in getting too wastey tonight, just 2 or 3 drinks and I'll be fine.

Hope all is well for y'all. Gota go back to work :( kill me.

I shall be back tomorrow lunch to post more!


Willpower, please come back?

I need to stop eating. Right now. I need to stop now. Everyday I start off fine, then I say I'm only going to have lunch. But I get home and I think to myself 'if I eat I'll go to the gym'. So I let myself eat. Then I just sit infronr of the tv all night.

But I'm stopping that right this very second.

Working full time is really screwing with me. I sit down at a computer all day and yet I'm so tired. It's horrible. So I went and brought some caffine pills and energy pills yesterday. The energy ones only have 5 cal :) I'm going to try and live off a diet of salads, subway, diet coke, water and energy pills. It will work

I'm going out clubbing tomorrow night even though I have work the next morning. But that's what energy pills are for right? Hehe. And I might, I really hope I do, meet up with the boy. I really like him and even though he doesn't deserve someone like me (vain, fucked in the head, fat, possisive) I really hope something more will come from tomorrow night :)

I didn't exercise today so I'm feeling super flubby :( I wasgoing to gym in the morning, but I'm so super tired I just can't. Fml. Where has my willpower gone???

Monday, January 17, 2011

Someone help me?

Meeting up with the guy I like tomorrownight. Only problem? I'm looking super frumpy and fat these days.

I had a falafal salad, bowl of pasta and a chocolate brownie today.

I fell down a flight of stairs today as well. Damanged my ankle even more which means no gym. Fml.

Can someone please stop me hurting myself and stop me eating???

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I met a boy. He is simply wonderful. I've only known him just under 2 weeks but I feel like I'm falling in love. It's amazing.

I will not being weighing myself till Friday. Last week was just one big binge and I can see it on my body. It's gross. This week is salad or nothing. Except if I meet up with my boy. I would eat for him.
I'm going back to the gym and dance this week, I need to get some exercise done.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Let me tell you a story...

I just haven't been blogging at all. I wish I could have, but I just didn't feel like it. Nothing interesting has been happening in my life. I haven't been restricting or exercising that much. 

It's changing now. For the next two weeks, 500 cal per day. Atleast 10 hours of exercise per week. One of my New Years resolutions was to blog more, to keep track of my life. 

I currently weigh 53 kg which is 116. By the first of Feburay I will be 110 (50kg). I can easily lose 6 pounds in 23 days. 

Anyway update on my life:
- I just turned 18 :) on New Years day in fact. In New Zealand this means I can go out drinking, clubbing. It's amazing. I feel like I can finally live my life without my parents telling me what to do. I love it. Independence is the best. 
- I got a mint as job. I get paid as much as my mum :) it's just doing basic database stuff but that's all good. I work there 4 days a week and then I work Friday and Saturday nights as a supervisor at a movie theatre. As you can tell I am very much a workaholic. My database contract is only for 6 months, but I'll most probley get another contract after that had finished. 
- My love life is basically dead as per usual. But I did meet a guy in town on Wednesday night :) his name is Justin and he is supercute :D I hooked up with him at the club and then gave him my number. I didn't expect him to text me but he did that night and yesterday :) he is totally the perfect guy I would want. I really hope we meet up again sometime. Shall update later!
I could really do with some loving in my life. Hope you all are well. Damn I really miss blogging.