About Me

New Zealand
I used to be thin. I used to like my body. Not anymore. Emily. 18. I live to dance. Currently in New Zealand but planning on getting out shortly. Come join me on my journey to perfection. CW: 116 HW: 124 LW: 108 GW 1: 110 GW 2: 105 GW 3: 100 UGW: 95... for now.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Admit it.

So I've had to put the ABC diet on hold this weekend. I was forced to eat far too much. I was going to restart on Monday but I have an insanely busy week, so I think I'll just restrict. But the week after that, I'll do it again ad it's the start of my two week holidays. It's so much easier to not eat during holidays. I can chose to not be surrounded by food, I can go to the gym anytime, I can make solid lies about having already eaten and I can sleep for half the time. 

In other news, I'm going to see paramore!!! Frick I'm excited! My favourite band in the world ever since misery business. I'm getting my tickets on Tuesday :) it's gonna make my holidays amazing! 

On PT I saw a post called 'admit something'. Reading through all 47 pages made me realise that we are going through so much of the sane things. So I though I would admit somethings to you guys:

- I hate feelings. I can't stand people getting to close to me. Hugs make me feel uncomfortable. I feel I don't deserve to feel

- I afraid to get intimate with people I love and care about as I am scared they will judge and stop liking me. I've kissed 11 guys, all whilst I was drunk and I hardly knew any of them. I've only had sex with two guys. Both times I was drunk. The first time was with a guy I knew for 20 minutes beforehand. All I know about him was that his name was dan and he was from Brazil. The second guy goes to my school but I had never spoken to him before. We did  it at my friends 18th behind a shed. I only do this as it makes me feel cared about and special for a moment. 

- I steal things. I've stolen around $400 from my work, $200 from a friend when I was 11. From the age of 12-16 almost all my clothing and make up was stolen. I never get caught.  But I quit doing it cause I was scared that one day I would have taken a massive load and would have gotten caught. 

- I'm an amazing liar. It's one of my special talents. I lie all the time without thinking about it. I'm fricken pro. I can hold a straight face for ages. 

- I'm going through a reckless stage in my life. I wanna go out party, get wasted, try diffent drugs (I really want to do coke and E), fuck random guys, steal stuff, spend all my money on food. Basically anything my parents wouldn't want me to do. 

- I'm super vain. Even though I think I'm fat I look at girls and think 'i'm thinner than her. Eww she's a fat cow.  I'm wayy hotter than her.' etc. I think I'm really pretty and out of so many guys leauges. But I never ever leave the house without make up. Even to the gym. I expect everyone around me to think I'm the hottest girl in the school, even though I hate the sight of myself.

- I love to drive fast. Whenever I'm angry or upset I go for a drive. Which is not the best idea. Slow drivers kill me and I yell abuse at them from my car. Somepeople really need to learn how to drive. 

- there's one girl in my group and 3 of us just can't stand her. I punch her zall the time. Everyone thinks I do it because it's funny and I love to punch people, which is true. But I do it because  I want to knock some common sence into her and I live hurting her. 

So now you know the real me. No one in my real life knows half that stuff.

Good news - I stoped purging. I just can't do it. After my best friend told my mum I was and my mum laughed in my face, I just stopped. But I've pulled in the pounds this weekend. I sweat my mum was trying to force feed me.

Other news - exams are over!!! And u failed every single one. All good though, it's only mocks and I planned to. I'm planning in trying to fast tomorrow. It's my school fashion show this week and I am one of 5 dancers. Fuck I planned to be so much thinner by now. I hope I can get slimmer in 3 days. Wish me luck!

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.


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