About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Friday, October 29, 2010

life is going, going, going...

Currently in the middle of a menatl breakdown. I dont know how to describe it.

Fuck everything. I randomly started crying in class yesterday and then yelled at my teacher. Bitch.

I'll be back at the end of the week, once my damn art folio is done. But to be honest, i dont know how im going to last the week.

I just dont know anything anymore....

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Fast yesterday went well. I didnt eat a single thing :) I only lost one fucken pound though!

Fast start weight: 122
Fast end weight: 121

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am angry. At everything. At everyone and i dont know why.
Ha jokes, i lie. I am angry because i am fat. My jiggly thighs are the reson why i hate it when someone does something out of order or makes a mess. Humans are so fucking retarded.

I need to get that out.

Today my friend made me eat a bowl of nachos with her. Atleast i only had half. Actully less because she ate most of it. Then i just got home and... well...

Emily i told you not to eat those fucken cookies. Feel that? thats right. Those cookies didnt fill that empty hole as you had hoped it would. All you did was make your thighs jiggle even more. You wont even be able to fit into a bikni soon. You will be far too fat to even go outside. Failure. Failure. Failure.

It was about 6 cookies by the way. gfuyfr76orttg7t5dueff. grrr

My friend A put on a pair of shorts today and said "look these arent tight on me anymore! I know i still have bludge here (points to love handles) but two weeks these were soooo tight. Ive lost weight! I suppose that what i get for not eating for two weeks. hahahaha. Its really bad, but oh well it works. I need to lose so much weight!"

I wanted to hit her. So badly. Stupid girl.

Insted I said "hmmm that is really bad. Its not good for you"

I didnt know what else to say. I know what i wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that she needs to stop starving herself as its so bad for you and the pain i wake up with everymorning, well i wouldnt wish this on anyone. I cant look at myself without hating myself. The reason i dont like getting personal with other people, why i dont like them hugging/touching me is because i hate the feel of my body. Soft and lumpy. I swear at the moment im almost crying everyday because i cant take much more. I just want to starve but people push and push and push for me to eat.

I wanted to tell her that this isnt a joke and it isnt fun. At all.

I'll gym tomorrow morning and thrn have a dance class at night. I dont really plan on eating much. I dont see the point anymore.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I am terrified for tomorrow

I just remembered...

I was going to weigh myself today. But i forgot.
Stupid stupid me. I will die if the scale says im over 124. I dont know what i would do. It would kill me. I am aiming for 118 by the end of the next week.

December 8th. I have my schools leavers dinner. This will be the last time i will see alot of those people. They must remember me as the cute skinny girl. I have till then to get to 110. I will do it. I will look amazing.

On the good side, i'm starting to see my collar bones clearly again :)
But now i need ribs, hips and arm bones to become visable and for there to be a gap between my thighs.

Its starting to get super hot again which = bikinis!
I promise i wont wear one till im 118. I promise i wont.

Off to read wasted now.
Have a lovely night all.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Parents. Need. To. Fuck. Off.

I hate my fucken parents. The sooner I move out the better. Honstely they just need to get off my case. I can't stand how messy, unorganized and fat they are. Why would you put uncovered raw steak in the fridge next to my vegitables? God it's not that hard to get some common sence, to realise how filthy that is and cover it. Maybe they should do that next time insted of yelling at me when I suggest they do it and have to do it myself. 
I would love it if they understood that there is actully an order to stacking and washing dishes. Glasses should always be washed first. Argh some people are just totaly brainless. An unorganized kitchen makes me want to cry. 
And no I did not just slam my door on you. It was the wind as all my windows are open. And yes you should belive me as I was on my bed when it slamed which is in the otherside of my room. 

Sorry. Needed to vent. I actully wrote alot more but deleted it as I thought it would bore you to death. 

