About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Simply skinny september

So today has been alright. 

- 2 veggie tacos = 340 cal
+ i munched on what I'm guessing to be 150 cal, so thats only 90 cal over my limit. But I would have burnt it off with exercise.

Today I did about an hour of dancing for school. I'm one of my school fashion show dancers. Didn't try out as a model this year due to body issues... You all know what I'm talking about.
Plus I went to the gym for an hour. 

Tomorrow is 600 cal. Possibly going to have a crumpet with golden syrup and pasta. Only 400 cal. But i'll still have 200 left if I feel like eating a snack. 

I have a lecture at my citys main uni tomorrow night. It's fir my history class, we are studing Tudors and stewards. It's not that I hate the subject, it's just that I hate my teacher and the way he teaches it. Honstly we have been studing it since feburay and I still have no clue. It's a three lecture, hell one hour is bad enough! 

I fricken tired and can't think of anything else to write. Except that...

Tomorrow is the start of 
"Simply Skinny September"
It's gonna be a great month, I can just feel it! 
But it looks like I didn't reach my first goal :( so i'm just aiming for the second one now. Watch out, i'm going to be thin soon. Summers on it's way and I need to thin. Asap. Please and thank you.


Sunday, August 29, 2010


I lost 4 pounds :) It was about time i started losing some!

Goddd im so tired so this will on be breif. Im at home at the moment as i have a study period at school. I only got 2 hours sleep last night, maybe less? I had to stay up to finish a seminar for English and yet i still went to the gym this morning. I just did my seminar like an hour ago and i think it went really well! i hope it did, i really need to start getting good grades.

Life feels like it back on track, although i know i wont get to my goal of 115 by the 1st of September. Im okay with that though. Now that ive started losing it only gets easier.

Im only eating 200 cal today, but im going to go over by 40. Its alright though as i have a dance class tonight and burned around 400 at the gym this morning.
So far today i've had:

- 5 crackers = 98 cal

Later i'll have:

- lolliepop = 40 cal
-crumpet with golden syrup = 100 cal

IM FREAKING BUZZING OUT! i need some sleep. But insted i'll just take some more nodoze and drink a diet coke. I had 4 nodoze last night... The recomended amout is 1. Hahah.

Hope you are all having wonderful days :)

Love you all.



I just read this and noticed all the spelling and grammar errors. I think it shows how much i need sleep. Im not tired though. Although i knowing im going to crash soon.

So just ignore all errors in this post, or have a laugh. Whatevs.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Let's all forget about yesterday

I didn't feel worthy of talking to you girls. Hence the reason I've been sucking at blogging. But I'm feeling better today. 
Yesterday however was extremley fucked up. Firstly I hadn't lost any weight so I ate breakfast :( then at school I got told I found out I fucked up my singing assesment to much so I didn't pass and that I also failed my two history assignments. Thankfully I can re do my history but I only have a week I have absoultly no time. I was so upset after talking to my history teacher so I went and sat in my car and cryed and cryed and cryed. Then I thought fuck it so I binged on:
- half a subway wrap ( veggie delight )
- one subway cookie
- medium McDonalds chips with sweet and sour sauce
- small veggie pizza from pizza hut

Fatty much?
So of coure I went home and purged. But it was werid this time. It was really hard to get it all up. It seemed to get stuck in my throat and it hurt. It has never been like this. I know I didn't get it all out but I did get most of it. 
I wasn't going to eat for the rest if the night but then my mum made me eat. It ws a choice between sushi or hot chips. I chose sushi but it made me feel sick. But I couldn't purge again. 

I've been exercising pretty well lately. I did a NYC ballet company workout DVD yesterday. I don't have anytime to do any today as I have an insane amount of homework to do plus I have work in an hour. 

So far today i've had:
- two mini baby bagels 160 cal
- one crumpet with golden syrup 100 cal

I'm not planning to eat anything else but I usually cave at work, but tonight I'll try to stay strong. I do feel thinner today but I'll wait till Monday morning to weigh myself. 

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Strech marks???? Gross

I had a massive binge today. GRRRRRR. So over it all.

I will be fasting for two days. I can't handel the fat anymore.

