About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

ABC day 2

I'm feeling really good today. Really strong. I think my self control and desire to be thin is back!

I was going to have scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast, but I couldn't figure out how many cal it had. I googles it but there is so many different sites that all say different things. Does anyone know????

So I only had a black coffee for breakfast. Planning in having two small tacos for lunch. That's about 300 cal. Then this afternoon I have a meeting and I will only get a drink. Then I'll just tell my parents that I ate at the meeting.

My gym is closed today :( and it's really raining hard outside, so I might just have to do some sit ups ect. tonight.

School starts in two days! So excited. It means I'll be real busy soon so I'll have no time to think of food!

CW: 114.4! yay slowly going down!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Saturday, January 30, 2010

ABC day 1

Mango sorbet - 90 cal
Vanilla ice cream - 150 cal
Ice cream cone - 95 cal
Bread - 60 cal
Cucumber - 4 cal?

Total = 399.

Which means I have 100 cal left for dessert. But only if my mum makes
me, which she will. Haven't weighed myself today, so I think I might just wait till tomorrow morning. Did no exercise today :( and I think my gym is closed tomorrow so I might just go for a run.

Tomorrow is 500 cal as well. Not too hard. I can so do this.
Today is feeling like it's a better day. Wait, nah I've had wayy to many fights with my mum today.

My heart goes out to Lisa, who is hospital atm. Hope you feel better soon hun.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Friday, January 29, 2010

Falling out the sky without a parachute

If I could purge right now, I would.
I ate last night. Bad bad bad.
Had two tacos for lunch. Bad bad bad.
Went to the gym. Didn't do much. Bad bad bad.

I feel like I have become out of touch with the thin girl hiding inside of me.
I'm going to punish the fat girl in me by starting the ABC diet tomorrow. I will try to do 20 days atleast. Staying at my friends house tonight. I don't want to anymore, but I would feel bad if I didn't. Also she is the one who knows about my struggles with food and my body. Great. I might just have to purge after she is done with me.

Yesterday I got told that I'm really toned. I looked in the mirror and u can't see it. Sure I have some muscle but the fat just surrounds it. God my legs are gross.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Thursday, January 28, 2010

back down

I was going to fast, but...
I decied (as i was feeling faint and dizzy) that i need to ease myself back into this. I cant just go from total binges one day to nothing the next. Its the reason i always binge.

Food intake today
Half a date small date scone - 40 cal
Handful of vege chips - 80 cal

1 1/2 hour dance lesson - -400ish cal

Im not going to eat tonight. I have work and i always get offered muffins, scones, cakes ect. But today im feeling strong enough to say no. Just say no. Haha sounda like im talking about drugs.

Im feeling better today. The last week i have been an emotional wreck for no reason. So i ate alot as well. Thank god im back down to 114.8.
Im want to be 110 this time next week. Im gonna try.

I think im going to try something new. Everyday, not eat anything until 7pm but only if i want to. So it can kinda be like a fast. But staying under 500 cal of course. What do you think?

Btw gossip girl is just amazing thinspo. I watched it 3.00am this morning and its what has put me in my good mood and made me not wan to eat. Honstly, i want Blair Waldorfs life. Cant wait to go to NYC!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.



I ate around 708 cal today.
I was gonna try and fast.
I'm weak.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I want it so bad.
Did no exercise today :(
Found out that being bored and with friends makes me want to eat.

I will fast tomorrow.
Weight is still the same.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I hate spiders.

Missed my bus because I found a spider on my bag when I was about to leave to go to the gym.
I froze, started crying and freaking out. I can't deal with spiders. I couldn't work out how to kill it and that freaked me out even more.
Ran, grabed the fly spray and sprayed it.
I hate spiders.
So I missed my bus which means no gym, unless I wanna do a 20 minute workout? Nah I'm just gonna go hard out tomorrow.
Ballet is in just over and hour.
Gota find something to do for half an hour now.
I might finish cleaning my room. Burn some cal.