I'm so exhausted. I did an hour and a half at the gym and it was one of the hardest workouts I've done in a while. It felt so good. I haven't sweated so much in a long time. I have a dance class soon so more exercise yay :)

Eating wise, today has been alright. I was so tempted to buy heaps of food when I was out but I didn't. I walked past thinking 'no Emily, you don't need it. It's evil and if you have it you'll just have to purge it all but you will still get fat'. I've done around 450 cal today. I'm very happy with that. Tomorrow is fast day. I haven't fasted in along time so I'm not sure how long I'll last. 

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Saturday, October 23, 2010


New start, new blog, new me.

Im finally starting to control evrything around me (not really food though)and i decided its time for a fresh start.

Ive got a new job at a cinema/theatre which is close to my home. I think it will be good for me. My old place was just doing my head in. It was so unorganized and messy. It was kinda like the buget theatre in my town. I start at my new place on Friday. Once my school ends (totaly finished on 26th November) i'll be working there full time as a duty daytime manager. Wooo not bad for someone whos just leaving school! My bestie also got a job but different shifts to me, but it will be good to have someone else there :)

12 days till the last day of school. Yeah im kinda scared. Ive been looking forward to that day for the whole year, but now its almost here im kinda freaking out. School is also so sucrue and structed. Its always there to fall back on. But soon evreything will be up to me. My future, my dancing, paying for everything. Rent, food, dancing lessons, dance gear, dance trips, my own trips, everything. Ive wanted this for so long, but now i am terrified. As much as i hate it, i honstely do love school.

Food wise has been average as. I didnt eat any fast food for a month and then i had McDonalds (eww i know). I actully felt sick and gross after. I was so happy. I defently wont be eating anyfast food for a long time again.

My first exam is in under a month away (19th November). But i have three art design boards to hand in on the 5th november. I have one done so far. I am fucked. I should be doing it right now... oops.

Otherwise, nothing is happening in my life right now. Its all study. school work, work and dancing. I havent been going to the gym as much as i should but im trying to go everyday this coming week. I had a dancing competition yesterday. I do highland and national dancing for those of you who dont know. I did the best ive ever done. I won three trophies, three sashes, over $100 prize money, five 1st's, two 2nds, one 3rd and my age group :). But i came home and died. The night before i went to bed at 1, night before that 4.30am and night before that 2.30.
Feeling better now though :)

What do you all think of the new blog layout. Not to sure if i like it yet. Just trying out something different. It neeeded a change.

Love you all skinneys


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Bullshit. Ends. Now.

I. Must. Not. Eat.
This week has been a bit of a failure. I'm totaly screwing myself up.

Next week, is the start of something new.
Monday- weigh myself in morning. 400 cal. Gym morning, dance class night.
Tuesday - fasting. Gym in morning and dance class at night.
Wednesday - fasting. Gym in morning and dance class at night.
Thursday - 400 cal. Gym in morning and dance class at night.
Friday - 350 cal. Gym in morning and dance class at night.
Saturday - 600 cal. 2 ballet classes
Sunday - 500 cal. Gym at some point (big workout)

That's my plan.
It. Will. Work. Period.
Food allowed: rice crackers/waffer, crumpets with golden syrup, tomato, cucmber, little bit of chesse, vegtables, fruit, cashew nuts, sf redbull, water, green tea, 45 cal hot choc, black coffee, orange juice (my guilty pleasure)

That's it.
I've had enough.

I will be thin. You just watch me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Yesterday was a bit of a flop to be honest. I ate half a bowl of noodles before work and then had a vegie buger when I got home. I didn't do any exercise either. I needed a days rest as I pulled a calf muscle on Monday and I have a dancing competition next weekend so I didn't want to injure myself any futhur. 

Today's been alright. I noticed today that I'm starting to get back into my old mindframe of hating all food. I didn't eat anything till I got home from school. I had around 8 rice crakers with BBQ flavour on it and 6 water crakers with a tiny slice of cheese on each and I'm full. And I feel fat. Urgh. I don't I've time for exercise tonight as I've got I've got work and then school work to do when I get home at 11pm. I wish so badly that school was over and all I had to do was exercise and work. 

Tomorrow morning I'm going to pilaties and after school I've got an hour dance class. So exercise wise, I'll be fine for tomorrow. 

