About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

failure is my middle name

Hello my loves.

Today was shit. Im certain that everyday just keeps getting worse. I can only find comfort in my control and knowing that my body is (generally) empty. Except for today...
AND yesterday....

Yesterday wasnt too bad i did an hour of cardio at the gym (-500 cal, i think) and ate around 600 cal. Today... Whoa. Did an hours pilaties in the morning then me and my friend who i did the class with decided not to go to school today because we didnt want to. Really wishing i went now. We went back to her house and watched trashy tv all day and planned our trip away to Wellington (the capital on New Zealand). Did i mention we ate? Alot? Im not even going to count calories cause i know it will just make cry, but heres a list of what i ate.
-Half a small slice of chocolate swirl cake
-4 m&m's
-Tomato sandwich
-just under a pack of crackers
-An apple
-Picklet with golden syrup
-bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce
-2 mini chocolate bars
-8 chocolate chip biscuits

I am fat. I havent lost any weight. Im still a whopping 124 pounds. Gross someone cut it all off. Now! This afternoon i went for an hours walk and then i had a 2 hour dancing class. So attests i burned some of it off. But about an hour ago i got really bad stomach pains and it was horrible. I know its from eating too much but it still hurts. So tomorrow im going to do something i haven't done in a while. A good old fast. Diet coke will be allowed. It will be hard as im going to the gm before school and then i have work tomorrow night and i'll be working on a conference where we get to eat all the food that's left over. Its hell.

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I've been just really angry at everything and everyone. But mainly me. After dancing tonight i just hopped in my car and went for a dangerous drive and finally stopped and burst into tears. I just felt like everything i had had worked so hard for in my dancing, my school work, my body - its all gone. Im insanely poor as well. My dream trip to NYC, which was meant to happen in January has now been put off till March cause im poor. Fml.Fml.Fml. I cant do anything right in dancing and i suck big time. Im failing school and to be honest i don't give a fuck anymore. I used to be able to see my collar bones. Hellloooooo.......? Where have you gone????? Gone where everything else has gone. Down the toilet.
That reminds me. Ive purged everyday this week except for today. There was no chance to do it. I dont know why i used to have trouble with it. It's so easy. Just shove your fucken fingers down your throat.

From now i am getting thinner. I am losing weight. Dont care about anything else.

God Emily, get your life back on track.

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