Happy.

I'm done with this trying to recover shit.

I need to get it all off. I want my back bones back. I want my collars bones back. I want it all back.
I know ive been sinking into a dark cloud of god knows what. I couldn't think. I was really thinking about ending it all. We have alot of pils in my house that would do it.

I'm feeling clearer now. I know what I want. I want it all back.

Plan for tomorrow:
Clean house.
Dance practice.
Ab workout.
Gym.
Teach dance.
Dance class.

So three workouts in one day. Makes me very happy. And all I want us to be happy with myself again.

Re-Start

Well it looks like I'm back here again.

I struggling big time right now and tumblr just isn't cutting it when it comes to needing to vent.
I no longer know what I weight and I really don't care anymore because its all about being empty, pure, just bones. Actually that's a fucking lie. I'm terrified to weight myself. Maybe if I was thinner I would be able to do it.

I haven't purged in about a month and my last binge was last week. I'm restricting everday (even if it feels like I'm just eating normally).
Breaking into tears at dance class has become a constant thing. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore.

Now onto catching up with all your blogs.

Stay Strong, Stay Thin.
Emily.
xx

I'm sure my weights just stuck at 117.

Then again, I haven't been exercising as much because my whole body is just breaking down on me. It's so horrible. I think I have some kind of virus because I wanted to throw up all yesterday and my muscles have been so weak. Dance has been way too hard. Maybe in dying. One could hope. I mean what's the point in life? To reproduce? Well I hate kids so I'm never having any. Dont worry, I'm not going to kill myself :) it's just sometimes I think about life and past peoples lifes and really, what dies matter? We are all going to die one day. Earth is going to die one day.

I can't eat junk food :D it just makesme feel so ill and so crap. Blegh it's gross. So that's good I suppose. However I'm still fat. I want to starve so badly. But I know I need to keep my strengh up for my dancing comp this weekend, so next week.

Google Kyle Warren bagpiper. Hottest piper ever. He is so kind and nice and amazingly good looking. I'm defs in live hehe. So glad I got to hang out with him both times he played in Auckland. Fuck, New Zealand needs guys like him! I swear we have the worst quality guys ever. It sucks. Forever alone :(

2nd post today...

I'm bored at work, hence my 2nd post.

Two things:
1) I went out for lunch with my dad today and he said that my face was looking thinner :)
2) After we finished, he said 'You didn't eat much did you?'. I said "No I ate heaps". Realised that that I didnt actually eat much at all.

Thin for the win!

Intake today:
-Trim Hot chocolate
- Orange and date scone
- Diet coke
-Indian for lunch (little bit of nann bread, rice, mixed veggies.

Planned intake for tonight:
- Diet coke
- Trim hot chocolate

No exercise today :( I over slept my alarm this morning and got in to work late. Not that anyone actually noticed. My last day and everyone that I work with except for one person has taken the day off. Fuck them. Actually they gave me a $50 mall voucher yesterday so I'm not complaining :) When my mum left after being here for 4 years she got nothing. I've only been here for 10 months.

Then I'm working at my 2nd job tonight. Mehhhhhh. So no exercise.

But tomorrow I will do extra workouts. 1 hour dancing practice, 30 minutes bike, 30 minutes core workout, stretching. I don't have much free time tomorrow so thats all I can fit in. Oh and under 600 cal of course :)

The weather is amazing here in Auckland today. I want to go to the beach so bad! Which actually makes me want to not eat anything and run my fat butt off. Need to get bikin ready. asap.

Emily
xx

Mother fucker. I hate periods. Go the fuck away.
I had major cramps last night and this morning. I need up eating 3 peices of my mums brownie :O not good. But I'm not beating myself up about it. Soon my period will be gone forever!

Im going to talk to my bestfriend who lives 10 hours away tomorrow. I think she cones home in around 4 weeks, but I'm going to find out the exact date and by that date I will be down to 110. No excuses.