Life at the moment is just lonely. I dunno, I just feel really lonely. 3 of my friends in my group just got new boyfriends so all the attention goes to me. The 'pretty popular' one who never ever has a boy. Questions are getting asked. People keep nagging me, including my mum, about why I don't have a boyfriend. 

My answer: 1) it's not any of your fucken busness so stay the fuck out
2) yes I would love to have a realtionship. If course I would. I've wanted one for such a long time but I always get rejected. 
3) no I don't want your help in setting me up with the next random guy that walks into the room. Belive it or not but I actully have standards. I'm not fussy but I guy who is decent and nice (haha good luck finding that)
4) i have always got rejected. Guys just don't like me. I'm to fat for them. I can actully think on my own. Being rejected actully can mess with your confidence. No one would belive me on that. 

I'm just alone. I've always been alone. I always will be. 

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sick sick mind

Today was the one of the best I've had in a while. My friend just got back from the Amazon and she brought my group these jafa cakes (chocolate on outside, biscut then caramal in middle) so I had to eat it. It was rather small so I'm guessing around 200 cal? 
I'm doing no junk food with my bestie so we decided we could start after the jafa cake. 

I went to the gym thus morning. Burned around 400 cal. Then I had an hour dance class this evening (-300?) so I don't feel too guilty about the cake. After school I has three rice crackers with cheese and tomato = 150 cal. So overall not a bad day. 
Today was the first day of my last ever term at school. Thank fucking god. There's some people at my school that I never ever want to see again or just give them a slap in the face and tell them to wake up. Grrrr 6 weeks and I'm done. 6 weeks till I can have a life again. 6 weeks till I want to weigh 50kgs. That's around a kg a week. I'll be able to do it. I will do it. I think I'll be happy with that number. By the end of these 6 weeks I hope to have saved up enough for my flights to NYC in march. Anyone know of any good hostels/hotels in NYC? 

I'm talking to my bestie now. Her mum is being a total bitch. For the last few months she's been telling my bestie how fat she is, how much weight she needs to lose, rubbing in how much weight she's lost etc. My bestie isn't fat. Even with my distorted view on body image, I know she is just above a normal weight. My sister is fatter than her. Hahah I nearly made her cry today cause I called her a fat cow. Man I'm a bitch. I can't help it, there's 3 things I hate in life - slow drivers, young children and fat people. I'm so horrible sometimes, but I can't help it. Anyway back to my bestie, she really wants to lose weight and prove her mum wrong. My sick mind wants to pull her into this so I can have a real life buddy, someone to compete with. I know that's complety wrong as I honstly wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. I can't help thinking about it though, even though I know it's wrong. I only want to do it for my own personal gain. 

I'll gym tomorrow morning but maybe just weights as I pulled a muscle this morning. I have work straight after school so I might try and go home during my study to do some dance practice. I'll see how busy I get. Plus I don't want to injure myself anymore as I have a dance compition next weekend. 

Hope you all had skinny days. :)

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Born for this

I'm not eating.
Simple and easy. 
 I'm far too fat and I can't go back to school looking like this. So starting now I won't eat. I'll try make it last till Friday. I can go two days without food.  If you girls can then so can I. I'll just survive on diet coke and trim hot chocolates at work. Summer is almost here. I put on my bikni yesterday and sunbathed on my deck and holy fuck. My thighs look like baby whales. It's gross. I have one month to get them looking amazing. 

I was in town today just before my ballet class and I saw a girl who was defently ana. She looked amazing, her bones were so beautiful. I want that so badley but lately ice had just no self control. Not just with eating, with me whole life. I need to get back into having a routine.

It's under two months now till I finish school! Woooo I'm so fricken happy. God I hate hate hate it so much. 

Stay Strong, Stay Thin. 


Sunday, October 3, 2010

I'm back. I have been neglecting this for far to long. Im fat fat fat. Again. 'sigh'.

I'm starting the skinny girl diet tomorrow and I will fucken stick to it. If I do well the next three days then I'll get a spray tan :)

I have a long way to go, so I'm starting now.

400 cal tomorrow.

Bring it on.