Whilst walking home from the bus stop, I went into my dairy to buy some gum.
I walked out with an ice cream and a chocolate.
Ate two bites of the ice cream.
Chucked it in the bin.
Ate two bites of the chocolate.
Chucked it in someones garden.
I still have no gum :(

Food Intake today:
- Half an apple 40 cal
- One slice bread 50 cal
- Two small falafels 100 cal
- Two biscuts 100 cal
plus the bites of chocolate and ice cream.

Not bad for today.
Not bad for how fricken emotional I am right now.
Somethings wrong with me.
I was crying all this morning. Whilst doing the ironing.

Going to a sleepover tonight. If I eat anything, then I can't eat anything tomorrow.
Gonna get a mocha with non fat milk after ballet.

I wish it was winter. I hate summer.

My thighs look huge.
I feel fat.
I am fat.

I feel like I have spiders crawling all over me.
It's creeping me out.

I NEED to fast. I think I will tomorrow.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Had a meltdown when I got home.
Ate a sandwich, chips, toffee, biscuts, soda, cashews.
Yay Emily is a fat fuck.
I figured out today that I eat when I'm bored.
Thank fucken god school starts next week.

Self control has gone AWOL. I'm gonna go hunting for it tomorrow.

Stay strong.

Monday, January 25, 2010

We are falling apart. And I don't like it.

I failed.
I hate myself.
Nearly cryed at the gym.
Went and got some subway.
And subway cookies.

I just to start fresh.

A sunny day :)

CW: 114.8
Food intake for today: Nothing! Unless I'm forced at dinner.
Exercise today: gym 1 hour (-400ish cal)

It's sunny today so I'm gonna hit the beach.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

Exercise today =
I hour at the gym (-450 and more cal)
I hour dance class (around -400 cal)

food today =
1 apple (80 cal)
I cup pasta (180 cal)
1 small wrap (40 cal)

wow I ate 300 exactly.
24 hour fast tomorrow. So excited to be rid of feeling full.
I WILL be thin.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Somewhere weakness is our strength

There is a reason for me not blogging all weekend. I felt i needed time to figure my life out. I wanted to get away from everything and just have a clear mind. It worked, i think. I figured out what i really need and want out of my life.

1. I need to be thin
Yeah i know everyone says this. But i really want it, I cant stand looking myself in the mirror. My thighs alone make me want to smash my mirror. But i have been trying hard enough, I've hardly been trying at all. From now on i will not 'try', i will 'do'.

2. I need to save more money
So no more buying food!!!!! Honestly, i need so much money this year. $2500+ for my dancing, $4000+ for my NYC trip, $400 singing, ball, petrol, shopping, gym memberships.

3.I need to work harder for my future
I want to study at Tisch school of the arts (at NYU) or the American Academy of performing arts (also in NYC). Being an international student means it would be so much harder to get in. So at school this year i must get amazing grades and start making an amazing CV. This includes winning my national dancing champs, which i know if i work hard enough i can do.

So that's all i really though about. But i had a bad weekend with food. I fasted on Friday which was good. But then Saturday and Sunday i ate 'normally'. I don't know why. It felt horrible. But it was weird as i was feeling dizzy, tired and light headed all weekend. But isn't that meant to happen when i don't eat?
So i ended up putting on allot of weight. 116. I almost cried when i stepped on the scales this morning. I put on THREE pounds! I still cant believe it.

So today i will eat under 300 cal.
Tuesday fast.
Wednesday eat under 300 cal.
Thursday fast.
Friday eat under 300 cal.
Saturday eat under 600 cal.
Sunday eat under 600 cal.
Monday eat under 400 cal.
Tuesday fast.
Wednesday = SCHOOL!!! eat under 300.

Every morning i will wake up and weight myself and i will post it here everyday, along with what i will eat that day. I'm making dinner in my house till i go back to school so it will be easy to control what i eat.

On Saturday me mum asked me 'whats the ABC diet?'. I was like holly shit! where did she get that from. I said 'i dunno, i think i read about in a book once' and we moved on to talking about my friend who is doing a no carb diet. But that really freaked me out. I thought she had been reading my blog! But she keeps going on about how when she was my age, she was thinner than i am, that i have stretch marks on my thighs and if ever do put on weight, she will be the first person to tell me. although if I'm not eating, she will try and force me to eat. Like come on, do you want me to be thin or fat????

