About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

My dad is currently having a work dinner/BBQ thing at my house. I hate having strange people in my house. All I want to do is go to the gym and then sleep. None of this fake smiling "oh I so pleased to meet you" crap. And I'm expected to eat. Lots. FML

Also today my mum said "you don't eat alot, do you".
No shit. I hadn't even realised.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

My weight is not changing. It just won't budge. Next week though I can actually stop eating and have time to do 2 hours of exercise everyday.
Goodbye school. I won't fucken miss you.

Ahkay that was a lie. But i'm so glad to be finished and out of there. I have my last ever exam this afternoon. It's history. I have no drive to even go to my exam. It's three papers but I'm going to do one. I've already passed the year and to be honest I would rather concentrate on my dancing competition tomorrow. My life from now untill next July is only going to be work, dancing and getting thin. No other distractions. I have nationals in July and I am dying to do good. I want to win so bad.

I gymed yesterday, and then did a hour and a half dancing lesson so it was good to finally get some exercise done. By the end of next week I should be back to normal.

I'll update next week.
Loves
Emily.
XX

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

New tattoo :D

Two days untill my school life is over!!!
I don't think I can contain myself. I'm so excited!

In other news, I suck. I reckon ive been eating around 800 calories per day, with no exercise. I just feel like I've given up. But I haven't. These exams have sucked the life out of me.
As of tomorrow, one meal per day, no more than 500 cal per day and I must exercise for atleast an hour and a half everyday. One week, just one week of this and I should start feeling better about everything. I would love to be back to the days where I would eat 300 over like three days. God I miss it so much.
Sorry I'm problely dragging you down with me.

In other news, I saw Harry Potter for the 4th time today and my god it's still amazing. I'm getting my first ever tattoo next Friday!!!!! Ahhhhhh I'm super excited for it! It's a Harry Potter one :) the sign of the deathly hallows. Kinda cliche but I'll love it. To me it represents the end of an era. The end of my childhood because to me, Harry Potter was my childhood. Harry Potter is one of the few things in this world that truly makes me feel good about myself. The deathly hallows to me stand for the quest for something bigger and better than humans, for power. That is what I want. To always keep searching for something that is bigger and better than what I have, because we can all be better.

Meh, I'm super tired. Can't think of much else to say except that i am finally going to the gym tomorrow!!! Excited to have a sweat shesh. Haha

love you all.
Emily.
XX

Monday, November 22, 2010

I love you girlys.

I am never eating again in my life. 

I can just feel my life crashing down around me. I'm in my final year doing my final exams but I honstly don't give a shit about them. I can't bring my self to study. All I do is sit on tumblr looking up thinspo and Harry Potter stuff. It's like I don't even care about my school marks anymore. Which is true. I don't anymore. I can't wait to be finally finished school. I can get away from all the stupid and annoying people at school and finally start living my own life, how I want to do it. I'm gonna work my butt off and get super rich and super thin. I'm getting a tattoo in celebration of finishing school, next week Friday. I'm so damn excited I can't wait. 

Saturday night was horrible. I had work which was the only good thing about my night. After work I went to my bff house and her brother, his gf and another friend were there and they were super drunk. Like off their faces. So of course I sculled as much wine as I could in about ten minutes to catch up with them. Bad idea. My bff had a massive chat with me about how I accidently told her I was bulimic when I was drunk once. She then told me another friend had seen all my thinspo photos and thinspo quotes on my iPod. This is why I don't let people go through my iPod!!! I don't know how she managed to get hold of it for long enough to see everything. Anyway my
Bff had a massive vomiting session and went to bed. So then her brother gf and myself had a massive d&m (deep&meaningful). She kept telling me how talented and wonderful and beautiful I am and how it kills her when I say I hate myself and that I'm fat. What the fuck don't you people get?? I am fat and I seem to be fucken useless at everything I do. My bff just texted me saying 'hey hun how you feeling? Gd luck for ur exam tomorrow. We need to have a chat sometime soon about you know what. Love you' 
Well guess what? We are never ever going to have the chat where I admit to having a problem. It's never gonna happen. I need it too much. I'm lost without it. I would rather kill myself than have to talk about it. 

I had so much it say, but I just can't write any of it down. I just seem to block out all my feelings and nit let anyone in. It's the only way I can deal. 

I'm liquid fasting. I've eaten farr to much the past two days. I'm not even going to weigh myself. I will liquid fast till Thursday morning. 

I plan on sitting in starbucks for 4 hours and studying for my drama exam tomorrow morning. My exam starts at 2pm. 

I love you all. Reading your blogs gives me so much hope and happiness. I would be dead without you girlys. 

Emily. 
xx 
 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

short but sweet

Emma Watson is effing amazing.
Shes the same height as me and is my first goal weight 110.
Damn her and her amazingness. Although I'm not to sure if I'm keen on her new hair cut... I liked it long. Emma Watson pics coming tomorrow :)
I love harry potter by the way. DIE HARD POTTER-HEAD. At my new job (movie cinema) I'm organizing the midnight screening. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M SO EXCITED.

I had a family dinner tonight, which none had told me about, so i ate around an extra 200 - 300 cal. I'm alright with that, I'm feeling emptier even though i never managed to get in any exercise. Ill weigh myself tomorrow and I'll go to the gym :) and have a dance class :D

Yeah short post, I'm super tired.

Night y'all
Emily.
xx

Saturday, November 13, 2010

119

Ahhh I had been negeletcting this blog far too much. It makes me sad.
I'm currently trying to cram and cram for my english exam on Friday. I'm so screwed. I need to study so much but it's just not staying in my brain.

When i weighed myself yesterday I was 119. I'm so happy to be out of the 20s!!!
I'm not going to weigh myself today. I might tomorrow. I'm always terrifed of stepping on the scale because the numbers ate always wayy to high for my liking.

I haven't reallly done much exercise lately. Stupid study taking up all my time
Tonight though I'm going to go for a run, something I haven't done in about 6 months. If I get alot of study done today i'm going to go see ghost writter with my bestie at our new work. Ahhh I love it so much there. We get free movie tickets and half price food and drinks. So I'll get a diet coke and small pack of m&m's. I'll try and have just that today.

Two weeks, once my exams are over, I'm all yours! I can starve and exercise to my hearts content :)

love you all
Emily
xx

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

binge fuck ups

Back to blogging :) I had an insane last week trying to get all my art done. It was so hetic.

Yesterday morning i weighed myself and i was

119

I had finally gotten out of the 20's! But i fucked it up. I felt like such a disappointment.

I had around 8 water crackers with a tiny slice of cheese and tomato on top. Not many calories but it fulled me up. So then i went to work and i just started thinking about food. I couldn't stop thinking about eating a whole pizza, some kfc, pasta, a Burger, a milkshake, chocolate, falafel wraps, hot chips. Just everything. Eating it all and then throwing it all up.
So i finished work and was on my way to the gym, but instead i drove straight to KFC. I orded small fries, small potato and gravy, small coleslaw and two bread rolls. I drove to an empty car park and just sat in my car, stuffing my face. Then i attempted to throw it all up into a plastic bag, but i only managed to get like half of it up. I cryed so hard because i couldn't get it all up. Other cars started coming into the car park so i thought i better go to the gym.

I did an hour at the gym. Felt better about myself. Went home. Ate a mini chocolate bar and bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce. Felt terrible so i watched 'A view from the top' instead of studying.

I worke up this morning and weighed myself

120

Fuckkk.

Today i have had a bowl of pasta (300 cal), a trim mocha and a ice block (190 cal). I might have another trim mocha tonight but we'll see. I'm going to do a kickboxing class at my gym in an hour. I NEED to be 119 tomorrow.

I made a tumblr the otherday. I'll put my link up later.
Any of you girls have tumblr? I would love to follow you all :)

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

almost done :)

Just taking a short break from my art - FUCK YES I AM ALMOST DONE - having a mental block.

Today was a fail.
Half a curry, rice and nann bread for lunch
Bowl of pasta for dinner.

I feel so bloated and full. It's making me feel sick.
I cant purge as my parents are home. Grrrrrrrrrr. I need to get it all out now!

Tomorrow is my last ever full day at school. Thursday we have prize giving and then on Friday we only go in for an hour. Where has this year gone??? Ive been looking forward to this day for so long. But now, i am scared. I have major butterfly's and i feel like crying. I don't want to leave. Honestly i don't. School is always there. It's regular, it's a routine. That's something i need in my life. But now? It's all going. I am having a Major freak out.

I plan on fasting tomorrow. I just need to feel empty. Tomorrow night i am going to see inception at my work. ( i just got a new job at a new cinema and we get to see movies for free!) Yeah i know it's old but my cinema has it for two weeks so me and my bestie are going to see it. At my work we also get half price off all food and drinks. That could mean total failure to me. but ill just get a tezza tea (they are sooooo good) which is 128 calories. I'll try my hardest to stick to that.

I gymed today, not much but in my extremely sleep deprived state atleast it's something. I did 20 minutes on the bike and then an hour of yoga. I can start going hard out everyday next week :)

Love you all.

Emily.
XX

Monday, November 1, 2010

update

Real update coming tomorrow. Just an update...

I'm almost finished all of my art. I don't know how many more of these 4.30am's i can take. Tomorrow night, i can sleep :)
I have two full days left of school. Forever. Ive still got exams, but no school... I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Get my drink on is the most likely option. Drown those fucken voices with vodka and cheap wine. Then I'll be able to live.
Totally binged today. But it's alright as I've been eating under 400 the past few days and i can just fast tomorrow. That will work right? It better work.

I need sleep. I cannot write let alone think right.

Life please slow down? Please?

Friday, October 29, 2010

life is going, going, going...

Currently in the middle of a menatl breakdown. I dont know how to describe it.

Fuck everything. I randomly started crying in class yesterday and then yelled at my teacher. Bitch.

I'll be back at the end of the week, once my damn art folio is done. But to be honest, i dont know how im going to last the week.

I just dont know anything anymore....

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Fast yesterday went well. I didnt eat a single thing :) I only lost one fucken pound though!

