So it's been about 5 months since I've posted or even been on here.
To be honest i did try to 'recover'. I tried to be healthy. Eating around 1000 calories, exercising around 2 hours per day. That lasted for a few months. I gained a little muscle and burned off a lot of fat, but i still wasn't happy. But i wasn't completely hating myself either.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. After my dancing nationals, I sunk into this dark black cloud. All because i didn't do as well as i had hoped. After 7 months of putting my self through hell, training 3 hours a day on a torn ligament, sprained ankle and horrid shin splints, I didn't place. What was the point in putting myself through all that if i wasn't going to get anything as a reward.
So for 3 weeks i didn't exercise, binged on junk food like i never have before and sunk into a slight depression. I gained 6kgs in two weeks. That's around 12lbs. I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I wanted so badly to just cut all the fat off. I couldn't look in the mirror without crying.
But i decided enough was enough. I got my hair cut, dyed it slightly darker, got a new blazer, new pair of heels, brought new make up and decided to stop fucking around with my body. I can be better that what i am now. I know this because Ive been so close to my goal before. All i need is my control, my will-power back.
So I'm back and will hopefully be back for a long time. Ive tried to recover, Ive tried to be healthy but for me, none of that shit works.
One meal a day, with one small snack if need be.
Gym, every morning before work.
600 calories max. everyday.
Trim coffee - 140
Mini bagel crisps - 130
Taco salad - 250
Total = 520 cal.
No hard out exercise for me today :( I went out last night with a friend (and I had to eat because she is starting to get suspicious about my eating again) and i got quite tipsy. So i slept in this morning and was late for work. Then i have work tonight at my second job, so i wont get home till 10.30. But I will do heaps of sit ups and squats.
My current weight:
By the 23rd of August I will be 115 or lower. That's when i see my best friend next. She lives 9 hours away and I have to be semi thin when i see her next.
If i can get down to 118 by next Thursday (so a week and 1 day) then I will buy myself a new dress (max. $80). I love having incentives :D
Im so glad to be back. I love this amazing, supportive community.
Hopefully i'll write everyday, but maybe not. Who knows.