Soon I'm going to have to give up fasting and will have to eat more than 300 cal :(
It's because i will be doing 3 hours of exercise a day, school full time, work almost everyday and school work. but i still plan on eating under 1000 cal. It will go like this:
Breakfast protein shake - 110 cal
Lunch soup - 80ish cal or two pieces of bread -100 cal or under 150 cal of veg
Dinner max of 400 cal
snack apple 80 cal
Drinking only water and diet soda if possible.

Will post again tonight.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I want...

To be thin
To get a boyfriend
To be the best at my dancing
To be thin

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


I'm sorry, I have let you down

I am a fat fucken failure. I feel so horrified with myself. Since my last post like 6 six hours ago, I have eaten 5 muffins. 5 FUCKEN MUFFINS. I dont deserve to live, to have friends, to write on my blog. I'm so horribly massive right now. I think I might start crying soon.

So tomorrow I'm only eating an apple and as little as I can get away with for dinner. I'm having a sleep over, so all I have to do is say no to all the FATTENING candy, chips and soda. Then a total fast on Friday. Maybe one day I won't be a FAT COW. Maybe... It would be nice.

But on a happier note, my friend wanted to use one of my dresses for a show she is doing, but she didn't because she couldn't fit any of them!!! It made me so happy!!!!!! The dresses = a size 1/2 from Dillards and two size small dresses from forever 21. But she is kinda chuncky herself. But I brought her candy for her birthday! So she's gonna get fatter! Haha

Look at me, bitching about my bff. Is this really who I have turned into? I'm not sure if I like this new me....

But this new me does want to be thin more than anything in the world! So I do kinda like her and her evil ways....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Like the model type, Skinny with no appetite

Ive lost 1 pound. 113 now. It's good, but not good enough. Definitely not good enough.

I was meant to have a lunch meeting today but as soon as i got there i was told that its has been postponed till 4pm. Well thanks. Now i don't have anytime to go to the gym. Thank you SO much for being so unorganized and screwing up my day. I don't even like you anyway. But at least its now only coffee and not lunch.

But whilst i was waiting for the bus to come home i went and got sushi :( and then a freshly squeezed fruit juice. Urg i feel so fat. I hate having no control. I feel like such a failure right now. Plus i had 5 slices of fruit this morning (watermelon and rock melon). Kill me now!!!!!

I need to try harder. So much harder. School starts in two weeks. So fasting next Tuesday and Thursday and then the Tuesday after that. But 300 or less cal everyday and an hour of exercise everyday. I WILL be 110 when i go back to school.

I have a ballet class tonight :) that should burn at least 300 cal. YAY!
Plus i will do:
50 lunges
50 sit ups
50 squats
+ anything else i can think of. And I'm gonna do a massive stretch tonight!

Will update later tonight as well! Thanks everyone who comments and reads my blog. It gives me so much support.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Monday, January 18, 2010


As I am feeling extremly overweight and an obese whale I am going to fast tomorrow. I'm kinda excited, I love fasting. I love the empty floating feeling I get. Then I will weight myself tomorrow night. If I haven't lost I will fast for until before my ballet class on wedensday night. I have school in 15 days and I want to be the thinnest I have ever been.

I got bored watching the golden globes today so I measured myself.
Thighs - 20 in
Waist - 24 in
Hips - 30 in
Upper arms - 9 in

I will be thin soon!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

This is me.

These are pictures of me. I put them up to remind myself of what i want and what im working for. i mean my thighs? Ewwww. But i am looking better than i use to. Plus you can almost see my hip bones!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Just talk yourself up and tear yourself down

Grrr. My pictures wont upload! I finally have time to put up photos of myself and blogger wont let me. Well thanks very much.

I haven't posted in a while as i wasn't feeling well this weekend and i had like no privacy to post. God i need my own computer. So I'll fill you in on whats been happening.....
OMFG. Maybe the most amazing day of my life. The big day out (it's a music festival). Muse, Lily Allen, Dizzie Rascal, Jet, The Mars Volta, Powderfinger, Lady Hawk, PnC, Calvin Harris plus more! I was hardcore sweating all day which was good as i eating so much that day. I didn't even put on a pound :)
The weekend
I was feeling really sick and tired and i was with my family the whole time so i had to eat. I didn't binge though, but i did 'controlled eating'. But i still ate way more than i normally do.

