About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Intake today:
small bowl of pasta - 240
bread - 70
cherrios - 160
total - 470.

2 hours dance practice

Not bad. Considering in surrounded by chocolate all day. So far I've eaten about $60. So gross. Stupid chocolate fundrasing. I nearly caved though. But I didn't. Today is a fresh start. But I'm sick. Fucken colds. This is not what I need.

I can't be fat anymore. 5 weeks untill my ball. 5 weeks to drop 20 pounds. I can do this.


Monday, May 24, 2010


1 hour gym
3 hours dance
1 sandwich with tomato, cheese, lettuce and cucumber
2 manderins
1 bar of chocolate
1 slice chocolate cake

wtf. Fatty much?
Tomorrow will be a liquid fast. I need to feel empty again. Water, coke zero and coffee only.

Super pissed at my parents. My Photoshop stopes working like 2 weeks ago and they were meant to fix it. But they didn't. And I have a massive design assignment due this friday, but I haven't started. Fml. My parents tryed to get it working but it wouldn't. Fuck. They should have sorted it out as soon as it fucked up. which means I'm most likely to fail. Thanks parents so much. I really can't depend on people anymore. Grrr why do I have to everything myself! Maybe I'm just a minor control freak or maybe everyone is screwed in the head. I just want to be finished with school and get out of New Zealand. It's cramping my style. I want to move to to the USA. Re-invent myself. Breathe a new kind if air.

Yeah I'm ranting, I'm just to to tired to function right.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Sunday, May 23, 2010


My weekend was average. Everything thing is average and below average. Life u
is average.

Before I started my fast I weighed in at the highest I've ever been, 124. Fuck. I don't know how I let myself do that. It's gross. Just plain gross. The fast was amazing! Proves to myself that I can go a long time without food. I don't need it. But I'm an idiot and I binged after my fast. I had I crossant, 2 falafel bugers, ice cream and chocolate cake. I ate until I was feeling sick. I wanted to throw up, but I didn't. I should have. I have love handles! I have a round stomach! I have fat! I though u had got rid of this stuff like 4 months ago. Well... It's back. Argh. Tomorrow I have an hour at the gym and 3 hours dancing. I will eat two oranges and a bowl of cerial (170 cal). I won't stop till I can see my bones again.

Otherwise the rest of my weekend was alright. I stayed at my friends house and a group of us just hung out and went on omegal all night. Holly shit, omegal is insanely addictive and so much fun. I wish I had a web cam at my house. I would be on omegal everynight. Saturday day I went shopping. I was planning on getting my whole winter wardrobe but I was so down because I couldn't stop thinking 'i'm fat I don't deserve clothes'. I ened up getting a skirt, ugg boots and then a manicure. :) I love winter!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

40 hour fast!

I'm at home right now. I should be at school but I told my mum that I was suck and I needed a day to sleep. It's a sort of lie. I also just didn't want to go to school. I hate it. But it felt good to sleep. I should be doing my art design assignment, but insted I'm watching the hills. Fantastic thinspo! But argh I'm so behind on all my school work, it's kinda insane how much I have to do. But I'm not going out this weekend, I'm just staying in and doing all my work. Mainly because there's a party in which like half my year got invited to, but I didn't. Whatever Ive hardley ever talked to the girl who us throwing the party and none of my real close friends are going either. Also because I'm doing a 40 hour fast! It's called the 40 hour famanie and you go without something (usually food) for 40 hours. You get people to sponser you and that money goes to the poor and needey children in Africa. Although the fact that I can not eat for 40 hours and not have anyone bug me about it is the main reason why I'm doing it. This week I've just been eating carbs after carbs. And because I was kinda sick I didn't go to the gym much :( so next week my plan is to gym everyday, dancing practice everyday and hardly any carbs. I have 5 weeks now till my school ball and I haven't lost any weight! Grrrr I will weight myself tonight before I start my fast.

I'm gonna try blog more and better next week. Hope all is well with eveyone!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010


God I hate my life.
I hate boys. I hate boys who think they are wayyy to good for you. Just a note: NO YOU ARNT. I'm pretty sure I'm the one that's hotter than you.
I hate embrassing myself. I hate doing it in front of the boy I liked.
I hate losing control whilst drinking. I made out with my gay guy friend. Awarkard.
I hate having no control over what I spend my money on. At this rate I'll never save anything.
I hate spending money on food. Food... Enough said.
I hate food. It makes me fat.
I hate my fat.

I've put on 6kg since feburay. Fuck. How? I lost control. But that changes. Right now. It all changes.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Help! 11 week diet

I'm thinking about doing an 11 week diet That i found on PT insted of skinny girl diet. Whata you guys think???
These are the rules
Updates: We've decided on 0-4-6-8-6-4-2 starting Sunday with a fast. Restricted foods include:
-ALL fast food
-ALL italian food and ALL chinese food
-most carbs
- fried food (as much as possible)
- chips of any kind
- any sodas besides diet
- french fries
- pop tarts

Punishments for going over are running a mile and a minute in a cold shower for ever 100 you go over.

Weigh ins once a week, on Sunday morning. Everyone participating must check in once a day unless they have a valid excuse. Post everything you consumed and the total calories as well as how much you exercised/how you feel/whatever else you want to share.

Here's the link. 

yes? No? Ever done anything like this??