Today at the gym I saw the strech marks on my thighs. Yes, STRECH MARKS. That's what I get for being a fatty.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Mini rant

So once again I'm skipping school. Badass. I went to starbucks and then went for a walk up one of my favourite moutains in Auckland, North Head. It's just amazing up there. I was just chilling but I had had a little rant to myself which I wrote on my notes on my iPod touch.
So this is it:

To eat sushi or to not? No I won't. I will only have a bowl of soup and two peices of bread. Done easy. Do not be weak and cave in. If you get sushi you will get fat as it is all carbs. Carbs are bad. Sushi is over 200 calories but soup is not. You arn't even hungry so I don't why you even want to eat. You need to feel empty again. You need to feel as light as a feather, otherwise you arn't making any progress. If you don't make progress you will just stay a fat fuck for the rest if your life. Save your money anyway. Now that you have to pay for your own gym membership you can't afford to spend money on food. The $20 a week you spend on food is now the $20 a week you will spend on the gym. You need to go to the gym. You are so fat and flubby. What the hell has happened to you? Everything just isn't working anymore. You're skipping school worse than ever, just because you don't want people to see your fatness, because you would rather stay at home looking at thinspo, blogger and PT and because you just can't seem to get any of your school work done. It's terrible. You can hang in there for just 10 more weeks. That's all, then you can have a social life. Not going out will also save you money and you won't have to eat when you are out. 

Hope you are all having wonderful skinny days.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Fresh Start

Life Sucks. It's true. Hence the reason why i haven't been posting, or talking to anyone or texting any of my friends back....
I think they think I'm dead or something. I wish i was. It would be easier than this hell. It just seems like everything lately is failing.

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life. School is just becoming too much but theres nothing i can do about it. I just cant be bothered doing work anymore. 10 weeks. 10 weeks and I'm outta there. I wont miss it one bit. Once again i haven't lost any weight this week. On Friday i had my singing assessment for my musical theatre course at school. I had planned to sing 'A whole new world' from Aladdin and 'Summer nights' from Grease both with my friend Kay.
In 'a whole new world' i missed all my cues, forgot almost the whole song and I'm sure i was singing in the wrong key. It was so embarrassing and horrifying. Then we had to sing 'summer nights'... well i fucked that one up too. Thats all i can do isnt it? Fuck things up.

For the next five weeks im goimg to try as hard as i can possibly try to stick to this diet. This is what Lila T does ( http://gone-perfection.blogspot.com/ ).

Gone 3000
1. 500kcal
2. 300kcal
3. 500kcal
4. 300kcal
5. 500kcal
6. 400kcal
7. 500kcal

246 program

Fading week
1. 100kcal
2. 200kcal
3. 100kcal
4. 200kcal
5. 100kcal
6. 200kcal
7. 100kcal

Easy 800
everyday 800kcal

Divine Club
1. 300kcal
2. 800kcal
3. 500kcal
4. 200kcal
5. 800kcal
6. 300kcal
7. 500kcal

Intake for today:
- Bowl of pasta with tomato sauce: 300 cal
-Peice of bread: 50 cal
-bowl of Frozen yought: 149

Total: 499 cal.

No exercise for today :( Im a bit sick nut i was playing it up so i wouldnt have to be sick so no way would my mum let me go to the gym or dancing tonight. Ill try get away with some sit ups tonight though. Tomorrow i'll be going to the gym for an hour before school (20 minutes biking, 10 minutes running, 20 minutes weights, 10 minutes streaching) and then i half a half day YAY! i'll finish school at 11am so i'll come home and do an hour dancing. The rest of the day will be made up of school work. In the eveing i'll do a 'Sh bam' class and an hour of yoga. Never sone 'Sh bam' before. im guessing it's kinda like Zumba. Anyone else here go to les mills gyms? Love em so much.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010


I had around 300 cal this morning. I was happy with that. I wasnt even hungry. Then my mum made me eat a cashew and onion wrap as i used to love them. There is 195 cal in the wrap alone! After i ate it she left. So course i went and purged. I think i got it all up. Im going to the gym soon to do an hour of cardio and then a yoga class. But i might get a frozen yought before hand. Ive benn craving one for ages and i wont feel to bad for eating one.

Today was terrible. Im just so over life. I just want to be done with school and get a real job and live a real life. i was late to coffee with my friend. Then at school i got bombarded with assignments. I realised that i dont have any where near enough time to get all my work done by the end of the year unless i want to pull all nighters every night. which i dont. Then i realised that i actually suck at all my subjects and im currently heading down to path of failure no matter what i do. Overall im just a failure at everything.

So i didnt end up fasting yesterday. At work i ate. around 300 cal? so thats not to bad. I realised that the best way for me to restrict is to not set intakes week by week but rather day by day. I dont know what tomorrow will be but i think i just wont eat until dinner and see... i dunno.

New Goals:

115 by the 31st August - i get a trip away to Wellington (capial of New Zealand)
110 by the 30th September - mani pedi
105 by the 31st october - Hair Cut at Stephen Marr (flash as place)
100 by the 30th November - ?????