Last night my mum said that my knees are getting thinner. I was like thanks but wtf my knees? I honestly don't think they are but whatevs.

Today i have eaten
1 apple 60 cal
2 slices of bread 120 cal
10 cashew nuts?????? Don't even want to know how many cal.
and I'm going to stop there. Not as good as i wanted but it will do.

Exercise for today
I did an hour at the gym -350ish cal
Tonight i have an hour dancing lesson -400ish cal.

I will weight myself tomorrow morning and hopefully post the pictures of myself. Be prepared to be horrified!

School starts again for me in just over two weeks. I need to be thin by then. I want everyone to be like 'wow Emily's lost weight. She looks awesome!' etc. I just want to go back to school feeling like i can do anything. All i want is to have the gap between my thighs and to be able to see my rib bones. When i can, i will be so happy. My stomach is growling for food but i must control it, it cant conrol me.

Sucess is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.

Remember that quote. I love it.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hell yes!

I got merit :) So I'm now in a good mood :)

Just to explain the NCEA system
To pass you need to get 80 credits and you can get them from exams you do through out the year and at the end of the year. Each exam is worth between 2 - 12 credits and you can pass it with achieved, merit or excellence. To pass the year with merit or excellence you need to get at lest 50 credits of merit or excellence.

My results
I passed with merit and 106 credits! I'm so happy because last year i almost failed.

:) :) :) :) :) :)

So I'm not going to eat another calorie today.
Ive already had a cookie (bad bad bad), half a cup a soup and two slices of bread. When I'm nervous i eat.

Going to the beach soon and then to the gym. I took some photos of myself today but i wont have the privacy to put them up here till monday.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.

I just ate 3 cookies..... :(

Its all because I found out that I get my exam results tomorrow. I started freaking out and crying. I was thinking 'i fail. I'm never good. I'm fat' etc. I hate it when stupid stuff does this me. It's insane.

Will post my results tomorrow. What I eat will definitely depend on my results. God I know I'm not strong enough to not binge if I don't pass with at least merit. I will explain the NCEA marking system later.

Wish me luck. Tonight's gonna be a long one.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

What a shame we all became such fragile, broken things

Sleepovers = bad. evil. horrible.

I ate some chocolate. But i didn't totally binge on it. Control is getting better. My friend, Amy, the one who thinks I'm anorexic brought me and all my friends McDonald's hot fudge Sunday's. All my friends would have kicked my butt if i didn't eat it. So i did. UGH. It was a downward spiral from there. But yesterday, i ate less than half of my bowl of pasta! I was eating and i though 'I don't need this. I don't want this'. So i chucked it out :)

But today is a new day.
All i will drink is water and the coffee (with 2 sugars) that i have already had.
All i will eat is the one vege taco that i will have before ballet.
Exercise i will do is my ballet class. So glad that ballet is starting again!

Not going to weigh myself today. I'm to scared.

If ever in need of some thinspo, watch 'Girl, Interrupted'. Amazing. I didnt eat any more chocolate after watching it.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Monday, January 11, 2010

With every breath i wish your body would be broken

I wish i was an animal.
Any animal really. I wouldn't mind.
But I think a cat would be nice.
They don't get judged on their weight. They don't have to starve themselves to feel like they fit in.
It would be nice.....

What i plan on eating and drinking today?
Water, Coke zero, one bowl of pasta with tomato pasta sauce.
Usually i try and avoid eating pasta, even though i love it, as it makes me feel so fat and I'm sure it puts on heaps of weight. But i promised my parents last night that i would eat pasta for dinner today.

Exercise for today?
Gym for one hour (15 min treadmill, 20 min bike and 25 min of weights and floor exercises) and at least an half an hour of dancing practice.

I'm planning on having a sleep over tonight. It will be the ultimate test. But i will stay strong.