Fast start weight: 122
Fast end weight: 121

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am angry. At everything. At everyone and i dont know why.
Ha jokes, i lie. I am angry because i am fat. My jiggly thighs are the reson why i hate it when someone does something out of order or makes a mess. Humans are so fucking retarded.

Sorry.
I need to get that out.

Today my friend made me eat a bowl of nachos with her. Atleast i only had half. Actully less because she ate most of it. Then i just got home and... well...

Emily i told you not to eat those fucken cookies. Feel that? thats right. Those cookies didnt fill that empty hole as you had hoped it would. All you did was make your thighs jiggle even more. You wont even be able to fit into a bikni soon. You will be far too fat to even go outside. Failure. Failure. Failure.

It was about 6 cookies by the way. gfuyfr76orttg7t5dueff. grrr

My friend A put on a pair of shorts today and said "look these arent tight on me anymore! I know i still have bludge here (points to love handles) but two weeks these were soooo tight. Ive lost weight! I suppose that what i get for not eating for two weeks. hahahaha. Its really bad, but oh well it works. I need to lose so much weight!"

I wanted to hit her. So badly. Stupid girl.

Insted I said "hmmm that is really bad. Its not good for you"

I didnt know what else to say. I know what i wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that she needs to stop starving herself as its so bad for you and the pain i wake up with everymorning, well i wouldnt wish this on anyone. I cant look at myself without hating myself. The reason i dont like getting personal with other people, why i dont like them hugging/touching me is because i hate the feel of my body. Soft and lumpy. I swear at the moment im almost crying everyday because i cant take much more. I just want to starve but people push and push and push for me to eat.

I wanted to tell her that this isnt a joke and it isnt fun. At all.

I'll gym tomorrow morning and thrn have a dance class at night. I dont really plan on eating much. I dont see the point anymore.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I am terrified for tomorrow

I just remembered...

I was going to weigh myself today. But i forgot.
Stupid stupid me. I will die if the scale says im over 124. I dont know what i would do. It would kill me. I am aiming for 118 by the end of the next week.

December 8th. I have my schools leavers dinner. This will be the last time i will see alot of those people. They must remember me as the cute skinny girl. I have till then to get to 110. I will do it. I will look amazing.

On the good side, i'm starting to see my collar bones clearly again :)
But now i need ribs, hips and arm bones to become visable and for there to be a gap between my thighs.

Its starting to get super hot again which = bikinis!
I promise i wont wear one till im 118. I promise i wont.

Off to read wasted now.
Have a lovely night all.

xx

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Parents. Need. To. Fuck. Off.

I hate my fucken parents. The sooner I move out the better. Honstely they just need to get off my case. I can't stand how messy, unorganized and fat they are. Why would you put uncovered raw steak in the fridge next to my vegitables? God it's not that hard to get some common sence, to realise how filthy that is and cover it. Maybe they should do that next time insted of yelling at me when I suggest they do it and have to do it myself. 
I would love it if they understood that there is actully an order to stacking and washing dishes. Glasses should always be washed first. Argh some people are just totaly brainless. An unorganized kitchen makes me want to cry. 
And no I did not just slam my door on you. It was the wind as all my windows are open. And yes you should belive me as I was on my bed when it slamed which is in the otherside of my room. 

Sorry. Needed to vent. I actully wrote alot more but deleted it as I thought it would bore you to death. 

I'm so exhausted. I did an hour and a half at the gym and it was one of the hardest workouts I've done in a while. It felt so good. I haven't sweated so much in a long time. I have a dance class soon so more exercise yay :)

Eating wise, today has been alright. I was so tempted to buy heaps of food when I was out but I didn't. I walked past thinking 'no Emily, you don't need it. It's evil and if you have it you'll just have to purge it all but you will still get fat'. I've done around 450 cal today. I'm very happy with that. Tomorrow is fast day. I haven't fasted in along time so I'm not sure how long I'll last. 

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily. 
XX

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Freshhh

New start, new blog, new me.

Im finally starting to control evrything around me (not really food though)and i decided its time for a fresh start.

Ive got a new job at a cinema/theatre which is close to my home. I think it will be good for me. My old place was just doing my head in. It was so unorganized and messy. It was kinda like the buget theatre in my town. I start at my new place on Friday. Once my school ends (totaly finished on 26th November) i'll be working there full time as a duty daytime manager. Wooo not bad for someone whos just leaving school! My bestie also got a job but different shifts to me, but it will be good to have someone else there :)

12 days till the last day of school. Yeah im kinda scared. Ive been looking forward to that day for the whole year, but now its almost here im kinda freaking out. School is also so sucrue and structed. Its always there to fall back on. But soon evreything will be up to me. My future, my dancing, paying for everything. Rent, food, dancing lessons, dance gear, dance trips, my own trips, everything. Ive wanted this for so long, but now i am terrified. As much as i hate it, i honstely do love school.

Food wise has been average as. I didnt eat any fast food for a month and then i had McDonalds (eww i know). I actully felt sick and gross after. I was so happy. I defently wont be eating anyfast food for a long time again.

My first exam is in under a month away (19th November). But i have three art design boards to hand in on the 5th november. I have one done so far. I am fucked. I should be doing it right now... oops.

Otherwise, nothing is happening in my life right now. Its all study. school work, work and dancing. I havent been going to the gym as much as i should but im trying to go everyday this coming week. I had a dancing competition yesterday. I do highland and national dancing for those of you who dont know. I did the best ive ever done. I won three trophies, three sashes, over $100 prize money, five 1st's, two 2nds, one 3rd and my age group :). But i came home and died. The night before i went to bed at 1, night before that 4.30am and night before that 2.30.
Feeling better now though :)

What do you all think of the new blog layout. Not to sure if i like it yet. Just trying out something different. It neeeded a change.

Love you all skinneys

Emily
XX

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Bullshit. Ends. Now.

I. Must. Not. Eat.
This week has been a bit of a failure. I'm totaly screwing myself up.

Next week, is the start of something new.
Monday- weigh myself in morning. 400 cal. Gym morning, dance class night.
Tuesday - fasting. Gym in morning and dance class at night.
Wednesday - fasting. Gym in morning and dance class at night.
Thursday - 400 cal. Gym in morning and dance class at night.
Friday - 350 cal. Gym in morning and dance class at night.
Saturday - 600 cal. 2 ballet classes
Sunday - 500 cal. Gym at some point (big workout)

That's my plan.
It. Will. Work. Period.
Food allowed: rice crackers/waffer, crumpets with golden syrup, tomato, cucmber, little bit of chesse, vegtables, fruit, cashew nuts, sf redbull, water, green tea, 45 cal hot choc, black coffee, orange juice (my guilty pleasure)

That's it.
I've had enough.

I will be thin. You just watch me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Alone

Yesterday was a bit of a flop to be honest. I ate half a bowl of noodles before work and then had a vegie buger when I got home. I didn't do any exercise either. I needed a days rest as I pulled a calf muscle on Monday and I have a dancing competition next weekend so I didn't want to injure myself any futhur. 

Today's been alright. I noticed today that I'm starting to get back into my old mindframe of hating all food. I didn't eat anything till I got home from school. I had around 8 rice crakers with BBQ flavour on it and 6 water crakers with a tiny slice of cheese on each and I'm full. And I feel fat. Urgh. I don't I've time for exercise tonight as I've got I've got work and then school work to do when I get home at 11pm. I wish so badly that school was over and all I had to do was exercise and work. 

Tomorrow morning I'm going to pilaties and after school I've got an hour dance class. So exercise wise, I'll be fine for tomorrow. 

Life at the moment is just lonely. I dunno, I just feel really lonely. 3 of my friends in my group just got new boyfriends so all the attention goes to me. The 'pretty popular' one who never ever has a boy. Questions are getting asked. People keep nagging me, including my mum, about why I don't have a boyfriend. 

My answer: 1) it's not any of your fucken busness so stay the fuck out
2) yes I would love to have a realtionship. If course I would. I've wanted one for such a long time but I always get rejected. 
3) no I don't want your help in setting me up with the next random guy that walks into the room. Belive it or not but I actully have standards. I'm not fussy but I guy who is decent and nice (haha good luck finding that)
4) i have always got rejected. Guys just don't like me. I'm to fat for them. I can actully think on my own. Being rejected actully can mess with your confidence. No one would belive me on that. 

I'm just alone. I've always been alone. I always will be. 

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sick sick mind

Today was the one of the best I've had in a while. My friend just got back from the Amazon and she brought my group these jafa cakes (chocolate on outside, biscut then caramal in middle) so I had to eat it. It was rather small so I'm guessing around 200 cal? 
I'm doing no junk food with my bestie so we decided we could start after the jafa cake. 

I went to the gym thus morning. Burned around 400 cal. Then I had an hour dance class this evening (-300?) so I don't feel too guilty about the cake. After school I has three rice crackers with cheese and tomato = 150 cal. So overall not a bad day. 
Today was the first day of my last ever term at school. Thank fucking god. There's some people at my school that I never ever want to see again or just give them a slap in the face and tell them to wake up. Grrrr 6 weeks and I'm done. 6 weeks till I can have a life again. 6 weeks till I want to weigh 50kgs. That's around a kg a week. I'll be able to do it. I will do it. I think I'll be happy with that number. By the end of these 6 weeks I hope to have saved up enough for my flights to NYC in march. Anyone know of any good hostels/hotels in NYC? 

I'm talking to my bestie now. Her mum is being a total bitch. For the last few months she's been telling my bestie how fat she is, how much weight she needs to lose, rubbing in how much weight she's lost etc. My bestie isn't fat. Even with my distorted view on body image, I know she is just above a normal weight. My sister is fatter than her. Hahah I nearly made her cry today cause I called her a fat cow. Man I'm a bitch. I can't help it, there's 3 things I hate in life - slow drivers, young children and fat people. I'm so horrible sometimes, but I can't help it. Anyway back to my bestie, she really wants to lose weight and prove her mum wrong. My sick mind wants to pull her into this so I can have a real life buddy, someone to compete with. I know that's complety wrong as I honstly wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. I can't help thinking about it though, even though I know it's wrong. I only want to do it for my own personal gain. 

