I haven't gone anywhere...
Although I feel like I have...
I'm floating. And not the empty kind of floating as my parents made me eat dinner with them tonight and my house is wayy to quiet to purge. No I'm mind floating. Maybe it's because of the insane amouts of school work I have to do for the next two nights. Or maybe my minds changing. I dunno. I've just been thinking alot lately. About me, my body, my bones, my money, my life, what I really want.
So what do I really want out of life?
1. Money. I will be a millioaire by the time I am 30.
2. To be perfect. I will have bones, I will be what others girls wish they could have.
3. I want to go and possibly live in NYC. It's been a dream of mine since I was little.
4. I want to be loved. I can't keep having random one night stands, it just tears me apart. I need to know someone loves me, that someone thinks I'm amazing, to be held and cuddled. I want that so much....
But not as much as I want to be perfect.
I just read winter girls. Wow. I don't even know what to think. I had searched so hard for this book. I looked in all my local bookstores and libarys but noone had it. Today at school I was in the libary, trying to pass time when I walked past it. I couldn't belive my eyes. It's deffently fate. It made me feel so bad about not trying hard enough to get out of dinner. It made me realise a few things. This, this desire to be perfect, to float, to be weightless, it's totally mental. As much as people can tell me 'come on one bite won't hurt', yes yes it will. It's all mental. It's not something we can switch off. As much as we try. It's here with us and it's what connects us. It makes us who we are.
I highly recommend winter girls. I know mist of you would have read it by now but if you haven't, do! I don't want to eat ever again.
I think I'm starting to get addicted to coffee. Ive had 6 cups today. It just tastes so good. But I can't drink it black. I have to have non fat milk in it.
I had a massive fight with one of my friends today in front of a whole lot of people at school. I just couldn't take her anymore. She fucken complains and gets stressed out about everything. She always has to have the most troubles, the most problems. All my other friends have been bitching about her behind her back as well, yet I was the only one with enough balls to say (yell actually) to her. An example of what she does: she has two school assignments due this week. As usuall she has only just started as doesn't know what she's meant to be doing. So she expects to be able to copy everyones work and for everyone to just take her moodyness and stress. Also she's always like 'omg I'm do fat, em can you help me lose weight? Argh I hate my thighs I'm so fat etc etc'. So at lunch today she has a pie, yought, chocolate and a full fat red bull. Like how dumb can you get? She's always in a downer mood and what REALLY bugs me is the fact that she will never listen to anyone and she doesn't think anyone has problems in their lifes. Trust me, I almost told her about what I feel like, how I think and she was like 'no you problems don't compare to mine. You just don't understand' like wtf???
Sorry about the rant. I've just had a tough day.
Thank you for all being here when I need you.
Stay Strong, Stay Thin.