I'm feeling better today. I feel like I'm getting the old non eating me back. It feels good.
Tomorrow is mothers day, but i'm busy all day so I took my mum out this morning. She's never been been to starbucks before so we went there for coffee. I had a rasberry and white chocolate muffin and a grande ice tea passion flavour. It was so good and filled me up so well. Then I took to get a manicure as she loves them. I love my mum. I really do. She's the reason why I eat alot of the times as she's hates seeing me not eat. It hurts me to hurt her.

I just had a coffee (2 sugars) and 2 small cookies. That's all. No more food. At work tonight I'll most probely have some coffees as I am the barrista. It just keeps me going through the night. No time for gym or dancing today :( i'm gonna try to fit in some sit ups tonight. Gotta get my flat stomach back. It hurts not having it. I just want to slice off all my fat.

121.6 oh well that's Iike two pounds. By Friday I want to be down to 115. Because on Saturday we have our after show party for my schools musical, fiddler on the roof. I want to look amazing and I plan on getting wasted! I know I won't be able to get down to what I really wish I was (100) but as long as it's not higher than 115 I'll be happy.

My school ball is seven weeks away so that means I have seven weeks to get down to 100. I so can do that. I have to. I will be the thinst most fabulous looking person there. I have to. I will be.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.



I'm really sad to say that one of my favourite bloggers has left and I feel really bad that I didn't even realise. Paige, I hope you continue to be the strong and amazing person you are.

I fucken hate periods. I broke my fast with MacDonalds. Eww so gross. I don't even want to tell you how many caliories it was. After I finished I felt so sick. I can't belived i failed again. Looking back on my old posts it looks like all I ever do at the momoent us fail. But tomorrow is new. I need to be thin. I hate myself right now. So so so much. It kills me to look at myself.

"Today was a failure, but whose to say tomorrow may not be the best day of my life? I just need to pick myself up and get going"

arghhhhh insanely bad cramps. I'm just craving food, but NO WAY!!! It won't happen.

Night all. Dream of thin.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Parents are to blame.

My parents made me eat half a bowl of pasta for dinner. I can usually get away with not eating but not tonight. Oh well I only ate half. Gonna fast tomorrow. Tbh I'm feeling like a fat tub of lard right now. Once again I did no school work or learning my dancing theory. I just sat down, watched a movie and thought about how I hate my love handles. Tomorrow will be more productive. I won't eat :)

Minor sucess though, after school at school show rehersal I didn't eat any of the food they gave us and I had a hard core dancing lesson!


Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Didnt end up going to Pilaties this morning :( I was so insanely tired, but now i just feel real yuck.

So far today ive eaten:
1/2 a muffin
one brownie
One sandwich with colsaw in it.

Thats enough for today. Fasting from now until this time tomorrow cause i know i will be forced to eat dinner. Im ment to be in class right now but im bunking. Woah badass. Fuck it. I just dont care anymore.

Dancing lesson tonight and then gym tomorrow morning. Will weigh myself at the gym.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.



So i just checked my bank accounts...
Turns out I've spent over $250 on food in the last month. I nearly cryed. I need to save that money!!!! No wonder I'm fat.

Also i didn't completely fast today...
I ate a caramel slice and some mango at work. I'm blaming it on my period and the fact that work was extremely busy and that i haven't even tryed to fast in so long. So I'm kinda happy.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring. I'm doing Pilate's tomorrow morning and then a dancing lesson at night.

School was insanely lame today. I only had three classes but all i wanted to do was go to the gym and just run.

So So So hoping Ive lost even .1 pound by the time i weigh myself tomorrow morning.
Ive put on 10 pounds since school has gone back.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Welcome to another day in paradise.

As soon as I'm down to 105 I'm going on a massive shopping spree. It better come soon. I need some clothes. Urgently. My love handles are back :( this always means I've put in weight, alot of weight... Damn. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning. I am teriffied. I don't want it to be over 120, but it most probley will be. Fuck i hate my life. I actully can't wait till I finish school in 6 months. I'm so over it already. LET ME BE FREE!!!! I need to escape. I need to get out. I want to go travelling, go wild and just be on my own. 7 months till I'm 18, till new years, till NEW YORK! Fuck yes. I need a change.

Mothers day on Sunday although my mum is being a total bitch to me at the moment. Whatevs. I'm taking her out for breakfast on Saturday and then to get a mani pedi or something along those lines. I told her today that she has to keep Saturday morning free and she didn't seem to happy. I told her I'm giving her a mum morning. She was like "why?". Fine then I won't do anything for you. I won't eat for you. I'm taking her out for breakfast for fucks sake. I'm going to actully have to eat. I'm going to eat scrambled eggs with an orange juice. That's all for that day.

Great. Stupid cramps. Stupid period. Today is going to be great. I'm not going to eat.

so I just weighed myself.
56kg - 123.4 pounds!!!!
Holy fuck. No way can I eat today. I have class photos at school today as well! Fml. Now everyones gonna remember me as the frumpy fat chick. Fuck.

Spin spin

I was doing so well untill I got home. My mum made me eat soup and bread. After that, it all went down hill. Fuck. Tomorrow I need to starve, I need to feel pain. I will fast.

My life is all spining spining. I need it to stop, so I can stop the food.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Monday, May 3, 2010

Control is all I want.

I fucked up. Big time. As in a week long binge. I couldn't stop eating. My life was spinning out of control. I figured out that when I eat I lose control of everything, but when I starve, I am pure and in control and everything is mine.

Liquids only (water, diet coke, one protein shake, one fruit smoothie) for two days. Then just restrict for fours days untill Monday, which is when I will start doing the skinny girl diet again.

I want my control back. I want to be thin.