I'll gym tomorrow morning but maybe just weights as I pulled a muscle this morning. I have work straight after school so I might try and go home during my study to do some dance practice. I'll see how busy I get. Plus I don't want to injure myself anymore as I have a dance compition next weekend. 

Hope you all had skinny days. :)

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily. 
XX

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Born for this

I'm not eating.
Simple and easy. 
 I'm far too fat and I can't go back to school looking like this. So starting now I won't eat. I'll try make it last till Friday. I can go two days without food.  If you girls can then so can I. I'll just survive on diet coke and trim hot chocolates at work. Summer is almost here. I put on my bikni yesterday and sunbathed on my deck and holy fuck. My thighs look like baby whales. It's gross. I have one month to get them looking amazing. 

I was in town today just before my ballet class and I saw a girl who was defently ana. She looked amazing, her bones were so beautiful. I want that so badley but lately ice had just no self control. Not just with eating, with me whole life. I need to get back into having a routine.

It's under two months now till I finish school! Woooo I'm so fricken happy. God I hate hate hate it so much. 

Stay Strong, Stay Thin. 

XX  

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I'm back. I have been neglecting this for far to long. Im fat fat fat. Again. 'sigh'.

I'm starting the skinny girl diet tomorrow and I will fucken stick to it. If I do well the next three days then I'll get a spray tan :)

I have a long way to go, so I'm starting now.

400 cal tomorrow.

Bring it on.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I have been neglecting this for far to long.
I read all your blogs yet I just don't post. I can be bothered.
However there is an update post coming tomorrow.

Ps. I'm also down a few pounds :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Just ate 300 cal of nachos.

Liquid diet for the next three and a half days.
Rules:
- No soda except for diet
- Max 3 glasses of jucie
- 2L of water
- Max 500 cal
- soup counts as liquid.

We dont need to eat. Food is unthinkable.

Admit it.

So I've had to put the ABC diet on hold this weekend. I was forced to eat far too much. I was going to restart on Monday but I have an insanely busy week, so I think I'll just restrict. But the week after that, I'll do it again ad it's the start of my two week holidays. It's so much easier to not eat during holidays. I can chose to not be surrounded by food, I can go to the gym anytime, I can make solid lies about having already eaten and I can sleep for half the time. 

In other news, I'm going to see paramore!!! Frick I'm excited! My favourite band in the world ever since misery business. I'm getting my tickets on Tuesday :) it's gonna make my holidays amazing! 

On PT I saw a post called 'admit something'. Reading through all 47 pages made me realise that we are going through so much of the sane things. So I though I would admit somethings to you guys:

- I hate feelings. I can't stand people getting to close to me. Hugs make me feel uncomfortable. I feel I don't deserve to feel

- I afraid to get intimate with people I love and care about as I am scared they will judge and stop liking me. I've kissed 11 guys, all whilst I was drunk and I hardly knew any of them. I've only had sex with two guys. Both times I was drunk. The first time was with a guy I knew for 20 minutes beforehand. All I know about him was that his name was dan and he was from Brazil. The second guy goes to my school but I had never spoken to him before. We did  it at my friends 18th behind a shed. I only do this as it makes me feel cared about and special for a moment. 

- I steal things. I've stolen around $400 from my work, $200 from a friend when I was 11. From the age of 12-16 almost all my clothing and make up was stolen. I never get caught.  But I quit doing it cause I was scared that one day I would have taken a massive load and would have gotten caught. 

- I'm an amazing liar. It's one of my special talents. I lie all the time without thinking about it. I'm fricken pro. I can hold a straight face for ages. 

- I'm going through a reckless stage in my life. I wanna go out party, get wasted, try diffent drugs (I really want to do coke and E), fuck random guys, steal stuff, spend all my money on food. Basically anything my parents wouldn't want me to do. 

- I'm super vain. Even though I think I'm fat I look at girls and think 'i'm thinner than her. Eww she's a fat cow.  I'm wayy hotter than her.' etc. I think I'm really pretty and out of so many guys leauges. But I never ever leave the house without make up. Even to the gym. I expect everyone around me to think I'm the hottest girl in the school, even though I hate the sight of myself.

- I love to drive fast. Whenever I'm angry or upset I go for a drive. Which is not the best idea. Slow drivers kill me and I yell abuse at them from my car. Somepeople really need to learn how to drive. 

- there's one girl in my group and 3 of us just can't stand her. I punch her zall the time. Everyone thinks I do it because it's funny and I love to punch people, which is true. But I do it because  I want to knock some common sence into her and I live hurting her. 

So now you know the real me. No one in my real life knows half that stuff.

Good news - I stoped purging. I just can't do it. After my best friend told my mum I was and my mum laughed in my face, I just stopped. But I've pulled in the pounds this weekend. I sweat my mum was trying to force feed me.

Other news - exams are over!!! And u failed every single one. All good though, it's only mocks and I planned to. I'm planning in trying to fast tomorrow. It's my school fashion show this week and I am one of 5 dancers. Fuck I planned to be so much thinner by now. I hope I can get slimmer in 3 days. Wish me luck!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX
  

Monday, September 13, 2010

How about a quicky ;)

122.3 is my current weight. Fuck. Fat fat fat. Thank god for the ABC diet :)
not to sure what I'm going to eat today. I'm going to work soon and I think i'm meant to be working, cause I wasn't rostered on one of my three managers told me to come in. I'm really hoping that they actully need me and I won't get sent home.

It would ruin my day.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Sunday, September 12, 2010

ABC day 1

I think we all know how bad I am at doing what I plan to do. So I decied I need a kick up the backside to get me into gear. So I'm going to give the ABC diet another try. 

Today is 500 cal. 
So far I've had:
- 3 crumpets with golden syrup: 300 cal
- half a cup of soup: 50 cal
- 2 peices of bread: 100
- maragarine non fat: 6 cal
Total = 456

So not bad for today. That's the least I've eaten in a while :) I have an hour dance class soon. I swear I burn like 500 cal. I sweat so much. Highland dancing (what I do) is so intense. Because the dances are only like 3 minutes each and you rest in between, it's almost like interval training. You get your heart rate up, you bring it down, you get it up etc. 

My eyes are currently dying. I've been looking at a computer all day trying to get my art design done. I'm currently on study leave although I haven't actully done any study yet. I'm working tomorrow, day and night, so I have no time to study for my English exam on Wednesday. Atleast these are only our mock exams. 

Life is boring as due to exams being on and me still sort of being grounded. Atleast I got my car back!!!! Now I can go to the gym again :) but I didn't have time today and I won't have any time tomorrow, so I'll go hard out on Wednesday :)

Nothing exciting is happening atm. I'll weigh myself tomorrow though.

500 cal day tomorrow as well. 

Love you skinnies. 

XX

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I fucked up today. Real bad.

I will not eat tomorrow.
This time I swear on my fucken life.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

It's all in the power of postive thinking

Fucked up again.
I know BIG surprise.

But starting now, for 48 hours i will liquid fast. It will happen this time.

But anyway, I have made up some new rules for my life (cheesy i know). I'm just hoping that they will help me to get back to where i was this time last year. I was at my lowest weight.

I will keep following these for 21 days and i shall see how it goes.
- No eating after 8pm. No exceptions
- 2L of water everyday
- at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday
- Only eat around people
- Eat only if hungry of forced
- Do not spend any money on food when out, that's what your parents are for
- No more purging. My throat is feeling like shit and i dont want to ruin my teeth. It may feel like an easy way out, but you wont get thin doing it. IT WON'T WORK.

81 DAYS TILL SUMMER!

I will be bikini worthy this year. No more trying so hard to lose weight durning summer. The fat will be gone before summer. This time it will work. I have 20 days to get down to 110. I can do it. It's all in the power of postive thinking.
If my posting gets a little non-existiant it's because im doing my mock exams at school at the moment. Im in my final year at school and they are kind of imporant and i need to do good.




Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX
I'm having an insane fat day today.
I was doing well and then I fuck up.
As I always do.
I have no control.
I will fast tomorrow.
I don't care how hard it is.
I will fast. 

Monday, September 6, 2010

quick update.

I just finished a bowl of nachos. For breakfast. Deciding if i should purge. I think i will.

Im late for school again. Oops. What a rebel. Im over it anyway.

Planning to not each more than 200 cal for the rest of the day. I wasnt even hungry,
WHY DID I EAT???

Vodka is a bitch

This weekend was..... Wow. Let's just say I'm grounded and had the worst hangover I've ever had. 

Saturday - I worked all day and had a sandwich and a caramel slice. Whilst getting ready for my friends leaving party i ate around 10 chips and 3 slices of garlic bread. We were all getting ready at my friends house so I showered there. I had a massive urge whilst showering to get all the food out of my stomach. It was almost as if i didn't yet it out it would rot and my stomach and kill me. It made me look so fat. So I vomited in her shower. I got almost all the food i had eaten that day out. I could even see the veggies from my sandwich come up. But her shower drain blocked and I couldn't get it all down. So I had to scope most of it out and finally the drain started working again. But if her shower clogs anytime soon, it's totaly my fault!
Then we had like 5 minutes to drink our vodka before we left. Everyone had 2 shots but I had 5. Then I had a vodka and sprite. On the way to the party I had half a bottle of wine before I dropped it and it smashed. I'm so glad it did though. After that it just got worse. I TOLD MY FRIENDS I WAS BULIMIC. Who the fuck does that? I'm so angry I even let the thought of saying that come to my mind. As you can probley tell, I was so smashed. Later at the party I started throwing up so my friends took me outside. I then proceeded to stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up. My friends tryed to stop me and were horrified but I just told them 'don't worry it's all good. I do this all the time'. 
WTFWTFWTFWTF
I must have been supppppeeerrrrrrrr smashed. So my friend J rang my mum and told her to come pick me up. She apparently then told my mum that I was bulimic! Thankfully my mum hasn't questioned me about it yet. Neither have my friends, but they haven't had a chance to privatly talk to me. 

