About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Getting back on track

Today's intake:
two veggie tacos - 340 cal

I don't think I'll eat anything for the rest of the night. It was only two tacos but god I feel bloated and fat. Contemplating throwing up but my house is really quite and everyone is home so they would all hear me. I haven't done any exercise yet and I won't have time for much tonight. Tonight I won't do much cardio, just some sit ups, lunges, planks, jumpping rope etc etc.I wish I could go to the gym, I love nothing more than working up a sweat but my gym is closed and I can't run outside cause it's freezing cold and I have circulation problems.

Tomorrow I will go to the gym for an hour before school, eat and then throw up some bagel crisps. Have a bagel with tomato for afternoon tea (350 cal) and then go to an hour of dancing practice.

This is good. I'm feeling better about the amounts I'm eating. By the 1st of August I want to be at 110 pounds. By 1st of September I will be 100 pounds. And I will be happy and I will have lots of money because I'm no longer spending money on food.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.



So tonight was interesting... 
I made myself throw up for the first time...
It was my friend V's birthday so we all went out to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. It was tepenaki which is where they cook your meal in front of you and make it into a show at the same time. I had planned to just have a salad and some rice but it turns out there was a set meal. As each dish came out I couldn't stop thinking about how fat I was going to get and how many calories everything contained. By dessert (which I didn't eat) I couldn't take it so I went to the bathroom. 
It wasn't hard, it took a few trys but it all came up easy as. I would have kept going but my friend A came into the bathroom so I had to stop. I'm glad I did it though. I'm so fucken obese I'll do anything. I NEED to be thin. If I ever binge again I know what I'm doing.

Sorry I havnt been blogging lately. I've been so busy with school. 13 weeks till I'm done! Forever! Fuck I can't wait. So over high school and it's stupid gossip and bitchyness. 

Anyway update on my life:
Last weekend I went to an 18th birthday party and I got super drunk as I had hardely eaten anything all day (being drunk is the only way to have fun these days). I shared a ciggy with this guy from my school and we ened up fucking in the dirt behind a shed! So much fun... Untill the bouncers found us. Talk about wanting to die of shame. Oh well I'm a teenager, livin wild is what I like to do hahah. But he didn't use a condom even though I had on one me. So I went to go get the morning after pill but my local family planning was closed. So I went and got it the day after. The rest of the week kinda flew past in a blur. I have so many assignments this week so don't worry if i'm not blogging, it's just I will be sucked in to the deep black hole which is school work. But i plan on going wild next weekend. I'm trying to find an I'd so I can go to town!!! Wooohoooo gonna party hard and have random club sex yeahhhhh hahah.

I hope life is treating you all well.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fat fat fat nom nom nom

I am fat. Really fat. I'm so huge I'm too scared to step onto the scales and weigh myself. The reason I haven't been blogging is because ice just being going nom-nom-nom-nom for the past few days. It grosses me out just thinking about it.

So from tomorrow I'm going hardcore.
1 hour gym, 1 hour dancing, no food untill 5pm. Dinner will be 2 tacos (small and vege). And that's it. I'm sick and tired of being a lump of lard. I cryed yesterday after eating some onion rings. I just have no self control and I hate it.

But tomorrow it all changes....

I'll do a longer post tomorrow and I shall update you on my exciting weekend.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Better, but not quite there.

Super tired so just a quick post before I get back to trying to get through my massive pile of homework.
My intake today wasn't too bad.
Half protein cookie - 50 cal
rice waffers with tomato and cheese - 150 cal
3 peices of sushi - 90 cal
small chocolate bar - 120 cal
two cookies - 100 cal
total: 510

well that's not too bad, although I could have done without the cookies and chocolate bar. Plus I had an hour and a half dance class. But I still feel bloated and fat.

Tomorrow night my friend A is having a 'girls movie and Mexican' night. Everyone has to bring some Mexican food. I'm making vege nachos. It's gonna be such a horrible calorie filled night. Gahhh I don't even want to go anymore but it's to late to back out now. So I'm going to not eat anything until tomorrow night and I'll try to not eat much. Saturday I'm going to a party so I might fast all day so that I'll only need a couple of drinks to get drunk.

Something that totaly ruined my day. My mum told me that my stomach is getting flabby again. Wow she loves me. Not.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

McDonalds in EVILLLLL

My water fast today was going do good up until around 3pm. My drama class had a rehersal from 3.30 till 7.30 and most people wanted to go get some food up to mcdonalds. Since i'm one of the few people with a car in my class I offered to drive some people there. When we got there I just stopped thinking. I wasn't even hungry. It was just a moment of weakness and I slipped. One hambuger with no patty, small frys, medium frys, diet coke, two hot fudge sundays later I realised what I had just done.

I cannot belive what I've done. In 15 minutes I ruined it all.

I am such a massive failure. Who the hell does that? I wanted to punch myself, to cry, to cut open my stomach and pull it all out. But I couldn't. Not in front of all my class mates.

Now I just feel sick. Sick because I don't think my body is used to that much fatty food and sick because I don't want to think about it. So. tomorrow I will have a 100 cal protein cookie in the afternoon before dancing practice and then I'll give myself 300 cal for dinner. Also I'm going to go to a pilaties class tomorrow morning. It's a punishment for everything I ate today as it's so cold and horrible in the mornings and I never want to get out of bed.

Well I better go and try and catch up on my massive pile of homework. It's kinda insane how much I've got to do. 15 and a half weeks till i'm finished with school forever :) I didn't get any work done last night, I just stayed up looking at thinspo all night.

Hope your day was better than mine.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


Monday, July 19, 2010

I like the way it hurts

These are photos of me at my school ball which was 3 weeks ago. Im the one in the red dress. Ugh i look fat. Gross. I had a mint night though :)

So i ate around 600 cal today. Not bad. Today i was googling different kinds of fasts and diets with my friend. She kinda knows about my troubles with food and i know in the past shes had troubles herself. She was wanting to do the lemon detox diet but i dont think she is. I told her to just do a water fast as if you are commited you can lose quite a few pounds and she was like but dont you get hungry? DUHH thats the point! So tomorrow im gonna water fast. Just a small 24 hour one to get me back into the swing of things. Then 400 - 500 the next day? maybe.

I cant really exercise at the moment :( My shin splints are playing up and i can usually handle them but i face planted down liek 12 stairs last weekend and twisted my ankle so i cant run or dance :( This is meant to be week 2 of my dancing break anyway. But im just going tyo do millions of sit ups insted.

I dont really wanna talk about what happened whilst i didnt blog. Uggg i dont even want to think about it. Ive put on wayy ro much weight as i ate like a normal person and thats all im gonna say. I just want to forget about it and move on.

My life has hit a wall. Its all school work and then work. Ive gota get out. So this weekend im going out, not eating, getting wasted and gonna be reckless. I want to be more fun like i used to be.

Im glad im back though.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.



Girls I'm back. I'm fat but i'm back!
I have my reasons for having a break. I had my national champs for my dancing last week and as much as it killed me, I knew I had to eat otherwise my body would have just failed. Nut I have been reading all your blogs as it just makes me want to get back to being who I really am just so much more. Every piece of food I put into ny mouth makes me cringe and fir some reason I've started counting calories again, yay.

Longer post coming tomorrow, including pictures of me at my school ball!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.