Its my last day at work today! I'm kinda excited because this job makes me so fucken hungry. But I'm going to need to get some cash pronto. However I have a job interview on Monday morning! I have no idea what the actual job is but its for a marketing solutions company. I really hope I get it! Even if I only stay there for a few months, it will be enough money for my USA trip.

In more exciting news: I GET TO DANCE WITH THE RED HOT CHILI PIPERS ON MONDAY NIGHT!!!! Ahhhh I'm so super exciting. They are an amazing bagrock band. YouTube them now!
They performed last Friday in Auckland, but I was too injured to dance :( so I'm fricken excited that I actually get to dance with them this time around. And a few of them are total hotties! Dougie is 19 - total cutie and Kyle Warren is 25 and a world champion bagpiper. He is extremely handsome. *drooling so bad right now*. Haha

So not much else is happening. I'm still fat ( I need to stop binging, it's actually killing me. Eating your feelings does not work. Ever.). But that's gonna change.

Emily.
X

Light at the end of the tunnel

I'm feeling much better today. I've calmed down and sorted out a new life plan. Everything will be alright.
I'm still a bit concerned about my lack of funds for my NYC trip, but if I save my ass off and manage to get a new job between now and December, I should be alright. Worst case, I'll just have to get a loan which I would pay off next year. Just trying to stay positive.

My body was suprisingly looking okay this morning. My stomach is starting to look much more toned, you can see my ribs and
hip bones more and my back is looking more boney. I just need my ankle to heal and then I'll be able to get back to full on exercising. Once I can do that, the weight will start to melt off, it always does.

My skin, on the other hand is looking terrible!! I'm breaking out all over and I can't stop it or hide it. I'm thinking I might try a fruit/vege detox.

Intake today will be very average. Around 700 cal.
Trim mocha - 140
Mango muffin - 260
Veggie pizza, homemade - 300

I've been addicted to the edconfessions tumblr the last few days. It may be the mist triggering thing ever! I love it!

Hope you are all having wonderfully skinny days.

Emily
xx

I'm just another failure at life.

Serisouly though. I am.
I have nothing going for me. I'm so bored with life, but I just don't know what to do.

I'm sick and tired of being constantly injured, embrassing myself on a daily basis, of always being alone, of being fat, of not having any money so I have to steal it from work, of constantly fighting with my parents and my sister, of having $4000 credit card debit, of not having achieved a single one of my goals this year, of having nothing I'm good at.


I just want to escape and get away from it all.
I'm going to NYC in December. All flight are payed for but that's it. And I'm so poor. I can barley afford basic living let alone actually saving. Fuck I don't even have a passport yet. Atleast that will be a month of not eating :/

I just want to have an actual plan and some direction in my life. I just want to perform. But I don't know if I'm ready to give up on my highland dancing yet. I've worked so hard for so many years and I'm still not ranked. I'm still not part if the elite group.

Fuck, I don't know what I'm doing with life. My plans are changing almost every day.
My full time job finishes this Friday. I'm super fucked if I can't find another one.

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck

I just want all this to stop. I need that light at the end of the tunnel but I just can't see it.

Flames are burning around me

My life feels like it's falling down around me.
My contract at my current job ends next week. I still don't have a new job secured. I might have a new jib lined up, but then again maybe not.
I've fucked my ankle, so I'm the most injured I've been all year. I was meant to dance in two performances this weekend but now I can't. I've got to have 7 days complete rest. Which means no exercise at all for seven days. Which means an increase in my appetite. Fuck me now.
I have no money at all. Im meant to be going away for a dancing trip in 3 weeks. I have no idea how I'm going to afford it. I'm going to the USA in December for a month and I have no money for accomidation or food or spending money. Fuck me again.

I'm going to stop eating now. Jokes. But actually 600 cal max. It still feels like too much. I'm just way to fat to even be allowed to eat.

If I'm busy, I don't even get hungry. The problem is at work, my job is do boring. All I think about is my fat and what meals I should eat.