Sunday - one of the worst days of my life. I was meant to be at work at 7.30am. That was so not happening. I couldn't hold anything down, not even water, it wasn't till around 3pm that I finaly had a glass of coke and it didn't come back up. This was the worst hangover I've ever had. I felt like I couldn't move, talk or breathe. My throat was so sore from throwing up and it still is now. 

Today I wasn't feeling the best so I didn't go to school. My intake today was pretty shit:
- two crumpets with golden syrup 200 cal
- one serving of dorrtios 140 cal
- two sandwichs with cheese, tomato and lettuce ??? Cal's 

Tomorrow will be better. It's my friends 19th so i'm gonna make cupcakes. I'll have to eat one. Then after school I will gym and I have a dance assesment at school which will burn some cal's.

I need to get thin soon. For the rest of the week I will restrict as much as possible and blog every day. Promise.

Love
Emily.
XOXO

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Simply skinny september

So today has been alright. 

Intake:
- 2 veggie tacos = 340 cal
+ i munched on what I'm guessing to be 150 cal, so thats only 90 cal over my limit. But I would have burnt it off with exercise.

Today I did about an hour of dancing for school. I'm one of my school fashion show dancers. Didn't try out as a model this year due to body issues... You all know what I'm talking about.
Plus I went to the gym for an hour. 

Tomorrow is 600 cal. Possibly going to have a crumpet with golden syrup and pasta. Only 400 cal. But i'll still have 200 left if I feel like eating a snack. 

I have a lecture at my citys main uni tomorrow night. It's fir my history class, we are studing Tudors and stewards. It's not that I hate the subject, it's just that I hate my teacher and the way he teaches it. Honstly we have been studing it since feburay and I still have no clue. It's a three lecture, hell one hour is bad enough! 

I fricken tired and can't think of anything else to write. Except that...

Tomorrow is the start of 
"Simply Skinny September"
It's gonna be a great month, I can just feel it! 
But it looks like I didn't reach my first goal :( so i'm just aiming for the second one now. Watch out, i'm going to be thin soon. Summers on it's way and I need to thin. Asap. Please and thank you.

Emily.
XX

Sunday, August 29, 2010

120!!!

I lost 4 pounds :) It was about time i started losing some!

Goddd im so tired so this will on be breif. Im at home at the moment as i have a study period at school. I only got 2 hours sleep last night, maybe less? I had to stay up to finish a seminar for English and yet i still went to the gym this morning. I just did my seminar like an hour ago and i think it went really well! i hope it did, i really need to start getting good grades.

Life feels like it back on track, although i know i wont get to my goal of 115 by the 1st of September. Im okay with that though. Now that ive started losing it only gets easier.

Im only eating 200 cal today, but im going to go over by 40. Its alright though as i have a dance class tonight and burned around 400 at the gym this morning.
So far today i've had:

- 5 crackers = 98 cal

Later i'll have:

- lolliepop = 40 cal
-crumpet with golden syrup = 100 cal

IM FREAKING BUZZING OUT! i need some sleep. But insted i'll just take some more nodoze and drink a diet coke. I had 4 nodoze last night... The recomended amout is 1. Hahah.

Hope you are all having wonderful days :)

Love you all.

Emily.
XX

EDIT:

I just read this and noticed all the spelling and grammar errors. I think it shows how much i need sleep. Im not tired though. Although i knowing im going to crash soon.

So just ignore all errors in this post, or have a laugh. Whatevs.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Let's all forget about yesterday

I didn't feel worthy of talking to you girls. Hence the reason I've been sucking at blogging. But I'm feeling better today. 
Yesterday however was extremley fucked up. Firstly I hadn't lost any weight so I ate breakfast :( then at school I got told I found out I fucked up my singing assesment to much so I didn't pass and that I also failed my two history assignments. Thankfully I can re do my history but I only have a week I have absoultly no time. I was so upset after talking to my history teacher so I went and sat in my car and cryed and cryed and cryed. Then I thought fuck it so I binged on:
- half a subway wrap ( veggie delight )
- one subway cookie
- medium McDonalds chips with sweet and sour sauce
- small veggie pizza from pizza hut

Fatty much?
So of coure I went home and purged. But it was werid this time. It was really hard to get it all up. It seemed to get stuck in my throat and it hurt. It has never been like this. I know I didn't get it all out but I did get most of it. 
I wasn't going to eat for the rest if the night but then my mum made me eat. It ws a choice between sushi or hot chips. I chose sushi but it made me feel sick. But I couldn't purge again. 

I've been exercising pretty well lately. I did a NYC ballet company workout DVD yesterday. I don't have anytime to do any today as I have an insane amount of homework to do plus I have work in an hour. 

So far today i've had:
- two mini baby bagels 160 cal
- one crumpet with golden syrup 100 cal

I'm not planning to eat anything else but I usually cave at work, but tonight I'll try to stay strong. I do feel thinner today but I'll wait till Monday morning to weigh myself. 

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Strech marks???? Gross

I had a massive binge today. GRRRRRR. So over it all.

I will be fasting for two days. I can't handel the fat anymore.

Today at the gym I saw the strech marks on my thighs. Yes, STRECH MARKS. That's what I get for being a fatty.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Mini rant

So once again I'm skipping school. Badass. I went to starbucks and then went for a walk up one of my favourite moutains in Auckland, North Head. It's just amazing up there. I was just chilling but I had had a little rant to myself which I wrote on my notes on my iPod touch.
So this is it:

To eat sushi or to not? No I won't. I will only have a bowl of soup and two peices of bread. Done easy. Do not be weak and cave in. If you get sushi you will get fat as it is all carbs. Carbs are bad. Sushi is over 200 calories but soup is not. You arn't even hungry so I don't why you even want to eat. You need to feel empty again. You need to feel as light as a feather, otherwise you arn't making any progress. If you don't make progress you will just stay a fat fuck for the rest if your life. Save your money anyway. Now that you have to pay for your own gym membership you can't afford to spend money on food. The $20 a week you spend on food is now the $20 a week you will spend on the gym. You need to go to the gym. You are so fat and flubby. What the hell has happened to you? Everything just isn't working anymore. You're skipping school worse than ever, just because you don't want people to see your fatness, because you would rather stay at home looking at thinspo, blogger and PT and because you just can't seem to get any of your school work done. It's terrible. You can hang in there for just 10 more weeks. That's all, then you can have a social life. Not going out will also save you money and you won't have to eat when you are out. 

Hope you are all having wonderful skinny days.

Emily.
XX

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Fresh Start

Life Sucks. It's true. Hence the reason why i haven't been posting, or talking to anyone or texting any of my friends back....
I think they think I'm dead or something. I wish i was. It would be easier than this hell. It just seems like everything lately is failing.

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life. School is just becoming too much but theres nothing i can do about it. I just cant be bothered doing work anymore. 10 weeks. 10 weeks and I'm outta there. I wont miss it one bit. Once again i haven't lost any weight this week. On Friday i had my singing assessment for my musical theatre course at school. I had planned to sing 'A whole new world' from Aladdin and 'Summer nights' from Grease both with my friend Kay.
In 'a whole new world' i missed all my cues, forgot almost the whole song and I'm sure i was singing in the wrong key. It was so embarrassing and horrifying. Then we had to sing 'summer nights'... well i fucked that one up too. Thats all i can do isnt it? Fuck things up.

For the next five weeks im goimg to try as hard as i can possibly try to stick to this diet. This is what Lila T does ( http://gone-perfection.blogspot.com/ ).

Gone 3000
1. 500kcal
2. 300kcal
3. 500kcal
4. 300kcal
5. 500kcal
6. 400kcal
7. 500kcal

246 program
1.200kcal
2.400kcal
3.600kcal
4.200kcal
5.400kcal
6.600kcal
7.200kcal

Fading week
1. 100kcal
2. 200kcal
3. 100kcal
4. 200kcal
5. 100kcal
6. 200kcal
7. 100kcal

Easy 800
everyday 800kcal

Divine Club
1. 300kcal
2. 800kcal
3. 500kcal
4. 200kcal
5. 800kcal
6. 300kcal
7. 500kcal

Intake for today:
- Bowl of pasta with tomato sauce: 300 cal
-Peice of bread: 50 cal
-bowl of Frozen yought: 149

Total: 499 cal.

No exercise for today :( Im a bit sick nut i was playing it up so i wouldnt have to be sick so no way would my mum let me go to the gym or dancing tonight. Ill try get away with some sit ups tonight though. Tomorrow i'll be going to the gym for an hour before school (20 minutes biking, 10 minutes running, 20 minutes weights, 10 minutes streaching) and then i half a half day YAY! i'll finish school at 11am so i'll come home and do an hour dancing. The rest of the day will be made up of school work. In the eveing i'll do a 'Sh bam' class and an hour of yoga. Never sone 'Sh bam' before. im guessing it's kinda like Zumba. Anyone else here go to les mills gyms? Love em so much.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

...

I had around 300 cal this morning. I was happy with that. I wasnt even hungry. Then my mum made me eat a cashew and onion wrap as i used to love them. There is 195 cal in the wrap alone! After i ate it she left. So course i went and purged. I think i got it all up. Im going to the gym soon to do an hour of cardio and then a yoga class. But i might get a frozen yought before hand. Ive benn craving one for ages and i wont feel to bad for eating one.

Today was terrible. Im just so over life. I just want to be done with school and get a real job and live a real life. i was late to coffee with my friend. Then at school i got bombarded with assignments. I realised that i dont have any where near enough time to get all my work done by the end of the year unless i want to pull all nighters every night. which i dont. Then i realised that i actually suck at all my subjects and im currently heading down to path of failure no matter what i do. Overall im just a failure at everything.

So i didnt end up fasting yesterday. At work i ate. around 300 cal? so thats not to bad. I realised that the best way for me to restrict is to not set intakes week by week but rather day by day. I dont know what tomorrow will be but i think i just wont eat until dinner and see... i dunno.

New Goals:

115 by the 31st August - i get a trip away to Wellington (capial of New Zealand)
110 by the 30th September - mani pedi
105 by the 31st october - Hair Cut at Stephen Marr (flash as place)
100 by the 30th November - ?????