This should be kinda easy, i mean ive given myself a lot of time.
I will do it this time and just in time for summer :)

Monday, August 16, 2010


Fuckkkkkk. 123.8???
Thank god I'm fasting.

I did half an hour of cardio as I didn't have time to do anymore :( I can do heaps tomorrow so it should be fine. I've got work soon. God I hate it there. When school ends I'm outta there and gonna get a full time job. Can't wait!

So far today I've had a coffee with trim milk and a coke zero. I'm feeling kinda fine. I should be able to resist food at work. God I hope I can.
I have some new goals and rules so I'll post them up when I get home from work.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

New rules New me.

I really should be at class. I dont know why im skipping. It's a bad bad habbit.

This is how its gonna go from now:

Mondays - 500
Tuesdays - fast
Wednesday - 300
Thursday - 400
Friday - 300
Saturday - 500
Sunday - 500

-atleast 2L of water everyday
-one hour of cardio everyday
-No ice cream!!!!
-no random chocolate bars!
-must weight myself every second morning. Starting tomorrow. And post it all on here.
-If i go over i MUST purge

For two weeks this will be my life. No going over, no fucking up. I can make it work this time.

Ive had 100 cal already so i have 400 more. Hmm what to eat???? Im so tempted to go out to starbucks and get a coffee and a muffin but i must resist!

Emily if you do you will be a failure for the rest of your life and no one likes a failure.

My weekend was alright. Actually no thats a lie. I ate at work on Saturday night and then about 800 cal on sunday. Last night i watched a documentry called 'the day before'. It was on fashion house proenza schouler and mann it was good thinspo. All the girls were tiny and wonderful. The clothes were amazing too.

I went to the gym before school this morning but only for 45 minutes but i was sweating hard out and so outta breath so thats good.

I supposed i better go back to school and stop looking up thinspo. Thank god i have a car.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Things are looking up, oh finally.

Okay i know i was meant t fats.

Yep whats new Emilys a fucken Failure. That is failure with a capital F.

One thing that actully went right today, I actually did some work for design and i somehow managed to hand it in on time. And it wasnt even that bad.

I ate a small chcolate brownie (150 cal) and a low-fat chocolate milk (150 cal). I couldnt purge it as it was at school and the stupid teacher wouldnt let me go to the bathroom. Oh well.
And i just had a coke zero to stop me from dreaming about the food in my kitchen.

I over slept this morning so no gym :( but i'll do an extra hour tomorrow to make up for it. Im about to go do half an hour of dancing practice and then im off to work. Work = food = fat = me crying vomtiing my face off. Hahahahahah. yeah its not even funny. I know.

I'll post when i get home from work.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


failure is my middle name

Hello my loves.

Today was shit. Im certain that everyday just keeps getting worse. I can only find comfort in my control and knowing that my body is (generally) empty. Except for today...
AND yesterday....

Yesterday wasnt too bad i did an hour of cardio at the gym (-500 cal, i think) and ate around 600 cal. Today... Whoa. Did an hours pilaties in the morning then me and my friend who i did the class with decided not to go to school today because we didnt want to. Really wishing i went now. We went back to her house and watched trashy tv all day and planned our trip away to Wellington (the capital on New Zealand). Did i mention we ate? Alot? Im not even going to count calories cause i know it will just make cry, but heres a list of what i ate.
-Half a small slice of chocolate swirl cake
-4 m&m's
-Tomato sandwich
-just under a pack of crackers
-An apple
-Picklet with golden syrup
-bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce
-2 mini chocolate bars
-8 chocolate chip biscuits

I am fat. I havent lost any weight. Im still a whopping 124 pounds. Gross someone cut it all off. Now! This afternoon i went for an hours walk and then i had a 2 hour dancing class. So attests i burned some of it off. But about an hour ago i got really bad stomach pains and it was horrible. I know its from eating too much but it still hurts. So tomorrow im going to do something i haven't done in a while. A good old fast. Diet coke will be allowed. It will be hard as im going to the gm before school and then i have work tomorrow night and i'll be working on a conference where we get to eat all the food that's left over. Its hell.

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I've been just really angry at everything and everyone. But mainly me. After dancing tonight i just hopped in my car and went for a dangerous drive and finally stopped and burst into tears. I just felt like everything i had had worked so hard for in my dancing, my school work, my body - its all gone. Im insanely poor as well. My dream trip to NYC, which was meant to happen in January has now been put off till March cause im poor. Fml.Fml.Fml. I cant do anything right in dancing and i suck big time. Im failing school and to be honest i don't give a fuck anymore. I used to be able to see my collar bones. Hellloooooo.......? Where have you gone????? Gone where everything else has gone. Down the toilet.
That reminds me. Ive purged everyday this week except for today. There was no chance to do it. I dont know why i used to have trouble with it. It's so easy. Just shove your fucken fingers down your throat.