I will not weight myself until the end of October. That way there will be extra pressure on myself to weigh as little as possible.

Hope all is well with you all. Gonna catch up on all your blogs tonight!

Emily
xx

Mirror says fat.

I am not eating anymore.

I've just been putting so much crap junky stuff in my body the past week, I feel like a whale.

I don't think I've actually put on any weight. I refuse to weigh myself. I'm going by what the mirror says amd the mirror says I'm fat. Maybe my thoughts are just getting more twisted. Idk.

Burned 300 cal this morning, but I think I ate around 1000. Fuckety fuck.
I couldn't work our tonight because I had work. I worked 14 hours today. Plus I've killed ny right eye. My contact did something werid and made my eye go all inflamed and sore and i wanted to claw my eye out. Not fun. Then I watched the glee project and it was the episode where Cameron goes home and I got all emotional and started crying and now my eye hurts like a mother fucker.

Massive workouts planned for tomorrow, with no actual meals :)

I want to starve.

Mehhhh

I feel fat.
Hence the lack of posts.
Ive been super busy and just feeling like shit.

I'll update again tonight or tomorrow. Or whenever I feel like it.

Sick of being freaken sick

Bllleeeegggghhhhhhhhh.
I'm sick again.
Nearly fainted/collapsed/vomited at dance yesterday. The room was spinning and I couldn't even stand up straight.

Then I had a dinner party for my friends 20th birthday last night.
I ate wayy too much and I couldn't purge and I can't even exercise.
I feel like I'm about to die if I even do as much as jump.

So I plan on reading all day. Just finished one book called 'thirteen reasons why' by Jay Asher. It blew my mind. It's about a girl who committed suicide and recorded all these tapes when she was alive explaining why she was going to take her life.

It's fathers day so I had to make breakfast for my dad. I made pancakes and had 2 (300cals). I didn't even really realize I was eating them till after I had finished. Fuck.

The fact that I can't exercise today is driving me crazy. I need to do something so bad.

I'm tired. Time for another sleep.....

Ciao

Note to self: Dont drink and blog.

Oh my lord.
Last night was interesting.
I got WASTED on a bottle of wine, one vodka lemon and lime and half a purple rain cocktail.
Then I spent half the night making out with this guy who I kinda knew. And he was a damn good kisser ;)

But then he ran off after some international chick....
So I went on a drunken search for my two bff's. Found one (she was super drunk) hanging out with a random. So I stole half his drink hehe. Then later I found my other bff and her boyfriend and they were having a massive fight. She was crying her eyes out and I don't blame her. Her boyfriend is such a dick. So went went to get food *cringe* Kebab's to be exact. I swear I either spent $20 on food or I gave a massive tip. Whatevs. But then I got hot chips as well, which I don't remember ordering.... But at least it sobered me up a bit. I got home like 3.30am

Got up 7 to go to work. And I was still drunk. I think the hangover is starting to kick in now but it should be too bad because Ive eaten and kept hydrated.
Food today has been terrible. I went to McDonald's for breakfast. Fuck. I feel so ashamed.
I got hot cakes and then 2 hash browns. After that I had 2 trim hot chocolates and and orange juice. For lunch I got a kebab but I ate like 4 bites because I wasn't even hungry and it had hummus in it and I hate hummus. It's so gross.

So I'm currently drinking a diet coke because my stomach is all grumbly :(
Fasting tomorrow to try and reverse the damage I did last night and this morning.

Blegh I'm currently dying. I need sleep asap.

Emily.
xx

Haha bitches I'm drunk.

I am not held account able for the amount of calories I have tonight.

Fick one one of my sober friends jus saw this

Haha fml.

I'm rather drunk haha.
Hope you girls are having are wonderful day no matter what the the time zone.

116.8

Hell Yesss!!!