This should be kinda easy, i mean ive given myself a lot of time.
I will do it this time and just in time for summer :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

123.8

Fuckkkkkk. 123.8???
Thank god I'm fasting.

I did half an hour of cardio as I didn't have time to do anymore :( I can do heaps tomorrow so it should be fine. I've got work soon. God I hate it there. When school ends I'm outta there and gonna get a full time job. Can't wait!

So far today I've had a coffee with trim milk and a coke zero. I'm feeling kinda fine. I should be able to resist food at work. God I hope I can.
I have some new goals and rules so I'll post them up when I get home from work.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

New rules New me.







I really should be at class. I dont know why im skipping. It's a bad bad habbit.

This is how its gonna go from now:

Mondays - 500
Tuesdays - fast
Wednesday - 300
Thursday - 400
Friday - 300
Saturday - 500
Sunday - 500

-atleast 2L of water everyday
-one hour of cardio everyday
-No ice cream!!!!
-no random chocolate bars!
-must weight myself every second morning. Starting tomorrow. And post it all on here.
-If i go over i MUST purge

For two weeks this will be my life. No going over, no fucking up. I can make it work this time.

Ive had 100 cal already so i have 400 more. Hmm what to eat???? Im so tempted to go out to starbucks and get a coffee and a muffin but i must resist!

Emily if you do you will be a failure for the rest of your life and no one likes a failure.

My weekend was alright. Actually no thats a lie. I ate at work on Saturday night and then about 800 cal on sunday. Last night i watched a documentry called 'the day before'. It was on fashion house proenza schouler and mann it was good thinspo. All the girls were tiny and wonderful. The clothes were amazing too.

I went to the gym before school this morning but only for 45 minutes but i was sweating hard out and so outta breath so thats good.

I supposed i better go back to school and stop looking up thinspo. Thank god i have a car.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX






Thursday, August 12, 2010

Things are looking up, oh finally.

Okay i know i was meant t fats.

Yep whats new Emilys a fucken Failure. That is failure with a capital F.

One thing that actully went right today, I actually did some work for design and i somehow managed to hand it in on time. And it wasnt even that bad.

I ate a small chcolate brownie (150 cal) and a low-fat chocolate milk (150 cal). I couldnt purge it as it was at school and the stupid teacher wouldnt let me go to the bathroom. Oh well.
And i just had a coke zero to stop me from dreaming about the food in my kitchen.

I over slept this morning so no gym :( but i'll do an extra hour tomorrow to make up for it. Im about to go do half an hour of dancing practice and then im off to work. Work = food = fat = me crying vomtiing my face off. Hahahahahah. yeah its not even funny. I know.

I'll post when i get home from work.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

failure is my middle name

Hello my loves.

Today was shit. Im certain that everyday just keeps getting worse. I can only find comfort in my control and knowing that my body is (generally) empty. Except for today...
AND yesterday....

Yesterday wasnt too bad i did an hour of cardio at the gym (-500 cal, i think) and ate around 600 cal. Today... Whoa. Did an hours pilaties in the morning then me and my friend who i did the class with decided not to go to school today because we didnt want to. Really wishing i went now. We went back to her house and watched trashy tv all day and planned our trip away to Wellington (the capital on New Zealand). Did i mention we ate? Alot? Im not even going to count calories cause i know it will just make cry, but heres a list of what i ate.
-Half a small slice of chocolate swirl cake
-4 m&m's
-Tomato sandwich
-just under a pack of crackers
-An apple
-Picklet with golden syrup
-bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce
-2 mini chocolate bars
-8 chocolate chip biscuits

fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.
I am fat. I havent lost any weight. Im still a whopping 124 pounds. Gross someone cut it all off. Now! This afternoon i went for an hours walk and then i had a 2 hour dancing class. So attests i burned some of it off. But about an hour ago i got really bad stomach pains and it was horrible. I know its from eating too much but it still hurts. So tomorrow im going to do something i haven't done in a while. A good old fast. Diet coke will be allowed. It will be hard as im going to the gm before school and then i have work tomorrow night and i'll be working on a conference where we get to eat all the food that's left over. Its hell.

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I've been just really angry at everything and everyone. But mainly me. After dancing tonight i just hopped in my car and went for a dangerous drive and finally stopped and burst into tears. I just felt like everything i had had worked so hard for in my dancing, my school work, my body - its all gone. Im insanely poor as well. My dream trip to NYC, which was meant to happen in January has now been put off till March cause im poor. Fml.Fml.Fml. I cant do anything right in dancing and i suck big time. Im failing school and to be honest i don't give a fuck anymore. I used to be able to see my collar bones. Hellloooooo.......? Where have you gone????? Gone where everything else has gone. Down the toilet.
That reminds me. Ive purged everyday this week except for today. There was no chance to do it. I dont know why i used to have trouble with it. It's so easy. Just shove your fucken fingers down your throat.

From now i am getting thinner. I am losing weight. Dont care about anything else.

God Emily, get your life back on track.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Die.Die.Die that's how I feel

Today.
It was stressful. As usual I left my history assignment to the last two nights. Bad bad idea. I spent the whole day doing it and I didn't even get it finished. I'm such a fucken failure. History used to be my best subject and now I'm failing that too? Great. Life os fucken dandy. I ate around 500 cal today so not to bad. Then I had an hour of hard out dancing. I almost started crying because I haven't been doing much practice lately and I feel like I've lost all the progress I made in the run up to nationals. I actually just wanted to run out of my dance studio, go home and have a big fat cry. I feel like I'm sucking at everything these days. 

Tomorrow I have a dancing competition. It will only be small but that's alright. I hardly eat anything when I'm dancing but I drink lots of sugery drinks and sf redbull. But I probley burn it all off. Then at night my three bff's are coming round to mine and my dad is cooking us dinner. It's going to be a fucken massive Indian fest (my dad likes to cook). Then there will be the snacks and the waffles in the morning. How strong will I be? How much will I fail? And there's no chance of purging either. It's impossible when there are other people in my house. 

God I hate my life. TGIF. 

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My hands smell like vomit. It's gross.
This afternoon I binged on mini doughnuts and 5 mini chocolate bars. Ew gross. I don't know why. I wasn't even hungry and I wasn't even bored. I think it was because I was all alone.
So after my binge I went to the bathroom and purged.

But I'm still a failure. I had one toasted cheese sandwich and 3 cookies. My parents are now home so there is no way I can purge again.
Why can't I just be strong and restrict like I use to?
Tomorrow I'll try.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Teenage dreams.

I haven't gone anywhere...
Although I feel like I have...
I'm floating. And not the empty kind of floating as my parents made me eat dinner with them tonight and my house is wayy to quiet to purge. No I'm mind floating. Maybe it's because of the insane amouts of school work I have to do for the next two nights. Or maybe my minds changing. I dunno. I've just been thinking alot lately. About me, my body, my bones, my money, my life, what I really want.

So what do I really want out of life?

1. Money. I will be a millioaire by the time I am 30.
2. To be perfect. I will have bones, I will be what others girls wish they could have.
3. I want to go and possibly live in NYC. It's been a dream of mine since I was little.
4. I want to be loved. I can't keep having random one night stands, it just tears me apart. I need to know someone loves me, that someone thinks I'm amazing, to be held and cuddled. I want that so much....
But not as much as I want to be perfect.

I just read winter girls. Wow. I don't even know what to think. I had searched so hard for this book. I looked in all my local bookstores and libarys but noone had it. Today at school I was in the libary, trying to pass time when I walked past it. I couldn't belive my eyes. It's deffently fate. It made me feel so bad about not trying hard enough to get out of dinner. It made me realise a few things. This, this desire to be perfect, to float, to be weightless, it's totally mental. As much as people can tell me 'come on one bite won't hurt', yes yes it will. It's all mental. It's not something we can switch off. As much as we try. It's here with us and it's what connects us. It makes us who we are.
I highly recommend winter girls. I know mist of you would have read it by now but if you haven't, do! I don't want to eat ever again.

I think I'm starting to get addicted to coffee. Ive had 6 cups today. It just tastes so good. But I can't drink it black. I have to have non fat milk in it.

I had a massive fight with one of my friends today in front of a whole lot of people at school. I just couldn't take her anymore. She fucken complains and gets stressed out about everything. She always has to have the most troubles, the most problems. All my other friends have been bitching about her behind her back as well, yet I was the only one with enough balls to say (yell actually) to her. An example of what she does: she has two school assignments due this week. As usuall she has only just started as doesn't know what she's meant to be doing. So she expects to be able to copy everyones work and for everyone to just take her moodyness and stress. Also she's always like 'omg I'm do fat, em can you help me lose weight? Argh I hate my thighs I'm so fat etc etc'. So at lunch today she has a pie, yought, chocolate and a full fat red bull. Like how dumb can you get? She's always in a downer mood and what REALLY bugs me is the fact that she will never listen to anyone and she doesn't think anyone has problems in their lifes. Trust me, I almost told her about what I feel like, how I think and she was like 'no you problems don't compare to mine. You just don't understand' like wtf???

Sorry about the rant. I've just had a tough day.

Thank you for all being here when I need you.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Getting back on track

Today's intake:
two veggie tacos - 340 cal

I don't think I'll eat anything for the rest of the night. It was only two tacos but god I feel bloated and fat. Contemplating throwing up but my house is really quite and everyone is home so they would all hear me. I haven't done any exercise yet and I won't have time for much tonight. Tonight I won't do much cardio, just some sit ups, lunges, planks, jumpping rope etc etc.I wish I could go to the gym, I love nothing more than working up a sweat but my gym is closed and I can't run outside cause it's freezing cold and I have circulation problems.

Tomorrow I will go to the gym for an hour before school, eat and then throw up some bagel crisps. Have a bagel with tomato for afternoon tea (350 cal) and then go to an hour of dancing practice.