From now i am getting thinner. I am losing weight. Dont care about anything else.

God Emily, get your life back on track.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Die.Die.Die that's how I feel

It was stressful. As usual I left my history assignment to the last two nights. Bad bad idea. I spent the whole day doing it and I didn't even get it finished. I'm such a fucken failure. History used to be my best subject and now I'm failing that too? Great. Life os fucken dandy. I ate around 500 cal today so not to bad. Then I had an hour of hard out dancing. I almost started crying because I haven't been doing much practice lately and I feel like I've lost all the progress I made in the run up to nationals. I actually just wanted to run out of my dance studio, go home and have a big fat cry. I feel like I'm sucking at everything these days. 

Tomorrow I have a dancing competition. It will only be small but that's alright. I hardly eat anything when I'm dancing but I drink lots of sugery drinks and sf redbull. But I probley burn it all off. Then at night my three bff's are coming round to mine and my dad is cooking us dinner. It's going to be a fucken massive Indian fest (my dad likes to cook). Then there will be the snacks and the waffles in the morning. How strong will I be? How much will I fail? And there's no chance of purging either. It's impossible when there are other people in my house. 

God I hate my life. TGIF. 

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My hands smell like vomit. It's gross.
This afternoon I binged on mini doughnuts and 5 mini chocolate bars. Ew gross. I don't know why. I wasn't even hungry and I wasn't even bored. I think it was because I was all alone.
So after my binge I went to the bathroom and purged.

But I'm still a failure. I had one toasted cheese sandwich and 3 cookies. My parents are now home so there is no way I can purge again.
Why can't I just be strong and restrict like I use to?
Tomorrow I'll try.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Teenage dreams.

I haven't gone anywhere...
Although I feel like I have...
I'm floating. And not the empty kind of floating as my parents made me eat dinner with them tonight and my house is wayy to quiet to purge. No I'm mind floating. Maybe it's because of the insane amouts of school work I have to do for the next two nights. Or maybe my minds changing. I dunno. I've just been thinking alot lately. About me, my body, my bones, my money, my life, what I really want.

So what do I really want out of life?

1. Money. I will be a millioaire by the time I am 30.
2. To be perfect. I will have bones, I will be what others girls wish they could have.
3. I want to go and possibly live in NYC. It's been a dream of mine since I was little.
4. I want to be loved. I can't keep having random one night stands, it just tears me apart. I need to know someone loves me, that someone thinks I'm amazing, to be held and cuddled. I want that so much....
But not as much as I want to be perfect.

I just read winter girls. Wow. I don't even know what to think. I had searched so hard for this book. I looked in all my local bookstores and libarys but noone had it. Today at school I was in the libary, trying to pass time when I walked past it. I couldn't belive my eyes. It's deffently fate. It made me feel so bad about not trying hard enough to get out of dinner. It made me realise a few things. This, this desire to be perfect, to float, to be weightless, it's totally mental. As much as people can tell me 'come on one bite won't hurt', yes yes it will. It's all mental. It's not something we can switch off. As much as we try. It's here with us and it's what connects us. It makes us who we are.
I highly recommend winter girls. I know mist of you would have read it by now but if you haven't, do! I don't want to eat ever again.

I think I'm starting to get addicted to coffee. Ive had 6 cups today. It just tastes so good. But I can't drink it black. I have to have non fat milk in it.

I had a massive fight with one of my friends today in front of a whole lot of people at school. I just couldn't take her anymore. She fucken complains and gets stressed out about everything. She always has to have the most troubles, the most problems. All my other friends have been bitching about her behind her back as well, yet I was the only one with enough balls to say (yell actually) to her. An example of what she does: she has two school assignments due this week. As usuall she has only just started as doesn't know what she's meant to be doing. So she expects to be able to copy everyones work and for everyone to just take her moodyness and stress. Also she's always like 'omg I'm do fat, em can you help me lose weight? Argh I hate my thighs I'm so fat etc etc'. So at lunch today she has a pie, yought, chocolate and a full fat red bull. Like how dumb can you get? She's always in a downer mood and what REALLY bugs me is the fact that she will never listen to anyone and she doesn't think anyone has problems in their lifes. Trust me, I almost told her about what I feel like, how I think and she was like 'no you problems don't compare to mine. You just don't understand' like wtf???

Sorry about the rant. I've just had a tough day.

Thank you for all being here when I need you.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.