116.8.
Finally some movement in my weight!
Even after eating a little bit last night. I had 3 crackers with tiny slices of light cheese.
I was not going to eat anything but I got home after an insanely hard dance class and I felt like I was going to faint. I still hadn't done my night exercises so I needed to have a tiny bit of energy to do that.

I was going to try to fast again today but I am going out clubbing tonight so I know I need a little bit of something in my body otherwise I'm going to get wicked wasted and that's always when I binge :(
Tomorrow might be interesting.... I generally eat a fair amount the day after I go drinking, even though it's never more than 1000cal it's still a freaken lot.
So for lunch I have rice with spicy veggies. And only a small container worth so it won't be much.

No gym this morning :( I went to bed rather late and I need my sleep if I'm going out tonight.

Hope you all have a wonderful day! I know I will.

Emily
xx

Breaking fast...

Broke my fast :(
I was going so well, but I had totally forgotten that I had told my dad I would go out to lunch with him. There was no way I could get out of it.
We went to a Turkish place and I got a mini falafel salad. I added it all up and it came to 150 cal. Not too bad, but I wasn't even hungry!

Atleast I dont have to work tonight anymore so I can workout at home :)
I plan on starting my fast again. I was 16 hours in, but I think I'm going to go for another 24 hours.

My friend just asked if I wanted to go to the hot pools. I actually started shaking when I read the message. There is no way I'm getting in my Bikin in public looking like this. Here in New Zealand it's not swimsuit season for another 2 months! I have until then to get ready. Not now. No way. So I made up an excuse that I had a dancing thing that night, which is half true. I have a performance that afternoon till 6.

Did a half-assed work out this morning :( I was late to the gym so I didn't get to do my whole workout :( but it's alright because I van workout tonight! Yaya.

A friend of Ana: im 5'6. This fast better help me lose, otherwise I will lose my mind!

I swear if I haven't lost anything by tomorrow morning, I will go crazy. Like kill everyone crazy.

Same.

I am still 120. So frustrating. I could rip out my hair, I'm that mad.
But I don't get it.
I've been exercising and eating an average off 600 cal per day.

So I'm fasting tomorrow. This will be very interesting as I haven't fasted in agesss.
Oh well. Im going out wedesday night so I won't eat much till then and I can get super wasted on not much. Yess plan.

My weekend was so average. I had an amazing workout on Sunday. 1 hour cardio, 1 hour weights and stretching. Then yoga Sunday night and kickboxing class this morning.

This not getting rid of my fat is messing with my brain... I can't even think.

Binge? Hell no.

My weight is still the same. I don't fucken understand it.
Why won't the weight just go away.

I ran today for the first time in 3 months. Only 3kms but it's something.
My thighs are so sore. Massive workout planned for tomorrow. So keen.
Plus I'm getting wasted tomorrow. Excited to get drunk out of my brain. To just forget all my worries.

I'm starving right now. Want to binge. But I won't. But I'm starving.

Fuck.

Welcome to another day in paradise...

Still the same freaken weight.
Not happy.
Then again I havent been going that well this week. No major binges and everyday has been under 800 cal but I haven't been doing much exercise :/ hopefully tomorrow morning will be better.

Had a great workout this morning. Not amazing, but it was still great. Had a 45 minute dance class tonight and I left covered in sweat so that's gotta be good.

Outtake today:
Aprox 450 cal

Intake today:
Soup - 200 cal
Afghan biscuit - 150 cal
Few spoonfuls of plain pasta - aprox 100 cal
Glass of trim Choc milk - 100 cal
Total: 550

Damn. Not as good as I had hoped. My mum made me pasta for dinner and I felt really bad because she never makes me dinner and she was just trying to be nice. So I had to eat a couple if spoonfuls. But I swear if I haven't lost any weight by tomorrow morning, I will cut a bitch.

Today I realized that my bff has recently lost a lot of weight. I just can't deal with this. I'm the skinny one. I'm the fucked up one. She can't take this away from me. I need to find out how much she weights and then weigh less. There's no way I would ever be the average one. Fuck.Fuck.Fuck. Even my mum said that she's lost weight.