This is good. I'm feeling better about the amounts I'm eating. By the 1st of August I want to be at 110 pounds. By 1st of September I will be 100 pounds. And I will be happy and I will have lots of money because I'm no longer spending money on food.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Update

So tonight was interesting... 
I made myself throw up for the first time...
It was my friend V's birthday so we all went out to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. It was tepenaki which is where they cook your meal in front of you and make it into a show at the same time. I had planned to just have a salad and some rice but it turns out there was a set meal. As each dish came out I couldn't stop thinking about how fat I was going to get and how many calories everything contained. By dessert (which I didn't eat) I couldn't take it so I went to the bathroom. 
It wasn't hard, it took a few trys but it all came up easy as. I would have kept going but my friend A came into the bathroom so I had to stop. I'm glad I did it though. I'm so fucken obese I'll do anything. I NEED to be thin. If I ever binge again I know what I'm doing.

Sorry I havnt been blogging lately. I've been so busy with school. 13 weeks till I'm done! Forever! Fuck I can't wait. So over high school and it's stupid gossip and bitchyness. 

Anyway update on my life:
Last weekend I went to an 18th birthday party and I got super drunk as I had hardely eaten anything all day (being drunk is the only way to have fun these days). I shared a ciggy with this guy from my school and we ened up fucking in the dirt behind a shed! So much fun... Untill the bouncers found us. Talk about wanting to die of shame. Oh well I'm a teenager, livin wild is what I like to do hahah. But he didn't use a condom even though I had on one me. So I went to go get the morning after pill but my local family planning was closed. So I went and got it the day after. The rest of the week kinda flew past in a blur. I have so many assignments this week so don't worry if i'm not blogging, it's just I will be sucked in to the deep black hole which is school work. But i plan on going wild next weekend. I'm trying to find an I'd so I can go to town!!! Wooohoooo gonna party hard and have random club sex yeahhhhh hahah.

I hope life is treating you all well.

Emily.
XX

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fat fat fat nom nom nom

I am fat. Really fat. I'm so huge I'm too scared to step onto the scales and weigh myself. The reason I haven't been blogging is because ice just being going nom-nom-nom-nom for the past few days. It grosses me out just thinking about it.

So from tomorrow I'm going hardcore.
1 hour gym, 1 hour dancing, no food untill 5pm. Dinner will be 2 tacos (small and vege). And that's it. I'm sick and tired of being a lump of lard. I cryed yesterday after eating some onion rings. I just have no self control and I hate it.

But tomorrow it all changes....

I'll do a longer post tomorrow and I shall update you on my exciting weekend.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Better, but not quite there.

Super tired so just a quick post before I get back to trying to get through my massive pile of homework.
My intake today wasn't too bad.
Half protein cookie - 50 cal
rice waffers with tomato and cheese - 150 cal
3 peices of sushi - 90 cal
small chocolate bar - 120 cal
two cookies - 100 cal
total: 510

well that's not too bad, although I could have done without the cookies and chocolate bar. Plus I had an hour and a half dance class. But I still feel bloated and fat.

Tomorrow night my friend A is having a 'girls movie and Mexican' night. Everyone has to bring some Mexican food. I'm making vege nachos. It's gonna be such a horrible calorie filled night. Gahhh I don't even want to go anymore but it's to late to back out now. So I'm going to not eat anything until tomorrow night and I'll try to not eat much. Saturday I'm going to a party so I might fast all day so that I'll only need a couple of drinks to get drunk.

Something that totaly ruined my day. My mum told me that my stomach is getting flabby again. Wow she loves me. Not.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

McDonalds in EVILLLLL

My water fast today was going do good up until around 3pm. My drama class had a rehersal from 3.30 till 7.30 and most people wanted to go get some food up to mcdonalds. Since i'm one of the few people with a car in my class I offered to drive some people there. When we got there I just stopped thinking. I wasn't even hungry. It was just a moment of weakness and I slipped. One hambuger with no patty, small frys, medium frys, diet coke, two hot fudge sundays later I realised what I had just done.

I cannot belive what I've done. In 15 minutes I ruined it all.

I am such a massive failure. Who the hell does that? I wanted to punch myself, to cry, to cut open my stomach and pull it all out. But I couldn't. Not in front of all my class mates.

Now I just feel sick. Sick because I don't think my body is used to that much fatty food and sick because I don't want to think about it. So. tomorrow I will have a 100 cal protein cookie in the afternoon before dancing practice and then I'll give myself 300 cal for dinner. Also I'm going to go to a pilaties class tomorrow morning. It's a punishment for everything I ate today as it's so cold and horrible in the mornings and I never want to get out of bed.

Well I better go and try and catch up on my massive pile of homework. It's kinda insane how much I've got to do. 15 and a half weeks till i'm finished with school forever :) I didn't get any work done last night, I just stayed up looking at thinspo all night.

Hope your day was better than mine.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Monday, July 19, 2010

I like the way it hurts




These are photos of me at my school ball which was 3 weeks ago. Im the one in the red dress. Ugh i look fat. Gross. I had a mint night though :)

So i ate around 600 cal today. Not bad. Today i was googling different kinds of fasts and diets with my friend. She kinda knows about my troubles with food and i know in the past shes had troubles herself. She was wanting to do the lemon detox diet but i dont think she is. I told her to just do a water fast as if you are commited you can lose quite a few pounds and she was like but dont you get hungry? DUHH thats the point! So tomorrow im gonna water fast. Just a small 24 hour one to get me back into the swing of things. Then 400 - 500 the next day? maybe.

I cant really exercise at the moment :( My shin splints are playing up and i can usually handle them but i face planted down liek 12 stairs last weekend and twisted my ankle so i cant run or dance :( This is meant to be week 2 of my dancing break anyway. But im just going tyo do millions of sit ups insted.

I dont really wanna talk about what happened whilst i didnt blog. Uggg i dont even want to think about it. Ive put on wayy ro much weight as i ate like a normal person and thats all im gonna say. I just want to forget about it and move on.

My life has hit a wall. Its all school work and then work. Ive gota get out. So this weekend im going out, not eating, getting wasted and gonna be reckless. I want to be more fun like i used to be.

Im glad im back though.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Backkkkkkk

Girls I'm back. I'm fat but i'm back!
I have my reasons for having a break. I had my national champs for my dancing last week and as much as it killed me, I knew I had to eat otherwise my body would have just failed. Nut I have been reading all your blogs as it just makes me want to get back to being who I really am just so much more. Every piece of food I put into ny mouth makes me cringe and fir some reason I've started counting calories again, yay.

Longer post coming tomorrow, including pictures of me at my school ball!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Just say no.

I just can't deal with being fat anymore. Right now I would rather be dead than be fat. Yeah I'm just sanother fucken emotitional teenage girl. I harem my life. The fact that I've been so close to my goal once before and then failed so hard just makes me want to cry.

But I ain't taking this shit anymore. I have 12 days. 12 days to lose 10 pounds. Cool I can totaly do this. I WILL be thin by my school ball.
I can do it.

This means eating no more than 500 cal per day.
1 and a half hours of exercise everyday.
Water water water.
I want to see how little amount of food I can live on. Girls I'm not bullshitting you this time. I can fully do this.

To all those out there that post what they eat eveyday no matter what, you are my idols.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Gosh I've been really bad at blogging lately. I've been doing ok. Lifes just to busy and hrtic and it's kinda driving me insane. I'm super stressed and when I'm stressed I eat :( although I've been alright lately. Could be a hell of alot better though. Starting tomorrow 1 meal per day.

Shall post a more detailed blog later.
Love you all.
Emily.
XX

Monday, June 14, 2010

I'm drowning in life. It's eating me up and I can't take it anymore. I need a break. I need to get out.

But on the up note, I've lost weight. Around 3kgs.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I want to lie to you all so much, but I can't do it.
I came home from dancing and ate ice cream, pasta and cookies.
ARGH. Fucken hell. Words cannot describe how angry I am. I want to grab a knife and cut off all my flab and be thin.

Tomorrow I don't eat. If I do it will be rice wafers (38 cal) and soup (between 50-170 cal).

I'm done being fat. That part of my life is over. The new me. It starts now.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Day 1

Yesterday was one of the biggest fail of my life.
So 'operation thin' started today.

I've had:
1 trim mocha
1 chocolate brownie
1 sandwhich with tomato and low fat cheese

Got 2 hours of dancing tonight :) I need it.
I'm fat fat fat.

I have 21 days to drop atleast 12 pounds
I have 24 days till my school ball (prom)
I have 30 days till my dancing nationals

will weigh myself later tonight.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Monday, June 7, 2010

Operation thin

125 pounds of fat. I just keep getting bigger and bigger. I nearly cried when I steped on my scales. I had just lost 4 pounds yet I have put it back on plus more. Such a failure.

Starting tomorrow (Tuesday) and going until sunday is 'operation thin'.
Everyday:
- weigh myself
- 2 hours of exercise
- less than 500 cal
- atleast 1.5L water
- as little amount of carbs as poss
- atleast 7 hours sleep

I'll see how much I lose by sunday and then mabey fix it if it's not working. By July I will be 108.

Goodbye fat.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Fat. Fat. Fat.

Today I was hungover. So I ate and I ate. In fact I had a fat day.
Then I watched sex and the city 2. Oh my god. SJP is so thin, I had never realised. It made me think about everything I ate today, which made me feel sick. I will not weigh myself tomorrow. I'm going to be fat :(

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Let's get wasted, it's all we ever do

I am too drunk.
I have eaten too much.

But weight was 119 today! Yayyyyyyy
going downnnnnnnn

I just ate some bread to sober me up. Ewwww carbs. Fuck. I wannna stay drunk forever. Always floating, buzzing, seeing stars. It's a magical land.

I love you all.

Tonight I did nit make much of a fool of myself :) no sluty. Random hook ups :)

I'm uber tired so I'm gonna bounce. I shall write a full yet slightly hungover blog tomorrow :)

Ems.
XX

Friday, June 4, 2010

Losing, slowly :)

I've lost 2 pounds :) so I'm currently 121!