Please note
I am NOT anorexic. I'm am just a girl who is striving to be perfect and slightly obsessed with counting calories and my weight. I just had to point this out as the other day my friend called my anorexic after i told her how many calories were in the ice cream she was eating. Being anorexic means being servery under weight, being professionally diagnosed, not getting your period etc.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Sunday, January 10, 2010


CW: 114.86 to be precise. Only ate 50 cal today. I had a tiny bowl of custard. I was meant to be fasting but I deiced that if I want to win my dancing nationals I need to better care of my body, especially Seeing as I'm doing more than 2 hours of exercise a day, 6 days a week.

But I'm shrinking! I've lost like two pounds and my waist is looking tiny! Shame I can't say the same about my thighs....

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Saturday, January 9, 2010

You build me up, you break me down

Friday i ate. I would have been on 300 cal but at work my boss gave me an ice cream (359 cal) and its one of the really good ones and everyone else was watching so had to eat it.

Yesterday i had a tomato sandwich and some roast veges. But i had dessert as well :( When my parents are home its like they force me to eat. I hate it!

Today my dad made pancakes for breakfast and I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I had eaten three. So I did. But i'm just not eating anything for the rest of the day. Except for three chips this afternoon when my group is having drinks and hot chips on the beach.

I found a website where you tell them your CW, height, age and GW and the amount of time you have to lose weight . They tell you how many calories to eat each day. So this is my plan;
WEEK ONE: 300 cal a day
WEEK TWO: 380 cal a day
WEEK THREE: 300 cal day
But I'm going to do week one a bit differently.
MON: fast
TUES: small bowl of pasta
WED: one taco ( vege)
THUR: fast
FRI: it's the big day out (music festival) so I know there won't be any low cal food there and you arn't allowed to take food in so I'm just not going to eat much. But it will be impossible to eat under 300 cal.
Plus gym everyday. I just want to be thinish by the time school goes back.

I can't find the website but when I do I shall post it here.

Stay Strong.


Thursday, January 7, 2010

I'm on my way to beliving

About 300 cal today. Had some pasta. Did a Latin dance class insted of going to the gym. But I got my period so I'm bloated like a fat whale. Ew.

Tomorrow is my proten bar only but I'm working from 5pm till 2.30am which is hell enough.

Stay Strong.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Brain loss


Yesterday I was so happy that a pair of small pants were far too big that I had sushi and undo noodle soup. I hardly ate any of the soup.
Then I thought, wtf am I doing! So I tried to purge, but I couldn't. Then I went to the gym. And then home to binge. Am I insane! Have i lost my brain?

From today (Thursday) till Sunday it's under 300 cal each day. Then fast on Monday. Under 300 on Tuesday. Under 500 on wedsenday. Fast on Thursday and then Friday is the big day out! So I'm gonna try stay under 800 cal. Plus gym everyday.

Grrrrrrr I wish I wasn't so stupid sometimes.

Stay Strong.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Im Back...

Welcome to 2010 fellow anas!

This year is all about beimg thin.
I know we can do it.

Sorry i havent blogged in a while but ive been away with the family. God it was horrible. Im amazed i only put on one pound. I dont know why im at 118. Its a frigen mircle.

CW: 118
GW 31st Jan: 110
UGW: 100


110 and satying there for two weeks: Massage
105 and staying there for two weeks: Shoes
100 and staying there for two weeks: Highlights

My New Year resolutions:
- Weigh 105 by 28th Feb
- Weigh 100 by 10th April
- Become the fittest ive ever been in my life

So those are my goals.
Seem alright.
Today was an average day. I went to the gym for an hour but i ate like 500 cal. My holiday has made me soft. Tomorrow i will stay under 300 cal. It will get much easier when my parents go back to work on Monday. Otherwise my mum has started to notice me not eating much and is trying to force me to eat. I love her, but sometimes she just needs to stay out of my life.

I thought, seeing as its a new year new start ect. i should tell you about myself.
Im 17, i live in New Zealand and im in my final year at school. Im a dancer, love performing and cant wait to move to New York to make it to the big time! Im a vegiterian and i love animals and fashion. I started this blog to have some where to share my thoughts and keep me on track. I love reading everyones blogs as i find them so inspiring.

Yep thats me in a nut shell.

Btw i want a ana buddy. Email me at pingem@hotmail.com

Stay Strong