This is turning into a competition that she doesn't even know she's playing. Well guess what sweetie? I will win.

One of my good friends is back at home for 2 weeks from uni and I swear she's lost weight as well.

I.JUST.CANT.DEAL.WITH.THIS

I don't intend of losing weight. To lose something means there's a chance of finding it again. I am getting rid of my fat. I don't ever want it back.

Stay Strong.
Emily.
xx

No Exercise = Crazy Emaily

No gym again today.
I'm finding myself fantasising about what workouts to do.....

I think I'm going crazy!

I ended up sharing 1/2 a small packet of m&m with my bff at work last night.
I was so angry because I kept on making shitty coffees. My god, they tasted so bitter and I couldn't understand why so I started freaking out (making a good coffee is like my 'thing'). I'm going to blame it one the beans. Yeah good job Emily, always blaming something else.

My bff stayed over at house last night so I couldn't get any sneaky exercise done and I had to skip on the gym this morning. I was going to do a massive workout tonight but they were a person short at my cinema so I said I would take the shift. (I'm in desperate need of money!)

My dad took me out for lunch today. I had a tofu curry. Didn't eat any of the tofu or veggies. Just rice and sauce. No idea how many calories. I hate not knowing. It makes me feel like I have no control of anything. So because of that, no more food for the rest of the day.
Just water, diet coke and an iced tea (95 cal).

I'll do a miniature work out when I get home home work tonight.
100 crunches.
3 minutes of squats
3x 1 minute planks
3 minutes of leg lifts
plus stretching.

Then tomorrow morning, GYM :) I'm gonna sass that gym session so hard.

Im thinking of doing a liquid diet on Friday and Saturday day. But eating something before I go out on Saturday night. Just light cheese and crackers.

I.NEED.TO.DO.SOME.EXERCISE.

Right. Going to go get a diet coke. yay.

Emily.
xx

It's a better day, so just smile :)

Hello my lovey Lady's!

Hope your days are all going well?
Today has been a better day for me.

So far I went to the gym this morning (over slept my alarm AGAIN! But i still made it there in time for a short workout). Did 20 minutes on the bike (Burned -190 cal), leg weights and 5 minutes of ab's. Tomorrow I'm going at night so there's nothing stopping me from doing a proper workout.

Had a dance lesson last night (at the moment they are almost always private lesson which means its a lot harder!) and my shins freaken started hurting again.

I.AM.GOING.TO.KILL.MY.SHINS.IF.THEY.DONT.GET.BETTER.VERY.FUCKEN.SOON.

But it was a good workout (-300 cals). After not doing any dancing for a month, my muscles are feeling super weird today.Which is why i hate taking breaks :(

In happier news, I should be able to run again in two months! In my right ankle I currently have a torn ligament, bruised bone, tiny fracture in the bone, and extra fluid within one of my ankle bones. My left ankle is sprained (and hurts like a bitch when i dance) and my big toe on my left foot is sprained (but almost healed!). But if my shin splints don't die very shortly, I'm going to have to wait a lot longer than 2 months to go for a run.


Intake today:
1/2 a pear - 40cal
Carrot soup - 200cal (rounding it up)
Caramel slice - 300cal (rounding it up)
Diet coke - 1cal :)

Total: 541

I'm not going to have anything else today. I'm feeling satisfied right now (although i didn't need that slice, not at all). I do have to go to work at my cinema job tonight and it's kinda easy to not eat there as everything is just junkjunkjunk. I always end up having a trim hot chocolate though. Just because I get so cold and i love chocolate milk.

I didn't weigh myself today and i doubt i will till Friday.
It is actually one of the most terrifying things to do.
I really do need to start weighing myself everyday though.

As long as i can look good for when I go out this weekend, Ill be happy. If i look the slightest bit fat, I am getting super trashed. Good plan!!

Stay Strong.
Emily.
xx