Intake today:
trim mocha
one small semi healthy meal from wagamamas
half a slice of chocolate cake

exercise:
running for my ferry
running for my train
running again for my ferry
Hahahaha
I had planned to do an hour of dancing and an hour at the gym so i set my alarm for 7. I woke up at 9. Ran out the door to met my friend at the gym at 9.20. My car wouldn't start. Not a good start to the day. Then we almost missed both our ferrys and one of our trains. Then when we were out shopping I got my period and insanely bad cramps. I was like shaking and sweating and in so much pain. It was so horrible. But I brought my ball dress today!!!!! It's long, red and one shoulder. Apparently it makes me look real thin :) I love it so much and it was exactly what I was looking for. I shall post some pictures of it soon!

My ex S text me today. We are both dancers but we live in different towns. There is a competition this weekend in another town and we were both going to go.
He text he today saying 'are you going to the comp tomorrow?'.
I said ' nah cause my mum and dancing teacher won't drive me down'
he replied ' :( I was only going cause you were! And now you arn't.'
I was like woah! Last time I saw you, you hardley even spoke to me!
I text back saying 'aww sorry. I did really want to go! I'll see you at champs though?'
he repiled 'oh ok. Yea sure haha'
end of convosation. Boys! Who needs them?!

Tomorrow I'll do mabe an hour or two at the gym, plus an hour or more of dancing. Eating wise, only with family and only healthy. But not to much!
I have a friends 18th tomorrow night. It's a party at hers. I'm just gonna ignore the caliories from the drinks. I need to get wasted.

Hope you all had an amazing day!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Thursday, June 3, 2010

3 great reasons not to eat :)

Intake today:
4 rice wafers - 152
small brownie - 150
tomato - 20
cheese - 50

total: 372

exercise:
1 hour dancing
1 hour pilaties

Yep today was good. Almost. I went to the dentist... Farr outttt. I hate it so insanely much. I was crying the whole time and one of the nurses had to hold my hand. I'm 17! But I swear they fucked up one of my teeth. It hurts so bad and feels real werid. All I got was 2 fillings, aparentley cause I eat to much sugar. Cool another reason to cut out almost all sugars.

I do highland dancing and last night I got my new kilt YAY. Altogether it costs $1000nzd. But I've put on 5kg (12 pounds?) since I got it measured, so it fits, but not as good as it could. So my dancing teacher told me to lose those 5kgs asap and to cut out all junk food and bad sugars out of my diet! Yuss now I have an excise to not eat!

Short post, sorry but I'm real tired and my tooth is killing me (another reason not to eat. Yuss)

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I just want to be thin

So I came home from school today and had
ice cream - 200 cal
half a fafael wrap ( I so wanted the other half) - 150
coke zero - 2 cal

woah fail much? Haven't done any exercise yet. I'm going out with my mum soon so I'll do maybe a little bit if dancing practice and some sit ups and stuff.

Today I booked my hair and make up for my school ball :) it's at this real fancy amazing place. But I'm annoyed cause one if my friends went and booked it there as well. She only did it cause I told her I was. She's gonna complain about how much it was later cause she always spends her money in food and always complains about how she has no money and how she sucks at saving. Oh and she is the least classy person I know. She totaly won't fit in. Hahah I'm such a bad friend. But god she's annoying.

Tomorrow it's 30 days till my ball. 30 days to drop 23 pounds. So I'm gonna have a plan. I'll post it up later.

I feel fat :( so so fat.
So I just ate a bowl of cherrios. 160 cal. Damn. So I'm nit eating anything else today. Although if i am forced to eat dinner I'll have a cup of tomato soup - 70 cal.

Anyway.... This kills me. I just weighed myself.

123 pounds.

Fuck.
I ate a bit to much today. I will weigh myself tomorrow. Scary thought. I'm way to fat and I hate it.

Intake today:
ice cream - 290
pasta - 300
cherrios - 160
3 cookies - 150

no exercise. Fuck. I'm still sick.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Intake today:
small bowl of pasta - 240
bread - 70
cherrios - 160
total - 470.

Exercise
2 hours dance practice

Not bad. Considering in surrounded by chocolate all day. So far I've eaten about $60. So gross. Stupid chocolate fundrasing. I nearly caved though. But I didn't. Today is a fresh start. But I'm sick. Fucken colds. This is not what I need.

I can't be fat anymore. 5 weeks untill my ball. 5 weeks to drop 20 pounds. I can do this.

Love.
Emily.
XX

Monday, May 24, 2010

Jtfmggdcnkdeavj

1 hour gym
3 hours dance
1 sandwich with tomato, cheese, lettuce and cucumber
2 manderins
1 bar of chocolate
1 slice chocolate cake

wtf. Fatty much?
Tomorrow will be a liquid fast. I need to feel empty again. Water, coke zero and coffee only.

Super pissed at my parents. My Photoshop stopes working like 2 weeks ago and they were meant to fix it. But they didn't. And I have a massive design assignment due this friday, but I haven't started. Fml. My parents tryed to get it working but it wouldn't. Fuck. They should have sorted it out as soon as it fucked up. which means I'm most likely to fail. Thanks parents so much. I really can't depend on people anymore. Grrr why do I have to everything myself! Maybe I'm just a minor control freak or maybe everyone is screwed in the head. I just want to be finished with school and get out of New Zealand. It's cramping my style. I want to move to to the USA. Re-invent myself. Breathe a new kind if air.

Yeah I'm ranting, I'm just to to tired to function right.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Average

My weekend was average. Everything thing is average and below average. Life u
is average.

Before I started my fast I weighed in at the highest I've ever been, 124. Fuck. I don't know how I let myself do that. It's gross. Just plain gross. The fast was amazing! Proves to myself that I can go a long time without food. I don't need it. But I'm an idiot and I binged after my fast. I had I crossant, 2 falafel bugers, ice cream and chocolate cake. I ate until I was feeling sick. I wanted to throw up, but I didn't. I should have. I have love handles! I have a round stomach! I have fat! I though u had got rid of this stuff like 4 months ago. Well... It's back. Argh. Tomorrow I have an hour at the gym and 3 hours dancing. I will eat two oranges and a bowl of cerial (170 cal). I won't stop till I can see my bones again.

Otherwise the rest of my weekend was alright. I stayed at my friends house and a group of us just hung out and went on omegal all night. Holly shit, omegal is insanely addictive and so much fun. I wish I had a web cam at my house. I would be on omegal everynight. Saturday day I went shopping. I was planning on getting my whole winter wardrobe but I was so down because I couldn't stop thinking 'i'm fat I don't deserve clothes'. I ened up getting a skirt, ugg boots and then a manicure. :) I love winter!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Thursday, May 20, 2010

40 hour fast!

I'm at home right now. I should be at school but I told my mum that I was suck and I needed a day to sleep. It's a sort of lie. I also just didn't want to go to school. I hate it. But it felt good to sleep. I should be doing my art design assignment, but insted I'm watching the hills. Fantastic thinspo! But argh I'm so behind on all my school work, it's kinda insane how much I have to do. But I'm not going out this weekend, I'm just staying in and doing all my work. Mainly because there's a party in which like half my year got invited to, but I didn't. Whatever Ive hardley ever talked to the girl who us throwing the party and none of my real close friends are going either. Also because I'm doing a 40 hour fast! It's called the 40 hour famanie and you go without something (usually food) for 40 hours. You get people to sponser you and that money goes to the poor and needey children in Africa. Although the fact that I can not eat for 40 hours and not have anyone bug me about it is the main reason why I'm doing it. This week I've just been eating carbs after carbs. And because I was kinda sick I didn't go to the gym much :( so next week my plan is to gym everyday, dancing practice everyday and hardly any carbs. I have 5 weeks now till my school ball and I haven't lost any weight! Grrrr I will weight myself tonight before I start my fast.

I'm gonna try blog more and better next week. Hope all is well with eveyone!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Changing

God I hate my life.
I hate boys. I hate boys who think they are wayyy to good for you. Just a note: NO YOU ARNT. I'm pretty sure I'm the one that's hotter than you.
I hate embrassing myself. I hate doing it in front of the boy I liked.
I hate losing control whilst drinking. I made out with my gay guy friend. Awarkard.
I hate having no control over what I spend my money on. At this rate I'll never save anything.
I hate spending money on food. Food... Enough said.
I hate food. It makes me fat.
I hate my fat.

I've put on 6kg since feburay. Fuck. How? I lost control. But that changes. Right now. It all changes.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Help! 11 week diet

I'm thinking about doing an 11 week diet That i found on PT insted of skinny girl diet. Whata you guys think???
These are the rules
Updates: We've decided on 0-4-6-8-6-4-2 starting Sunday with a fast. Restricted foods include:
-ALL fast food
-cereal
-ALL italian food and ALL chinese food
-most carbs
- fried food (as much as possible)
- chips of any kind
- any sodas besides diet
- french fries
- pop tarts

Punishments for going over are running a mile and a minute in a cold shower for ever 100 you go over.

Weigh ins once a week, on Sunday morning. Everyone participating must check in once a day unless they have a valid excuse. Post everything you consumed and the total calories as well as how much you exercised/how you feel/whatever else you want to share.

Here's the link. 
http://www.prettythin.com/apps/forums/topics/show/2600551-11-week-diet-buddies-?page=last

yes? No? Ever done anything like this??

121.6

I'm feeling better today. I feel like I'm getting the old non eating me back. It feels good.
Tomorrow is mothers day, but i'm busy all day so I took my mum out this morning. She's never been been to starbucks before so we went there for coffee. I had a rasberry and white chocolate muffin and a grande ice tea passion flavour. It was so good and filled me up so well. Then I took to get a manicure as she loves them. I love my mum. I really do. She's the reason why I eat alot of the times as she's hates seeing me not eat. It hurts me to hurt her.

I just had a coffee (2 sugars) and 2 small cookies. That's all. No more food. At work tonight I'll most probely have some coffees as I am the barrista. It just keeps me going through the night. No time for gym or dancing today :( i'm gonna try to fit in some sit ups tonight. Gotta get my flat stomach back. It hurts not having it. I just want to slice off all my fat.

121.6 oh well that's Iike two pounds. By Friday I want to be down to 115. Because on Saturday we have our after show party for my schools musical, fiddler on the roof. I want to look amazing and I plan on getting wasted! I know I won't be able to get down to what I really wish I was (100) but as long as it's not higher than 115 I'll be happy.

My school ball is seven weeks away so that means I have seven weeks to get down to 100. I so can do that. I have to. I will be the thinst most fabulous looking person there. I have to. I will be.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

.....

I'm really sad to say that one of my favourite bloggers has left and I feel really bad that I didn't even realise. Paige, I hope you continue to be the strong and amazing person you are.

I fucken hate periods. I broke my fast with MacDonalds. Eww so gross. I don't even want to tell you how many caliories it was. After I finished I felt so sick. I can't belived i failed again. Looking back on my old posts it looks like all I ever do at the momoent us fail. But tomorrow is new. I need to be thin. I hate myself right now. So so so much. It kills me to look at myself.

"Today was a failure, but whose to say tomorrow may not be the best day of my life? I just need to pick myself up and get going"

arghhhhh insanely bad cramps. I'm just craving food, but NO WAY!!! It won't happen.

Night all. Dream of thin.

X

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Parents are to blame.

My parents made me eat half a bowl of pasta for dinner. I can usually get away with not eating but not tonight. Oh well I only ate half. Gonna fast tomorrow. Tbh I'm feeling like a fat tub of lard right now. Once again I did no school work or learning my dancing theory. I just sat down, watched a movie and thought about how I hate my love handles. Tomorrow will be more productive. I won't eat :)

Minor sucess though, after school at school show rehersal I didn't eat any of the food they gave us and I had a hard core dancing lesson!

XX

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

quickly...

Didnt end up going to Pilaties this morning :( I was so insanely tired, but now i just feel real yuck.

So far today ive eaten:
1/2 a muffin
one brownie
One sandwich with colsaw in it.

Thats enough for today. Fasting from now until this time tomorrow cause i know i will be forced to eat dinner. Im ment to be in class right now but im bunking. Woah badass. Fuck it. I just dont care anymore.

Dancing lesson tonight and then gym tomorrow morning. Will weigh myself at the gym.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Frickkkkk.

So i just checked my bank accounts...
Turns out I've spent over $250 on food in the last month. I nearly cryed. I need to save that money!!!! No wonder I'm fat.

Also i didn't completely fast today...
I ate a caramel slice and some mango at work. I'm blaming it on my period and the fact that work was extremely busy and that i haven't even tryed to fast in so long. So I'm kinda happy.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring. I'm doing Pilate's tomorrow morning and then a dancing lesson at night.

School was insanely lame today. I only had three classes but all i wanted to do was go to the gym and just run.

So So So hoping Ive lost even .1 pound by the time i weigh myself tomorrow morning.
Ive put on 10 pounds since school has gone back.

Fml.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Welcome to another day in paradise.

As soon as I'm down to 105 I'm going on a massive shopping spree. It better come soon. I need some clothes. Urgently. My love handles are back :( this always means I've put in weight, alot of weight... Damn. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning. I am teriffied. I don't want it to be over 120, but it most probley will be. Fuck i hate my life. I actully can't wait till I finish school in 6 months. I'm so over it already. LET ME BE FREE!!!! I need to escape. I need to get out. I want to go travelling, go wild and just be on my own. 7 months till I'm 18, till new years, till NEW YORK! Fuck yes. I need a change.

Mothers day on Sunday although my mum is being a total bitch to me at the moment. Whatevs. I'm taking her out for breakfast on Saturday and then to get a mani pedi or something along those lines. I told her today that she has to keep Saturday morning free and she didn't seem to happy. I told her I'm giving her a mum morning. She was like "why?". Fine then I won't do anything for you. I won't eat for you. I'm taking her out for breakfast for fucks sake. I'm going to actully have to eat. I'm going to eat scrambled eggs with an orange juice. That's all for that day.

Great. Stupid cramps. Stupid period. Today is going to be great. I'm not going to eat.

EDIT:
so I just weighed myself.
56kg - 123.4 pounds!!!!
Holy fuck. No way can I eat today. I have class photos at school today as well! Fml. Now everyones gonna remember me as the frumpy fat chick. Fuck.

Spin spin

I was doing so well untill I got home. My mum made me eat soup and bread. After that, it all went down hill. Fuck. Tomorrow I need to starve, I need to feel pain. I will fast.

My life is all spining spining. I need it to stop, so I can stop the food.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Monday, May 3, 2010

Control is all I want.

I fucked up. Big time. As in a week long binge. I couldn't stop eating. My life was spinning out of control. I figured out that when I eat I lose control of everything, but when I starve, I am pure and in control and everything is mine.

Liquids only (water, diet coke, one protein shake, one fruit smoothie) for two days. Then just restrict for fours days untill Monday, which is when I will start doing the skinny girl diet again.

I want my control back. I want to be thin.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Binge. Binge. Binge.

Fuck.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Day 3

Sorry I didn't post last night, I was super busy.
Today is day 3 of the skinny girl diet which is 400 cal. I'm going to take one serving if cerial to school which is 122 cal, which means I have 278 cal left for dinner. Gonna go do some dancing now and then gym for two hours tonight.

Yesterday was... Well I was just having a really bad day. I ate 322ish cal :( that's 22 more than I was meant to. But I burned it off with dancing last night. I had cerial and then 200 cal worth if sushi. I didn't go to the gym though, my alarm went off, I turned it off and then fell back alseep. Grrrr I felt so yuck for the rest of the day, most probley why I got the sushi.

Charr - I'm trying to put the link up but I'm blogging from my iPod and for some reason it won't let me. I'm gonna try get onto blogger on my familys computer tonight!

I will weight myself tonight at the gym.... God if I havent lost at all... I'm gonna be so angry.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Day 1 - skinny girl diet

Hey guys

so I stuck with my 400 cal today, but only just. I had a proten bar (150) and scrambled eggs on toast (around 250). Blagh I shouldn't of had the protein bar. I weighed myself this morning.... 122.5. I nearly cryed. I don't know how I let myself get this fat. Ewww I'm so grossed out. But the thing is, I don't look it. I look and feel like 116. But the scale never lies. Went to the gym this morning, it's actully my favourite place to go alone, I love a good workout. I gymed for like an hour. It felt so good after. I just got back from dance which was 1 and a half hours. Hell yes that 2 and a half hours hard out exercise today!

After school today at stage challenge practice we were all comparing our weights. One girl was 68kg and another was 59kg. I'm not sure what that is when converted into pounds but I think that's just gross. I couldn't live with myself if I weighed that much. I mean at the moment I'm like 55kg and I nearly cryed when I found out. It just made me want to lose weight even more. Thank god these first few pounds are the easest to lose.

Tomorrow it's 300 cal. Hmmm not sure what I will eat. I think I might just have one serving of cerial without milk (122 cal) for after school before dance. But I will not go over. No matter what. God I remember the days when I would only eat 300 cal. It used to be so easy.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Skinny girl diet

I was just looking around the diet forums on prettythin.com and I found something called 'the skinny girl diet'. It's kind like the ABC diet but nit as harsh and it only lasts for 30 days. It's meant to work really well. I'm gonna try it starting tomorrow.

 
1: 400
2: 300
3: 400
4: 500
4: 450
6: 650
7: 650
8: 400
9: 300
10: 400
11: 500
12: 450
13: 650
14: 700
15: 400
16: 300
17: 400
18: 450
19: 500
20: 650
21: 700
22: 400
23: 300
24: 450
25: 500
26: 450
27: 650
28: 700
29: 400
30: FAST.

Seems easy enough. Shall update tomorrow my lovelys. Sorry I haven't been commenting in any of you blogs! I am reading them though and I'm sure they are the only things keeping me sane. I'm going to try and make mote if an effort! Blagh school tomorrow but YAY because I'm gonna be so busy I'll have no time to eat.

Off to finaly get some sleep before I have to get up and go to the gym before school.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX

Tiny thighs never lie

I want to feel pain.
I want to be shakey.
I want to feel dizzy.
I want to feel like a feather.
I want to float.
I want to be empty.
I want to see bones.
I want to be thin.

And I will. Tomorrow is crunch day, the day I truly start trying because to be honst, I really havnt been try hard enough.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Quick post

Just a quick post, I've gotta go to the gym. Today wasn't to bad. I only ate when I was forced to and in front of people. I had one hashbrown fir breakfast, a chocolate crossiant for lunch. I just got home and my sister made chocolate chip muffins and I had one :( but I cut up a whole onion and fryed it up. I was going to make a onion and cashew wrap. But I didn't. I chucked it out and walked out of my kitchen.
Gonna go do a kick boxing and then a yoga class at the gym. Plus I did like 3 hours of dancing today.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin

Emily.
XX

Monday, April 12, 2010

Bfhogcdrhivf

I worked all day again :) and I didn't eat any of my cafes food! This is a major first. I usually always give in a steal a muffin or something, but I didn't :) during my lunch break I went and got a 6 inch vegie delight sub from subway. I wish I hadn't, but it's only around 200 cal and I resist from getting buger king or MacDonalds so I don't feel too bad. But I dint end up going to the gym :( oh well I'll just go hard out tomorrow. Tonight my friends are coming over and I'm having a movie night/sleepover. I've told them that we are making pizzas. This is hood because I can get away with only making half a pizza and then only eating half of that. Yay.

EDIT

that is what I was meant to post last night, but my friend jaz came into my room so I had to quickly put I iPod touch down and tbh I forgot about this post.

We didn't end up making pizzas like I wanted...
We were out getting movies when one of my friends suggested that we get MacDonalds because it would be easier than going to the supermarket and getting stuff for pizzas as I was running low in food at home. Of course everyone thought it was a GREAT idea, apart from me. Then at macdonalds I had a moment of insanety. Insted if getting a hambuger, small frys and a water like I should have, I got a hambuger, medium frys and a small frozen coke! Argh I totally just stop using my brain. Fuck.
This means two hours at the gym tonight. Plus I'm doing like 4 hours of dancing today :) as long as I eat under 600 cal, I'll be sweet,
I want tomorrow to hurry up. It's pay day and it's gonna be awesome. It means I go can shopping and go to ballet this weekend :)

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Emily.
XX